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Worried he will break up with me becuase he is broke

Published on April 20, 2009 by auranissa

My boyfriend recently turned 30 and gets depressed because he feels he is not where he should be in life by now. He complains that finances do effect relationships ( I disagree with this), and he doesn't feel man enough because of his current financial situation. I have loaned him money in the past, and he feels even worse when he has to ask me for help. He has expressed to me that he sometimes feels he is not in a position to be in a relationship right now, because he doesn't always have money to treat me, let alone himself. I want to offer him some sort of security or reassurance to encourage him but don't know what to do or say. And my biggest fear is that he will end the relationship because he doesn't feel "man enough", due to finances. We usually trade off staying at each other's house over the weekend, since we live about 45 miles apart, but recently he suggested that we start spending every-other weekend together to save money....Originally I thought he was doing this so I would not spend so much money, as I am normally the one to come out of pocket. But now I am realizing he is doing that because he feels like less of a man when I spend money on him. I do understand where he is coming from, as a man...however I personally don't think any less of him because of his financial status. He is a wonderful man, in fact he is everything i could ask for in a man...I don't want to loose him over money!

Can anyone offer me some advise? A mans point of view would be awesome too!

ANSWERS

I disagree Monica, The times I have loaned him money he paid me back asap...also i usually am the one to offer to loan him money, he has never asked me for money. I think your missing the point, but thank you for the input.

I have been in the exact situation where I did everything for a man finacially during college. After he graduated he dumped me and I was screwed after all the thousands of dollars I let him barrow and I was left with a broken heart. If you really love him, see him less due to the commute. I understand its okay for a woman to pay for things these days, but I would try seeing him less until the money issue passes.

Sounds like his ego is taking a big hit. It is tough. I was recently in his situation and I felt like scum of the earth, because my DH is smart, successful and makes good money. And were married and I felt like a loser!

But here is the thing. I think instead of contradicting him when he says he doesn't want to spend money or he feels like he can have a relationship right now, tell him "I understand." Empathize with him. Listen to what he has to say. Don't just say "NO!! I LOVE YOU IT DOESN'T MATTER" because while that is kind and supportive, it completely invalidates how he feels. So listen. Then at the end say, "I understand how you feel. It's frustrating. But I want you to know that when I see you I see more than just your job and your money, I see a wonderful person. [insert good qualities here]. And it's tough out there, a lot of good people are taking a huge hit, but I know you'll work this out and reach even more goals than you ever thought and I want to be there for you to help you through this."

Something like that will validate how he feels and let him know that you are looking beyond just the money. And I think that if he says he wants some space, you should give it to him. My husband had to give me a lot of space. For a while I wouldn't let him say the word "job in front of me because I felt so insecure. But its important you listen and work with him. Tell him you'll do what it takes to stay together and you'll work with him. That goes so much father than just throwing money at him. Don't try to solve his problems by giving him money, give him a listening ear, some validation and support.

I was dating my ex for 2.5 years and had been living with him for about 5 months when he lost or quit (I don't know which because he was a liar) his job. He was unemployed for 4 months and it ruined our relationship.

You're a lot more woman than I am because money matters to me. I might be materialistic or shallow or whatever, but nonetheless, me being the sole bread-winner and paying all of the bills and supporting two people on one salary while he didn't even clean up around the house or spend time looking for a job made me lose respect for him and eventually made me resent him and everything else and I ended up cheating on him before I broke it off.

I've always dated men who earned more than me, and I am not interested in dating anyone who can not support themselves. If "love" is what matters to you then tell him, but just remember that love doesn't pay the bills.

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