I've never been afraid to ask for what I want in bed. I guess because during my teenage years I figured out I was/am a perv and I just owned it. But in my decade-plus of hooking up with dudes, I've come to see being clear about what I want is a bit rare: Guys have told me other women become self-conscious when asking for something risqué or kinky.
How do you shift from being co-dependent on your partner(s) into finding your way of being happy and powerful in your relationships and in the world? How can you be interdependent and enjoying co-creative process without falling into an old paradigm of “I need you! I want you! I cannot live without you!"?
Ben was not abusive. I was not being hurt, nor was I unhappy. We were in a dominant/submissive relationship—or playing at one, anyway—and following his orders got me unbelievably, unbelievably turned on
I thought I'd had "rough sex" before; I'd been spanked on my butt plenty of times, had my hair pulled, even been caned once while strung up with my hands over my head. That hurt, and I cried, and I liked it, because I'm submissive like that, but it was just a one-time thing. I'd had plenty of encounters with talking dirty, spinning all sorts of nasty fantasies, where, most of the time, I was on the receiving end of some very hot epithets. But I'd never wanted to be choked until I got together with the guy I'm dating now.
Certain words I dread ("We need to schedule two more dental appointments") while others I would kill to hear ("Ann Coulter's physician confirms sex-change operation"). And then there are statements that defy imagination, such as; "My husband gave me the greatest birthday present last night—a public flogging." I actually overheard one of my exotic dance students say these exact words last week. Now, I'm not exactly unfamiliar with the BDSM scene.
What do you do when your man doesn't know how to treat you the way you want to be treated in bed? In this week's Savage Love, a young woman writes to Dan Savage about her desire for rough sex and her new boyfriend's seeming inability to give it to her. In order to remedy the situation, the woman has hatched a scheme: have a threesome with her new boyfriend and her ex-boyfriend, so that the new boyfriend can learn the basics of bondage, rape fantasies, etc. The new boyfriend, she tells Dan, is totally on board with the plan. Nonetheless, she can't help but wonder: "Am I being a selfish bitch?" and "Is it a bad sign that he's not satisfying me sexually after three months?"
My first spanking was at my 16th birthday party. My guy friends tackled me on the kitchen floor and took turns giving me 16 spanks. And maybe one for good luck. I don't remember. Once freed, I was livid. I was mortified. And I was totally turned on.
Am I getting off on my relationship with my personal trainer? It's kind of like being involved with a Dom. Here's why!
"I'm a female college student and a feminist. I expect equal pay, equal treatment, and fairness when it comes to chores at home. But I have fantasies of domestic discipline. Some days, I'd like to rush home and clean the apartment and make dinner for my boyfriend wearing only an apron. Then I'd appreciate it if he'd find some excuse--something I did wrong--to spank me until I cry before having wild sex with me." Girlfriend harbors some serious 1950s housewife "Betty Crocker" fantasies, but realizes she doesn't want her relationship to be all Betty Crocker, all the time. The cooking/cleaning/apron-wearing/spanking is a heightened form of foreplay for her, but it looks so much like reality (rather, some people's reality) that she's fearful her guy is going to blend the fantasy into real life
