The summer wedding season is upon us! That means bachelorette parties, bridal showers and actual weddings to look forward to. But there are some traditions surrounding these lovely festivities that we never seem to question.
As a broke, 27-year-old graduate student slowly recovering from a messy break up, I posted a profile on OkCupid in hopes of meeting a guy who did his own laundry and didn’t kill animals. Despite my Baptist parents’ and grandparents’ longstanding encouragement to find a God-fearing gentleman, my standard was slightly lower. A man who was more or less moral would do.
iAugment is a Photoshop-style iPhone app that uses a 3D pic of your chest to show you how you'd look with bigger jigglies. iAugment allows you to view 17 different breast implant sizes—from "Blake Lively goes softcore" to "Sheyla Hershey circus boobs." (Just kidding, they're not really called that.) Created by plastic surgeon Elizabeth Kinsley from New Orleans, the iAugment app claims to help women decide if they really want a boob job.
Prince William and Kate Middleton did not have a prenup, according to "senior royal sources."
Since then, I've seen a man's reaction to my period as a litmus test. I know it sounds strange, but the way a guy acts about my menstrual cycle tells me a lot about what kind of guy he is and how he feels about womanhood.
I don't know that a formal survey's been done, but I think it's safe to say that in the eyes of most straight men in America, turbans on a women's head aren't hot. Neither are ostrich-feather miniskirts, utility pants, or capes. To many guys, tight, form-fitting, and revealing fashions constitute "sexy." And isn't that what fashion is supposed to be all about? Getting us to look at one woman rather than another?
"Pegging" is when a woman wears a strap-on dildo and penetrates a man's anus. Did you know that? Now you do. The term "pegging" was coined in a contest by pioneering sex advice columnist Dan Savage. Here's my opinion on "pegging": Hey, look, I just found a shiny quarter! I bet it's a lucky quarter! I'm going to make a wish and that wish is that I don't have to write about "pegging."
Ladies, there is absolutely no shame in diversifying your dating portfolio. In fact, it's highly encouraged to put your eggs into lots of different baskets while you're a free agent, as long as you can do it without being a total dick. There is an art to dating multiple guys at once while keeping your dating karma intact.
We discussed cats. I admired his tattoos. I described my date with the grad student, and PS made hilarious references to the "stop being analytical" line for the rest of the evening. We had second glasses of wine. PS made a joke referencing Hamlet, and when I was done laughing he kissed me.
So, you know, I have a boyfriend now. It's pretty awesome. I'm psyched. I'm happy. I must be radiating blissfully coupled up vibes into the stratosphere because in the last two days, three dudes with whom I have had serious romantic feelings for, hooked up with and/or dated have come out of the woodwork after a lengthy absence and have tried to bark up my tree. It's like Cupid's Evil Cousin whispered in their ears, "Amelia is happy, fulfilled, and no longer interested in dating or DTF—don't you suddenly want to give her a shout?"
Much like an obese person has to want to lose weight or an alcoholic has to want to get sober, Bill's going to have to want to be in a healthy relationship before he gives up Erin or considers counseling. No amount of helpful encouragement from well-meaning friends or loved ones will push an addict to give up his drug of choice—including food, booze, and a dysfunctional relationship—before he's ready.
Last night, I sat with my iPhone out on my bedside table. I was staring at it waiting for the text box to light up. It was an hour before my second (damn) date with Mark*, the best date-asker-outer known to woman. Although Mark had confirmed our date, even told me what time he would text me and offered to pick me up at my place, I couldn’t stop the dark cloud from approaching overhead. Love is a war that enacts violence on your heart. After so many years, I’ve ceased to be able to imagine peace. I am ruled by fear. My heart exists in a state of panic.
In the grand scheme of things, it's only a year. He's not going to war and from what I know, computer programming is not the most dangerous profession. I've got trips to look forward to, great friends to drink with, and myself to take care of. I'll definitely have my sad moments, but I'm taking this with a grain of sugar, if you will, and making it into a growing experience. As much for me as it will be for him.
Sometimes, the worst part of dating is having to endure the cliche phrases that accompany it. I swear, if one more person says, "He's just not that into you," I'm going to jump into my oven and never come out. It was fun back in 2003 when the phrase debuted on Sex and the City and then became the title of a book (and then a movie!), but let's be honest, it’s totally played out. I get it. I grasp the concept. He's just not that into me and if he was, he would be. Next PLEASE? I beg of you single population-at-large, let's make dating somewhat hip again so we can feel non-lame while engaging in it. Here are some dating phrases that we need to put the kibosh on. Add your suggestions for replacement phrases in the comments.