ANSWERS

Hello need_1028, I know that sex is an important way for a man to feel connected to the woman they love so barely having sex with your wife must be rough. And I appreciate your concern around finding out she bought a vibrator. I truly don't know if you should be worried about the vibrator.

I would like to instead direct your concern to, 'we barely have sex as it is.' I'm curious if it's been this way since the beginning of your marriage and if not when did it change? Did something specific happen? New baby, new job, move, death, etc. Or was it a gradual thing? Often it seems like it happened over night to a man because the 'signs' of it coming are not obvious.

I'd like to first let you know there are a variety of reasons a woman stops having sex. 1. If they're feeling overwhelmed by their life which could also include lack of sleep they don't have enough energy to be excited about having sex. When they're feeling this way it can seem like just another job. There are a number of solutions a man can do to help a woman feel less overwhelmed. Offer and do some of the tasks around the house. Listen without offering a solution when she's feeling stressed and just needs to talk it out.

  1. If a woman isn't comfortable asking for what she wants sexually (or she doesn't even know) she'll continue to not be satisfied by having sex and finally stop. I know you can't be a mind-reader (even though most women wish men could) so during love-making watch her reactions, take your time, reassure her you truly want to please her.

  2. Depending on her age her lack of interest in sex might be due to a decrease in hormones. This decrease not only effects a woman's sex drive it also effects her comfort (or lack of) during intercourse. Because this decrease can cause vaginal dryness.

The bright spot about her buying a vibrator is it's an indicator she's still interested in sexual things. And by her using the vibrator she could discover more about what she likes.

And now the answer to your second question, should you ask her about the vibrator. That will definitely be up to you. I would suggest that you ask a few other questions first. 1. Sit down with her, ask about her day and then listen to her answers. One important element men don't know about women is how good it makes us feel to be listened to. I recently wrote an article for YourTango.com "What are the 3 words women want to hear?" Those words are, "Tell me more." When a man just listens to a woman and continues to say "Tell me more" she feels cared about and will eventually feel more relaxed. Doing this over time with her will make it easier to ask her additional questions.

I know I haven't given you direct answers to your questions. What I'd like to suggest is for you to create these conversations with her each day for a week and then let me know what you've learned. At this point we can discuss a plan to create a closer relationship between you and your wife.

Coach Christine

To be perfectly honest, the fact that she purchased a vibrator and I'm presuming has been using it without talking to you or even letting you know is a sign that the lines of communication are shut off between you, especially if you are not having much sex. She is experiencing some of her sexuality apart from you, though she's not straying outside the relationship. This may or may not be a problem now, but overall, couples need to be able to experience their sexuality together, not as separate strangers. Sex is a barometer for the health of the relationship. If you're barely having sex, it can be a sign that there is a disconnect between you, either due to over demanding work schedules, or unacknowledged emotional distance growing between you. Sometimes people don't even know they are growing apart until they wake up one day and realize they are strangers living as roommates. Couples can't live separate lives, not taking time to connect emotionally and expect it to not have an impact on the relationship.

The fact that she didn't tell you about the vibrator could be for a number of reasons. It shows she's still a sexual being and into sex, but maybe she's never purchased a vibrator before and was too embarrassed to say anything to you. I don't know all of the particulars of her sexual history, but I do know if a woman doesn't feel safe or comfortable talking about her sexual exploration, she'll do so privately. This is not a good thing because you are a couple who can delight in exploring these things together.

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions. Like I said, maybe you two have been overworked and on opposite schedules and your time clock for sex just hasn't been aligned. But the lines of communication are clearly not as open as perhaps they could be or you would like them to be. Have an open and honest conversation with her but don't be accusatory because it will put her on the defensive and she'll shut down. See where's she at, and express in "I" terms how you feel about having to find out about it the way you did. Express your goals for your sexual relationship with her and ask her how she feels. Talk to her about what she wants from you in order to be able to help fulfill her sexual needs. Maybe she's dying to have a conversation about sex and is waiting for you to open the door. It could be one of the best marital conversations you'll have.

I know exactly how you feel. I would personally be a little concerned, especially because you both aren't being as sexual with each other at the moment. If you can try and get past the fact she bought one. Then maybe you can be the one operating it for her. wink

There is nothing wrong with owning a vibrator. Most women do have one. I would simply address the issue of not having a healthy sex life. This is what you want to work on. Communicate with her. Tell her that it is important that you have a healthy sex life again and you want to work together to fix and improve things. Tell her you are sorry and you want to know what you can do to help. Open up to each other. Good luck!

ANSWER THIS QUESTION