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Give Advice: Will She Resent Me For Not Wanting Kids?

Published on August 26, 2012 by tommy12345

I'm 24 and my girlfriend is 20, we met in high school while I was a senior and she was a freshman. I can honestly say that I feel like we are soulmates, we have been together ever since and when she turned 18, she moved in with me. We had already talked about whether or not we should have kids, and I firmly said that I do not and never will want children. She, on the other hand, did and after a series of long talks she agreed that she wouldn't want kids since I don't. This whole process happend even before we both moved in together.

And so when I was 19 I had a vasectomy but put some sperm into storage, I did this not because I would eventually change my mind. But it seemed like a smart idea that would have no effect on me in the future. I love her more than anything in the world and am planning on proposing to her very soon, but I am terrified that she will grow to resent me for not giving her a child, and I am so afraid of this and am worried on how this could affect our lives.

My decision to not have a child was not something I did carelessly, I did a huge amount of research on the subject and more often than not I found that couples who had kids were not as happy as their child-free counterparts. Having a kid seems to put a huge dent (if not obliterating it entirely) on your free time, romance, sex lives, money and health. Plus I was beaten pretty severely by my own mother as a child, and feel that I would not be able to raise a kid with the love he/she needs. I have also read that women are biologically coded to want kids, I don't know if this is true or not, but like I said previously, it scares me.

I've been with my girlfriend (soon to be wife) for a long time, we have been there for each other in good times and bad. I've helped her through college, and devoted all of my life to her. And I can't bare the thought of her resenting me, I've talked about this with her and she says not to worry. I honestly say I trust her with my life, but I'd like to hear someone else's thought. If for nothing but someone to vent to. She is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and the thought of losing her is not something I could take, especially over something like this.

Thanks

ANSWERS

If she says don't worry, don't worry. :-) Not all women want children. I am a woman and I never wanted kids. If she changes her mind, she should feel comfortable enough to let you know. She loves you and she wants to spend her life with you. If ever you two change your mind, you have some sperm in storage. For now, just live your lives and love each other! :-) Good Luck.

I think you've made your lack of desire for children crystal clear. That's the important part. She knows that life with you will not involve having children, and beyond that she is free to choose whether she stays with you or not. Not all women want children, and I think there are many women who are ambivalent (it would be fine if she did, fine if she didn't).

I do think that the important part on your end is to be gentle and patient with her if she needs to talk about how she feels about it in the future or if she gets a little sad when her friends are having babies. I think that's normal, even for a woman who knows in her bones she doesn't want children. It's one of the things my husband and I talk about sometimes, he had a vasectomy in his early 20's and I've just turned 30 so a lot of my friends are having children. Sometimes I'm a little wistful or sad about it, and it does help to talk about it (the kitten didn't hurt either). Those feelings aren't going to be a threat to your relationship and your life together unless you try to make her quash them instead of treating them like the fleeting "what ifs" they are (kind of like reading a news story and wishing you'd become an astronaut instead of an accountant)

You sound clear about your intentions and that is fine for the present. Your girlfriend doesn't sound quite as clear as you do. But for the moment let's say she is clear about it being okay not having kids. My caution is that people change over time. What they want changes with time. So even though your girlfriend appears to be clear now, in 5, 10 or even 15 years she could discover that she wants children. But there is no way to know in advance what the future will do to shape your wants in life. Making an unequivocal statement now about kids, doesn't make either of you immune to discovering what you want changes. You have been up front with each other about the subject of kids and that's good that you have. My suggestion is that you seek out counseling about your childhood experiences with your mother. Seek counseling to heal your own self and be a more real you in the present with your girlfriend (or wife). Therapy/counseling is a big committment of both time and money. But if you stay with it for a sufficient amount of time, the benefits are huge. You might come to a point of changing your mind about kids or you might not. But either way you will have a better perspective of you, your girlfriend will have a better, happier partner. It would be a gift to yourself but the benefits would be for you both. I hope this helps and I wish you both well.

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