Compatibility & Differences

15 Signs You're Meant To Be

sarah — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:21:46 -0500

Even when you're crazy about someone, it can often be hard to know if he or she is "right" for you. How do you know you won't feel differently in a year? Ten years? A lifetime? Deciding if you can commit to someone is a deeply personal determination, and everyone has different criteria. As in any verdict, you have to start by assessing the evidence. With that in mind, YourTango has come up with 15 signs that you're dating a soul mate. You don't have to check off all of these points to be sure about someone—but if you can say yes to several, you've found someone very special.

1. You tell him things you don't tell anyone else. We don't mean blurting something out after you've had too much merlot, but the desire to tell him intimate details about your life means you trust him—a major component of successful long-term love.

2. You let her see you in moments of weakness. It's easy to be happy with someone when you're feeling good about life. But what about when you're not doing so well? Do you want to see her when you've been denied a raise, or your cat died or you had a plain old bad day? She should be a comfort during tough times, not a burden. 6 Ways To Be Extra-Supportive

3. You respect him. You don't want to change the essence of who he is. There may be stuff that irritates you in everyday life—he insists on wearing his favorites, holey T-shirt, he eats sugar cereal for dinner, he still watches Saturday morning cartoons—but you like him, plain and simple.

4. You want him to meet your parents. You feel proud of him and you want to show him off—as opposed to feeling like you have to make excuses for him.

5. You can imagine a future together. You don't have to practice writing your first name with his last name, but do you periodically let your mind wander to picture a life together? Is it amazing?

6. You're not afraid to disagree with him. You know that even if you fight, he'll listen to you and won't brush you off. He takes you seriously, even when he thinks you're wrong. 9 Things To Say During A Fight

7. You want to work out your major differences. If you do have crucial differences that will impact your future together—different opinions about religion, money or something else—you want to work them out with him, and you believe you can come to a conclusion that will satisfy both of you.

8. You laugh together. Laughter is one of life's simplest pleasures—you should definitely be able to crack each other up.

9. You're incredibly, utterly, surprisingly attracted to her. Physical chemistry is an undeniably important ingredient in a healthy relationship. And if she's not a classic beauty or your usual "type"? Even more reason to think she's the one.

10. It's okay to be quiet around her. You don't feel like you have to fill the space between you with chatter or other interaction. Instead, you feel an easy comfort.

11. You feel like yourself around him. You don't feel like you have to edit your thoughts; you're not self-conscious or anxious.

12. You need him the right amount. You long for him—but not too much. Some neediness is good but too much breeds discontent.

13. You don't feel too jealous. You're comfortable with him going out with his friends—even female friends. You let each other have your own lives and hobbies. Feeling Jealous? Could Be A Good Thing

14. You feel like she makes you a better person. She makes you feel smart, funny, attractive, creative—like the best version of yourself. You feel like she brings out and complements the best parts of you.

15. She just gets you. Sometimes it's that easy. You feel like she understands some essential part of you that you can't explain or articulate. It's a warm, comfortable feeling—and one you should have with the person you marry.

Dating Advice For Short Men

tangosanjay — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:43:40 -0400

Many women prefer a taller man over a shorter one. If you're a short man, don't worry. Matt and Tamsen declare that there are plenty of women out there who aren't concerned with that.

Give advice and hear what other people had to say: Hung Up On Height

Got a question? Ask it now at http://www.yourtango.com/questions

Featuring America's Love Experts Matt Titus and Tamsen Fadal. http://www.askmattandtamsen.com

Couples Who Drink Together, Stay Together

Tom — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 11:00:00 -0400

Interesting news out of SUNY (State University Of New York) Buffalo. Evidently, the couple that boozes together cruises together.

According to the University At Buffalo's website, Dr. Gregory Homish has been studying the behavior and precipitant satisfaction of couples for a decade. He has come to the conclusion that couples with similar vices (alcohol and cigarettes in this case) and levels of engagement in said vices are likely to be more content with their relationship. And the correlation was greater for alcohol consumption than tobacco use (social lubricant!). Essentially, heavy drinkers are more likely to be happy in their marriage than a drinker married to a teetotaler. For A Month, I Did Everything My Wife Said

The study follows over 600 couples (mostly white with one-third African-American and a smattering of other ethnicities) and has them fill out questionnaires before their wedding, at years one, two, four and seven. Not surprisingly, the honeymoon ends pretty quickly as overall satisfaction trends down through the years. But couples with disparate habits were more likely to feel dissatisfaction than those with similar ones.

