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Published on March 4, 2013 by megpete

My husband works with this woman who makes passes at him right in front of me. In conversation, she always mentions something sexual. Last time we met her and his other co-worker for dinner, she brought up male orgasm, masturbation, and was looking at him as she discussed someone not believing in marriage, being faithful, and having a threesome. In the same conversation, my husband told her he has his nipples pierced and the last time we were out with them, he took his shirt off to show all his tattoos. Why would he tell her that and why is he doing this stuff?! If I did that, he would FREAK out. Anyway, She gazes at him while playing with her hair, always stands really close to him (arms almost touching) and it's making me extremely uncomfortable. He even said he got weird vibes from her at one point, but now he says it's all in my head and it's clearly not. When he doesn't say anything to stop it or even show his commitment to me, it seems like he is giving off the vibe that she may have a chance. In my opinion, he should be doing or saying SOMETHING to stop this behavior, but he is not. She isn't even attractive, and I don't think she is his type, but I'm still feeling stressed and unsafe. If i say anything to my husband, he will call me a crazy jealous insecure person and I know that what is going on is not appropriate! What should I do?


You and your husband need (perhaps with the assistance of a marriage counselor) to have a serious discussion on boundaries, and what is and is not appropriate to do oneself as well tolerate in others. This woman's behavior and choice of discussion topics are inappropriate in public even if she were doing it with her own (if she had one) husband. Your husband is also crossing the line by not only NOT shutting down her inappropriate behavior, but engaging in it himself (taking off his shirt to show her his tattoos and pierced nipples - REALLY!?)

He may think it's just harmless adult banter, but it's making you uncomfortable (you HAVE told him, in no uncertain terms, that it makes you uncomfortable, haven't you? Don't ever assume he "should" know something). You could also point out to him that his employer probably has a policy against this kind of behavior between employees, so NOT stopping it could risk or cost him his job (and people are NEVER as discreet as they think they're being).

As for your noting that she isn't even attractive, that's irrelevant. I'm not saying he is or is even contemplating cheating on you, but the dynamic here is the same. Sex and physical attractiveness is not the main reason people start to cheat on a spouse - it's the thrill of being paid attention to (which she is certainly doing) and made to feel special that appeals to people. I don't know what is or is not going on in your relationship with your husband, but see if you could perhaps make a conscious effort to pay more positive attention to him. It could be a case of him simply being a jerk and this is wasted effort on your part, but most men have no temptation to stray if they are getting their three core needs met at home - Desire, Appreciation, and Respect. Now, HE should also be doing all this stuff back to you too (and if he isn't, he's a louse), but this is what you should be doing for him.