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Why should I keep on trying?

Published on December 7, 2013 by averagecopy

I try and help my wife from helping to cook, clean and take care of the house. I think I do a lot to help out, but most of the time when I do help my wife she finds something wrong with the way I did it. Like today when she asked me to make breakfast. I cooked the bacon for BLT's and I did it the way I know how and she got upset that I cooked the bacon that way and kept asking questions on why I did it that way. I told her that everyone has a style of cooking and it will taste fine. My wife kept on saying she did not understand why I cooked the bacon that way. This happens a lot. I try to help then I get a lecture on doing it a different way. Why should I continue to help if I keep getting put down on the way I do things?

ANSWERS

Ok. I can really help you with this. This is exactly how things were with my ex wife a year ago. Now I'm in the throughs of divorce. I don't know if you've made any decisions or what other stressors are going on in your life with her, but I will tell you that the situation you are describing is a communication problem. After you read this blog, get a book called "The Power of Two." It is an excellent book and I think it can really help you in your situation. Also ask yourself what you think is happening to your relationship with her and how her behavior and words affect you emotionally. Then share those answers with her.

It seems to me that your wife is unhappy with the marriage. This has nothing to do with how you cooked the bacon. Ask her directly what she thinks about the marriage? Have her feelings changed about you? Does she love you anymore? These sort of things happen in a marriage over time. These are deep rooted questions that need to be addressed. Unfortunately for me, the therapists and counselors I had never taught me how to communicate my thoughts and feelings effectively. I hope to spare you that pain of sifting through the dark.

If sex has stopped and you are not having at least one date a week, I would suggest getting a marriage counselor. Once the sex stops, everything else falls apart.

Keep in mind that your wife has to play ball with you on this. Discern the root of the problem and address it. Good luck. If you want to keep things private, you can send me a private message.

I am sorry that you wife seems to make a big deal about minor things. But I do not want you to try to get so upset about it. The thing is that she may not know how you feel. It is sad, but some people can be quarrelsome or offensive without even knowing. Being argumentative, may just be in her nature. I know that this is not the answer you may want to hear, you want to hear how to fix it. My suggestion to you is simple. When dealing with people that you feel are difficult, you can never control the person or their reaction. The only thing that you can control is yourself and the way that you react. First, I would suggest communicating to your wife about her behavior. What I suggest is turning it on yourself. This may include saying “It really makes want to not help around the house, when I am criticized in the way I do things. I am doing things the best I know how.” Always, try to use I statements and avoid putting things back on her. You can choose to change this phrase to fit your personality, but you get the point. The point is to open up dialogue and to express how you feel. It may be possible that she does not know that she is coming across and her tone is actually making do the opposite of what she wants. I would suggest talking first. Do not stop helping around the house, because this would just cause more conflict. If all else fails and this is a continued issues, then some counseling may be in order.

I would keep it short and sweet. I think... & I feel... "When you say or do _, I think/feel _." The key here is to assign thoughts and feelings. With thoughts or saying what you think, it is OK to disagree. With feelings, there needs to be understanding. Sometimes asking why a person feels a certain way will get them to think about what were the cause(s) of those feelings. This will help you to get to know people on a deeper level in general. Really useful for the significant other.

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