Though it's not expressly stated, you'd guess that in a Homer Simpson – Maude Flanders match (boozebag to teetotaler) that both parties are equally aggrieved. He says, "You used to be cool" and she says, "You're still drunk," to which he says, "I'll be sober in the morning and you'll still be a dork," at that point a door is slammed. As alcohol is a depressant, especially when one wakes up drunk only to become progressively more hungover until they go to bed that evening, you'd guess that couples with two double-fisters would generally be less satisfied but the study doesn't necessarily bear those results. And I'd guess that smokers are perpetually a little mad because of how their clothes and hair smell. But, it turns out that just having a PIC* really helps someone feel supported and loved.

This basically confirms other studies that say couples tend to gain weight together and take on each other's habits as they settle into a routine or lack thereof. Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart Shopping Date

You'd guess that this effect may be part of the mutual appeal for Amy and Blake. Interestingly, the non-party animals conducting the study list having six or more drinks in one sitting twice per year as "heavy drinking." These are the same guys who think they'll be greeted as if he just conquered Germania when they show up at the barbeque with a sixer of MGD.

Any thoughts on boozers and non-users co-existing?

Are Men Intimidated By Independent Women?

tangosanjay — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 15:46:21 -0400

http://www.yourtango.com | Smart Talk About Love Got a question? Ask it now at http://www.yourtango.com/questions Featuring America's Love Experts Matt Titus and Tamsen Fadal. http://www.askmattandtamsen.com Twitter: http://twitter.com/yourtango Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/YourTango YourTango is your source for smart talk about love, sex, dating and relationships. Whether you're married, single, taken, engaged or "it's complicated," check out our videos for the best love and relationship news, entertainment and advice. http://www.yourtango.com | Smart Talk About Love

Waiting Till Marriage? How To Tell Him

tangosanjay — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 12:27:55 -0400

Waiting until marriage to have sex? Know your limits and learn how to deal with men who pressure you to have sex. Matt and Tamsen give advice.

See what others had to say and give advice here: I have limits, how can I make him respect them?

Got a question? Ask it now at http://www.yourtango.com/questions

Featuring America's Love Experts Matt Titus and Tamsen Fadal. http://www.askmattandtamsen.com

Can You Be More Than Just Friends?

Nils Arrington — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 17:41:00 -0400

The ladies at TMI Weekly bring us another great video about the perils and triumphs of love in today's world. Do you ever wish you were more than just friends with someone? Has a friend ever wanted more from your relationship? These situations can be very tricky.

How To Make Over A Badly Dressed Man

Claire Daniel — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:16:12 -0400

I once dated a guy who clothed himself almost exclusively in band t-shirts, pleated trousers, and an ever-present fanny pack. (And no, he wasn't a German tourist.) I remember thinking when we met that I'd finally cast eyes upon the archetypal rock critic. That he actually was a rock critic made the experience all the richer. Because he was smart, funny and cute-ish, I chose to overlook his sartorial missteps and we quickly fell in love. But despite my best efforts—including renaming the fanny pack his "colostomy bag"—I never could convince him to spiff up.

LA-based stylist and personal shopper Eleanor Estes says there are two types of men: "They either have a well-thought-out style or they're clueless and malleable." Though his look was hideous, my long-ago ex was the former. "Men collect free t-shirts, no matter how hideous they are!" Estes says, sympathetically. The Frisky: After You've Googled Your Date, Check Out His Persona

"Wait, how did you know they were free?" I ask. Estes laughs. "Men think free t-shirts are the most amazing thing ever only because they're free—there's no other criteria!" Her advice for getting rid of the hole-peppered Residents shirt: Don't. "The specific items that I don't like, I keep at the bottom of the laundry hamper—I get it out of the mix, without throwing it out."

She also suggests buying replacement items so you can rotate the offensive pieces out. "Respond positively when they're wearing something you like and just don't say anything at all when they're wearing something you hate."

Cindy Wheeler, owner of Brooklyn's hipster clothing mecca, Beacon's Closet, sees loads of couples shopping together and agrees with Estes. "Men take their choices so personally; it's very delicate. A better idea than saying 'that shirt is awful' is replacing it with something that looks good. And then when they put that on, accentuate the positive."

So basically, calling his fanny pack a colostomy bag was a bad idea. The Frisky: Guys Have Insecurities, Just Like Women!

