When couples set out to create their family, very few of them give consideration to the changes that take place in the bedroom after the kids are born. For many of the couples I see, the joy of having children is diminished by the loss of their marital and sexual connection. Watch as I explain how you can re-create the eroticism in your marriage and connect with your partner on a deeper, more meaningful level.
SEX AFTER KIDS
Once again, it had nothing to do with male sexuality—can’t figure out for the life of me why it’s always gal’s sexuality that’s under scrutiny. Maybe because people keep that old tired, “men can have lots of sex and women can’t…because she’ll get pregnant and get labeled a ‘whore’” dogma subconsciously in their heads.
We've all heard how sex lives can suffer once you have kids. First, because of the damage that occurs to a woman's nether regions during childbirth. Then, because of the tenderness of a woman's vaginal lining—in addition to hormonal fluctuations—in the months after childbirth. And then? Well, there's the lack of time, and the exhaustion that comes from being a parent (and a spouse, and a fully functioning individual). There's the magnification of the madonna/whore complex that can occur after you pop one out. There's the reshuffling of your affections, and the sometimes attendant resentments that can result from this. This doesn't worry me. After all, our sex life already sucks.
This isn't another story about the current state of a mother's breasts, the kind that—if you've never had kids—makes you decide right there and then that you will not be nursing any future children. Solely because you can't imagine ever describing your own breasts as "saggy," "lifeless," or "uneven." This is, however, a story of ownership. From one relationship stage to the next, these breasts seem have fallen under someone's else's domain—except my own.
"Two years ago while recovering from the demise of a fifteen-year marriage, I responded to an invitation to join a sex party. Knowing I was newly single and in no rush to get involved in another romantic relationship a woman I worked with unexpectedly told me about her unusual hobby," —sex with multiple partners—"and urged me to attend a group sex event." Having kids and getting divorced left this woman with no sexual self-esteem. "After weaning my daughter so that I could go back to work, my breasts lost tone and sagged and my abdomen muscles were loose and flabby. At a time when I was most psychologically vulnerable, the changes in my body became a source of teasing and hilarity to my husband." Read on to find out how orgies helped her recover her sexual self.
Blogger Crush: AAG LoveStage: Divorced & Starting Over AAG, aka Always Aroused Girl, is the blog of a midwestern mother, recent divorcee and sexpert. At the end of this month her blog will be three years old, and if you visit before September 15 you can enter her contest to win a bevy of sex toys from Babeland. But it's not just sex toy giveaways that have us crushing on AAG (although she does give away quite a bit of swag). We love her blog's down-to-earth mix of sexuality, motherhood, and general life observations.
"The jury is still out as to whether or not kids are good for marriages, period," says Kimberly Ford, mother of three, who writes about erotic dancing, Brazilian waxing, vibrators, communication, Private Time and how these all contribute to having a healthy sex life after having kids, in her book Hump: True Tales of Sex After Kids. "At the end of a long day of chatting with moms at the park or going to a play group or going to Gymboree, or whatever my day had been full of—and lots and lots of conversation, very important conversation about how to get the baby to sleep through the night, or how to get your body back—I just feel like I need to be an adult," says Ford. "Frankly, sex is a very efficient way to feel like that."
Many women go through a postpartum libido drought. This dry spell is caused by natural bodily changes and may be the result of depression or even breast-feeding! Sometimes it can even last for months and can cause a significant strain on your relationships. Are our hormones too out of balance to even think about doing THAT? Or is there something more to it? Elizabeth Uppman gets to bottom of this all-too-common phenomenon in a very personal essay.
Having a child irrevocably alters the balance of a partnership. The responsibility, time commitment and difficulty having baby is tough, no matter how strong your union; romance and sex after kids can be hard to accomplish. Although many couples decide the disruption is worth it, finding a new equilibrium can be challenging. Here, one mother comments on why she won't do it again. In her own words, "admitting that bringing a child into a relationship might ruin said relationship verges on the unpatriotic. Like most of us, I expect romance to survive marriage and committed cohabitation. I’m more dubious that it can survive raising a child."
Every month for twelve days after her period, Orthodox Jews can't touch each other. No sex, no back rubs—they can't even pass each other the salt at the dinner table. Before a husband and wife can reconnect the woman goes to the mikvah, the ritual bath that makes her clean, or kosher, again. Are these rules frustrating? Yes. And sexy as hell. In one woman's words, "As I listened to one woman after another bemoan her sad sex life, I thought about how, after five years of marriage, Avy and I are hotter than ever. Suddenly, I felt very religious." In this essay Lynne Meredith Schreiber describes the passion of a strict Jewish marriage.