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Why married man can have sex with wife and mistress at the same time ?

Published on February 13, 2010 by mathilda

I have having an affair with married man. He tells me that he loves me and also wife as well. But he says that he is not in Love with me and also his wife either. He loves to have sex with me but he also have sex with his wife ... he is married with his wife for 17years so I am not sure how much he enjoys with his wife... anyway how come he can have sex with both at the same time? do you think he does not love me and also his wife ?? that is why he can have sex with both ? I am married too but since I met this guy, I have great difficulties to having sex with my husband. But this guy can handle both ... is this normal for men ?


I wish there was a more in depth and sympathetic answer to this question, but at the end of the day, it's simply this; men don't romanticize sex. It sounds cold, but it's not. We're not right, we're not wrong, we're just men. For us, sex does not have to have an emotional component. It's great if it can, but it's not required for us.

I am sure he enjoys your company, and l am sure he loves having sex with you, but for men, sex and relationship can be completely separate entities. Sex is 90% physical for a man. There is a difference between "sex" and "making love". 99% of the time a man takes his pants off, he is having "sex".

OK, then I would like to know how I can find out that this guy is having "sex" with me or " making love " with me. Because really the act is the same. When we have sex ( or making love ), he is alway very gentle , never force me things I do not enjoy, and I feel he is caring for me while he is enjoying sex.

Is there any ways I could sense that he is just having sex or making love ????

Honestly, with men, it's difficult. Some of us are simply good lovers, who are attentive and receptive in bed because we don't expect you to be good to us, if we're not good to you.

If I was forced to make an assumption, I would say he is likely incapable of very real emotional fortitude. The man has had a wife for 17 years, and thus, he apparently takes at least the theoretical premise of marriage seriously. I know, I can a make take his marriage seriously who is cheating? Well, the thing is, there is no way to determine it. He could simply not want to hurt her because they shared nearly two decades of their life thus far, or, he could be selfish, and simply not want to deal with her pain or feel guilty about having caused it. It could go either way with equal likelihood.

I would really be forced to wonder if this is his first infidelity? In other words, is he cheating with you because your you, or because your an instrument for him to cheat. Watch his actions, and his mannerisms. It sounds backwards, but you almost would like to see him acting a bit strange, or distant, or hesitant, because that would at least indicate that he is feeling some remorse for cheating on his wife. Right now, if I had to guess, and by no means is this a certainty, I would say that he is likely a selfish person. He may be a generous lover, but a selfish person. The man has been married for 17 years, and assuming she doesn't "do it for him" anymore, he seeks out someone who does. It's not fair to his wife, it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to your husband. Thus, his priority is obviously himself.

He gives you what he can give you, what he has available to give you. He gives the same to his wife. As long as there is two of you, neither of you will get all he has to offer, and so in that respect, he may like you, he may adore you, he may care for you, but he only loves one person; himself.

What you concluded was what I always had in my mind ... It's not happy answer for me but somehow i feel great to hear that someone said this for me. but if poaasible I would like to hear your opinion a bit ... to do this I have to tell you my situation a bit more. I started relationship with this guy about 15 years ago. I have love child with him. My husband knows but he accepted. We basically broke up 13 years ago and never met him till last August. Now we started having relationship again. He says that he is very much attached to me. By the way he told me that he does sex ( or make love ) with his wife time to time. so his wife must be attractive for him ?! Whe I became pregnant, he did not want me to have this child but I wanted so it sounds funny but I do not mind if he does not take a responsibility. But when I talk about my child, he likes to listen about him. After we broke up 13 years ago, he told me that he had few of one night stand girlfriends but since his wife felt that he is not honest to his wife and told him to stop it or divorce, he stopped having fun ... that was 4~5 years ago I think. So when I met him again last August, he really hesitated having relationship with me in the beginning ... This is similar to me too. I have never ever had a relationship with any other men except this guy since I am married so I did not know what to do when I met him last August. We both are a kind of ... do not know what to do . Well but we did choose having an relationship again. I just can not leave my husband ... not because of only money, because I do not want to hurt him. He can not leave his family too which I understand. I am not expecting anything from him. That is the key point for me. He stays with his wife, or divorce ... it is not big deal for me at all and actually I know if he divorce with his wife and I divorce with my husband and if we are together, it will not bring me happiness. How you can be happy when innocent people gets hurt for our selfish act ?! If he really loves me, that is all and everything I want to know and I want to have. I believe even we are not married we can love each other. what do you think ? Am I crazy ?

Well, that certainly offers some insight into your situation. Now, this is just my opinion, but I believe that there is a window that opens for two people where at that point in time they can be together. However, I believe when that window closes, we lose our opportunity.

In all likelihood, 13 years ago, this man wasn't in a position to accept or understand having had a child with you, and as a result, likely felt trapped by his own insecurity, lack of understanding, and inability to fathom his responsibilities. Even though you didn't ask him to take any, and elected to have and raise the child yourself, fatherhood changes a man, even if he is not a father per say.

Life is funny. We want something so badly, and then when we lose it, we feel as though nothing will ever fill that void. However, as time goes on, we endure new experiences, meet new people, and whether intentional or not, our lives go on and find new direction. For you, you met your husband, and for him, his wife. It doesn't make either or better or worse, just different. You will always be bound to this man since you have a child together, and as a result, he will always be part of your life.

Now however, he has become an active part again. His wife has likely never been "right for him", as he has suffered from infidelity on other occasions throughout the relationship. However, he stopped when he got caught, and committed himself to his wife, until you that is.

We all have someone in our past, someone who we know we should we should avoid because there exist "possibilities". We move on, we get married, we start families, we have lives. However, we know if we cross the path of this "someone" there will always exist a chance for "something". Granted, ideally this should be our husbands or wives, but truthfully, how often do people really marry or end up with their "someone". Through all life brings to us, all adversity, circumstance, and opportunity, what are the chances really?

Nevertheless though, you're both married, and as a result, every facet of your life becomes complicated when the two of you return into one and others lives. He is likely the "someone" which you should avoid. At the end of the day, we all have choices to make, and while some are less than perfect, or even less than desirable, it is about making the choice which makes our lives most livable, most rewarding, most worth our time. You both say you would never leave your husband and wife for fear of hurting them, yet you seem to ignore the fact that cheating is far worse, and more of a betrayal than divorce.

If you want the best life for yourself, the best life for your husband, and the best life for your family as a whole, than you should return to where you spent the last 13 years, avoiding this man. Just because you care for him, doesn't make what you're doing alright. But, in fairness, who am I to be judge and jury, we all make mistakes.

In answer to your question, yes, it is possible he loves you. However, keep in mind, everyone defines loves differently, and everyone has a certain threshold for both giving and receiving love. I believe, to him, in his definitions, that he does love you in some respect, as well as his wife. However, I remain steadfast in my previous conviction, that the person whom he loves the most is himself, and given the choice he will always pick him.