My friend Becky successfully made over a long-term boyfriend by using positive reinforcement. "He was a great guy—I loved his heart and soul but not his style," she tells me. "He had a cheesy perm and used to wear cardigans tied over his shoulders with pink polo shirts." While the two were in Spain, Becky convinced him to spring for a custom pair of black leather jeans.

Soon, instead of wearing preppy pink polos, her man was stomping around in motorcycle boots and close-cropped hair. While he looked about a thousand times better, Becky's story does not have a happy ending. "I made him too cool and attractive to other women," she laments. "So when we moved to his home city of Tokyo, all the women in his office hit on him and he wound up having an affair with the receptionist." Ladies, be careful what you wish for.

As for my boy and his fanny pack? While my mockery fell on deaf ears, a flamboyant coworker of his did the trick with just one skeptical up-and-down look and the words, "Honey, the last thing you need is more hips." The Frisky: 15 Things We'd Miss About Men

I never saw that colostomy bag again.

Written by Judy McGuire for The Frisky.

Is Facebook Causing Us To Cheat?

Kelly Barbieri — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 13:57:31 -0400

Since starting a psychotherapy practice 15 years ago, I've witnessed three basic waves of technology-based infidelity.

Back in the '90s, my clients generally discovered infidelity when opening their partner's cell phone bill. The story was pretty much the same for all of these clients: they would see countless calls to the same number, dial it up and find themselves speaking with the object of their partner's indiscretions. Then came email, the second wave of technology-assisted infidelity. These stories began to emerge in the late '90s. Suspicious partners would log in to their partner's email account and find plentiful evidence of extra-relational activities, if not outright proof of cheating. Watch: Do you snoop on his email?

The third wave began to break in late 2007, when Facebook expanded beyond its origins on college campuses. Facebook infidelity is insidious, and it differs from other technology-facilitated cheating because it begins in apparent innocence. Indeed, Facebook serves as a platform for communication that can lead, almost accidentally, to infidelity. For the most part, Facebook relationship rifts are not about clear-cut physical affairs. Instead, they are about lingering on fidelity's edge. Facebook infidelity begins when the technology, and the relationship that it enables, take too much of someone's emotional energy. Facebook Causes Romantic Jealousy

Recently, one of my clients, a 31-year-old mother of two, complained, "My husband is on Facebook all day! He has more than 500 friends! Who are these people anyway? At this point it's official, I'm a full-fledged Facebook Widow. Help!"

I have heard this term now—"Facebook Widow" (or, less frequently, "Facebook Widower")—more times than I can count. In fact, it is fast becoming one of the most common issues to surface among my therapy clients.

In most relationships, it seems that one partner Facebooks and the other doesn't. Or, if both partners are on Facebook, one has hundreds of friends and spends a good deal of time Facebooking, while the other never gets around to changing their bald, alien-head profile image. One gets hooked; the other doesn't. Watch: Facebook Manners And You

Facebook relationship troubles start out innocently. The Facebooker may join for professional reasons, or because they have received numerous invitations from friends. Before long, however, couples are fighting about who has more ex-lovers as "friends," who friended whom ("I forget" being the most common answer to this all-important question), and why people mention certain tidbits on their status updates that they don't bother to mention to their partner.

What makes Facebook appealing is also what makes it dangerous from an infidelity standpoint: it connects you to those you otherwise wouldn't meet or renew friendships with, it involves a degree of distance and it's easy. Chatting via Facebook is so much more innocent than, say, calling up the cute new guy at the office or, for that matter, an ex-lover—two of the most common cheating partners. Innocent interaction can quickly evolve into a state of emotional distraction (i.e., simply too much time and energy going to someone outside of your romantic relationship) or into near-infidelity, such as full-on flirtations or emotional affairs. Is Our Facebook Romance Real?

How much emotional energy is going into our cyber relationships? One of my clients—a recently single entrepreneur and self-proclaimed "recovering Facebook junkie"—said it best:

"Facebooking is great for those who are never, ever, under any circumstances, going to cheat on their partner. It's also great for cheaters who are going to cheat either way—Facebook just makes it easier. Facebook represents a serious problem for folks like me—the teeterers. By that I mean those of us who are not 100 percent likely to cheat, but who might, unintentionally, teeter on fidelity's edge. Facebook is to teeterers what a bar is to recovering alcoholics. Don't go there!"

