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wife moved out

Published on August 5, 2012 by mdaws70

my wife just turned 49 last month she has been depressed for sometime and seeing a therapist on her own she moved out 3 weeks ago now she said its because she needs her independence and whats to take a break from us.Now that she has to pay rent she cant afford therapy so how is her problems gonna get any better.She is my everything and i just want her to be happy .How can I get her back I want to help her but feel she is pushing me away.We do talk a little but not enough

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I am sorry that you are in this situation and I'm sure it's scary for you. I think it might be a good thing that your wife moved out for a bit. Why do I think this? Because you call her "your everything" and that is a red flag to me. It signals some codependence. Sometimes, even when we think we absolutely want the very best for those we love, we get caught up in a cycle where we feed the person's sickness, instead of help them through it. You may want only the best for her and think that you have been trying in so many ways to help her get better; however, you may have also SUBCONSCIOUSLY tried to keep her depressed. She may feel like your relationship isn't helping her get better. You have to let her figure things out on her own: even her financial issues. She is a CAPABLE person who is able to work and get out there. You have to believe in that and not think of her like someone who can't pay their own rent. You have to help her by TRUSTING in her love for you and SITTING BACK and letting her do what she has to do for herself right now. Have a talk with her and tell her how much you love her and want her to be happy: "I love you and am so happy that you are taking steps to be more independent. Clearly you feel like your independence will help you feel less depressed. If that is true, I want that for you. If you ever need my assistance, let me know how I can help you. I know you are fully capable of paying your rent and your bills but if you need some help along the way, ask me. I want this for you as much as you want it for yourself. I'm your husband, therefore, I am your biggest cheerleader!" Don't try to convince her of how she needs you and how you know what's best for her. Let her know what's best for her. If you are scared or concerned about the marriage, tell her. Say "I want you to find your way but I have to tell you that I am scared for us. I don't want to lose my wife completely. Your independence is going to be hard for me at times and I hope you can understand that I won't always say or do the right thing, but I will try to support you no matter what, because I love you." If she really is in love with you, she will tell you that she cares about you and that she doesn't want to cause you pain.
In this situation, if you want to have your wife in your life, you are going to have to be supportive and open to changes in your marriage. Nothing will be the same and that's good BUT sometimes good is new and new is always uncomfortable. Embrace the changes and trust in her love. The only way to keep her is to be calm and supportive: you hold out your hand and a butterfly will land there, but if you try to hold onto it, it will fly away or be crushed under your desperate clutch. I suggest you get a therapist to help you with this transition. You are also suffering because of her need for space and that is natural. A good therapist can help you find YOUR independence and more happiness outside of your relationship with her. This will help your marriage a lot. All the best.

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