If Facebook frustrations bring a client into therapy, my job is to help them figure out why they are a "teeterer" or why it is so hard to tear themselves away from their iPhone and connect with their partner. Without being able to delve into the nuance of each couple here, some basic parameters I offer to Facebook Widows may suffice:

What To Do If You Or Your Partner Feels Like A Facebook Widow(er)

My best advice to both partners is to agree to try logging off for a whole weekend. Even if you are not the one incessantly Facebooking, you need to log off and convince your partner to do the same. No Facebook. No email. If you must email for work, set specific times that you will do so (no more than two times per day) and stick to those parameters.

During this weekend, if you are the Facebook widow-maker, try reorienting your Facebook time toward your partner. Every time you have the urge to update your status or check your homepage, try asking your partner a question. Or give your partner a status update—in real life. Try putting the same effort, flair and energy into your real life relationship as you do with your cyber ones. In all likelihood, this will not be easy and will take a little getting used to over the course of the weekend. But stick with it and a happier, more connected relationship can be the result.

If you are the Facebook widow(er), during this weekend, be sure to be encouraging, available and engaged with your partner's efforts to reconnect. Be positive and be sure to ask your partner just as many questions as they are asking you. If you are enjoying your technology-free weekend, be sure to say so! A little positive reinforcement can go a long way. 3 Things You Can Do Right Now to Reconnect

After The Facebook-Free Weekend

As the Facebook widowmaker, make an effort have a healthier balance between your cyber-life and your real life. Cut back on your Facebook time and expand your relationship face-time. Continue to use the same strategies you used over the weekend by setting parameters around how much time you spend Facebooking, and how much energy you give to your partner. Continue to give your partner status updates through good old-fashioned verbal communication. And invite your partner into your Facebook time by poking them, sending them private messages off-wall, or mentioning them in your on-wall commentary. Fun And Free: A Couples Blog

What Not To Do

Many frustrated non-Facebookers take the approach, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." They try to "friend" their way to revenge. It's no surprise that they do not tend to enjoy Facebook at all, as they are simply doing it to prove a point. Also, spiteful Facebooking typically results in a relationship with two partners over-emphasizing their cyber life instead of their real one. Instead, continue to be positive and supportive of your partner's efforts to set parameters around Facebook time. Also, please consider that some Facebooking, in moderation, can actually be an enjoyable way to communicate, both with your friends and your lover.

It is likely that both partners will find satisfaction through these joint efforts to be more connected. If you don't feel satisfied by taking this advice—or if you find yourself unable to tear yourself away from Facebook, even for one weekend—you may want to ask yourself how much you have in common with the recovering Facebook junkie quoted above. And if your partner is unable to stick with the parameters above, you may want to re-evaluate your current relationship.

Elisabeth Joy LaMotte LICSW is a social worker and psychotherapist in private practice in Washington, D.C. Her book, Overcoming Your Parents' Divorce, was a finalist in the 2008 National Best Book Awards in the relationship category. Read more about her on www.elisabethlamotte.com.

Read our Q&A with Elisabeth about breaking up with parental baggage.

Oui, Y’all: Why Accents Are So Attractive

Kristina Puga — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 18:13:57 -0400

As if dating shows couldn't get any worse, there was a new addition to the primetime lineup this summer called Dating in the Dark. Maybe you've heard about it. Three men and three women court each other in a pitch-black room to find out if love is, in fact, blind. While I'm not racing to the next casting call, I do think I've figured out what my secret weapon would be: an accent. Who, I wonder, has never melted like chocolate in a warm hand at the sound of an exotic voice? Give me a nice Scottish brogue and those lights would never have to come on.

There is something about the lilt and drawl, the strange clipped consonants and elongated vowels tumbling out of a man's mouth, that makes my heart pitter patter a little bit faster and my otherwise stringent standards slacken. I blame a tryst with a London waiter during a semester abroad solely on his devilishly alluring Aussie accent. Judging from the 3,138 members of the Facebook group "Accents are Sexy!" I’m not alone.

It's Subconscious, Not Scientific
Why is it that some accents attract us, while others grate like nails on a chalkboard? There must be some science to it—timbre and tone, resonance and fricatives, vowel shifts and dropped syllables. But truth be told, there’s not—at least there's no physiological reason why one accent is more pleasing to the human ear than another. Our inclinations toward certain accents, rather, are psychological and cultural says Susan Tamasi, a sociolinguist at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. Psychology of Attraction

"It all has to do with aesthetics," says Tamasi. "There is nothing linguistically sound about saying one accent is more pleasing than another." A preference—or a response to an accent, like say, being turned on—arises from the positive or negative associations we have formed with a certain accent or dialect. (Accent refers to the way words are pronounced; dialect refers to speech patterns and constructions.)

Maybe you had a college professor from New England, and since then, a Yankee accent suggests a smoldering hot intelligence. Or you weren't a fan of George Bush and now you can't bear to listen to anyone with a Texas twang.

Some of these perceptions are widely held. In England, the RP accent (Received Pronunciation, or "the Queen's English") is associated with the upper crust and the wealth of the British school system. It's why many foreigners attribute British speakers, deserving or not, with intelligence and prestige. On the other end of the spectrum might be Southern American English. As a Southerner myself, my accent sometimes makes non-Southerners assume, at different times, my naivety, ignorance, or trustworthiness—all stereotypical characteristics of the uneducated hillbilly or overprotected Southern belle. Of course, that's not always bad. I know exactly when to turn the accent on in order to turn someone on.

Irish Guys Should Thank Colin Farrell
The media, in all its forms, plays a large role in creating these accent associations. How many Scottish guys saw an increase in action after the movie Braveheart came out? South Africans, you can thank Leonardo DiCaprio for Blood Diamond. Spaniards, Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz will gladly accept your gratitude for making Spain even sexier. Germans, you can thank Heidi Klum's stunning face and figure for putting Germany on the map for something other than luxury cars. Bostonians, Matt Damon is accepting thank you notes for Good Will Hunting. Matthew McConaughey… well, he didn't even have to talk to give Southern men a good name.

It's not all Hollywood's doing, however. Politics also play a role. Tamasi notes that Americans favor the accents of European Spanish (Spainish?), but not Latin American accents, perhaps because of friction over immigration. Likewise, Middle Eastern accents have fallen out of favor in the U.S., just as the popularity of the French accent waxes and wanes as our nation's relationship with that country changes. Politics Will Affect Your Relationship

A lot of it, Tamasi confirms, also has to do with exoticism. We're intrigued by that which is different from ourselves, charmed by the unfamiliar. A romp with someone with an accent feels like taking a walk on the wild side—a mini-vacation without having to leave our bedroom. It's different and it's exciting. It's not the boy next door—his accent tells you that much.

The Five Sexiest Accents
So which accents are the hottest? Sadly, there are no authoritative lists, as preferences are as individual as the accent-lovers who have them. However, a completely unscientific analysis of Facebook groups and online forums suggests the following five accents are most likely to get Americans hot and bothered:

1) British (RP, or "the Queen's English")

2) Irish

3) Spanish (from Spain)

4) Australian

5) Southern American (with a drawl, not a twang)

Disagree or care to add anything? Leave a comment … or better yet, leave a voicemail. Prrrrr.

Written by Kathryn Williams for CarolineDivine.

6 Things Men Should Know About Women

Melissa — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 15:10:05 -0400

For as much as we agonize over men—purchase self-help books, enlist our girlfriends as support systems during endless mimosa brunches—it was refreshing to click through Esquire's 75 Things You Don't Know About Women. Women Are Confusing Flirts

It's actually sort of cute to picture the scruffier sex, wide-eyed, analyzing the inner workings of the female mind. Or glancing at the words and focusing on the pictures. Hey, they tried.

We can't imagine men pour over this kind of stuff like we do, but when you have Sarah Silverman explaining the why girls go to the bathroom in groups (to do coke), Wanda Sykes revealing the way to a woman's heart (her clit), and Emily Deschanel giving men a run down on words we hate (panties, titty and moist), it seems a bit more believable.

Here's a round-up of some of our favorites:

"We can tell how good you'll be in bed by how good you are on the dance floor. This isn't an invitation to grind your boners into our asses — we're looking more for rhythm, ingenuity, and joie de vivre." -- Leslie Mann

"Call us back right away. That 'three day' crap does not apply. We're getting older and we don't have time to screw around. Wait too long and we'll lose interest. Trust me on this one." -- Christina Applegate

"Even when we're blindfolded, even when you're wearing sunglasses, even in the pitch black of night, we can always tell if you just ogled another woman." -- Maria Bartiromo

"We're afraid of commitment, too. You may think we spend our time scheming ways to trap you into marriage, but many of us are quite happy being independent and autonomous. Besides, we're not in any rush to quit lusting after young Calvin Klein models." -- Maria Bello

"Eye contact should last exactly 0.28 seconds. The quickest glance is the most effective. Treat us like the sun during a solar eclipse." -- Saira Mohan

"Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy." --- Alyssa Milano

What do you think? What would yours be?