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Why is it so hard for me to have sex with with husband now that I know he's cheated?

Published on April 5, 2010 by yokpus

When people say watch for the changing signs in your man to know if he is cheating....believe that! My womans instuition kicked in is how I found out my husband cheated. He apologized, I put him out for a month....saw it was running my kids I let him come home....on the condition he sleeps in the den and has no conversation with me. Anyway, now that things have somewhat been tackled...through many major conversations,heated discussions,and therapy....I just can't find myself making love to him right now. He cheated on me last year in December....but it is still fresh to me. I know I need to learn to let it go....but I'm constantly reminded of it because I see this female everyday I take my son to school. I know I need to fix it for my own santity.....but how do I give myself to him knowing that he gave himself to someone else?


Its so hard because he violated the relationship that the two of you had. He went outside the marriage and with someone that you know and see and on a daily basis. I always thought that I would want to know who the person is. How they look, what their character is, how they carry themselves. Finds out that I am a much better woman than the one who carried out a long affair with my now ex-husband. There is no trust and respect because of what he did. He not only slept with this woman but he took the innocense out of your marriage. The saying "love conquers all" is have to love yourself and know yourself well enough to know if you are going to be able to continue in the marriage. If you do not want to be married to this man any longer because of what he has done then you need to end it now. Yes, the kids will be devastated but if they see that mom was miserable but know she's happy they too will come around. Do not discuss their fathers short comings with the kids. Kids are very smart and they will eventually figure out what happened. When the time come they will have questions I would suggest that you piont them in the direction of "dad" for answering. Forgiveness is the key here. If you forgive him (but you will never forget) you are allowing yourself to move forward, whether it's in the current marriage or making the decision to divorce. My daughters see that I am a much happier person now that the weight of his mistake isn't on me anymore. This isn't your battle any longer. You are carrying all the pain, hurt, humiliation, and devastation round as if you were the one who cheated. That's his burden and he needs to carry it. Best of luck.

Once trust is broken the relationship is damaged. If you took him back, then you must learn to trust him again and forgive his cheating, or end the relationship.

Often when people are hurt, they cling to their pain as a protective shield so they don't get hurt again. It seems like you are holding on to the memory of the pain and hurt he put you through, because you don't want to go through that again. But in order to make your marriage work you have to find the courage to be vulnerable again. That will take time. In the meantime, try trusting him with small things. Maybe rubbing your back, holding your hand. Whatever it takes. Let him know that you are starting small to work up to the big. Ask him for his patience and ask him to be trustworthy as you work together to get back to a place where you trust him enough to be vulnerable. It will take time. But you do need to eventually drop the shield that you are holding up around you.

Do you actually want him back? Or are you only staying with him for the sake of your kids? Staying with him for the sake of your children isn't always the best reason to take someone who cheated on you back. The problems in the relationship that continue because of it will end up doing them more harm then good because they will see the problems that you are having everyday in their home environment. If you really feel you can't get over this and you don't really want to be with him, yet are for the sake of your children, you should reconsider that. A divorce isn't the worst thing that your kids might have to go through. A very unhappy and depressed mother might be. However, if you truly do want to make your marriage work, it is going to take time to regain the broken trust. Just let him know you need time. He doesn't really have a right to be impatient with you because he's the one who damaged the relationship. Take however much time you need but give him a chance to regain your trust. I personally found that no matter what, once my ex cheated on me I was never able to trust him again. Even though we tried to work through it, I eventually ended things.

Would you like to hear a response from a man's point of view? I cheated on my wife, but you seldom, if ever, hear the reasons why some men do this. I am speaking for myself only, but there was a reason. I cannot testify why you husband looked elsewhere, but there was a reason. there is almost always a reason.

I will grant you that many men are scum bags. A lot of us are not. In my case I was the loneliest person you could meet. I too stayed in the marriage for the kids. I could not fathom waking up every morning without them. But my wife was not the physical type. We seldom had a physical relationship, no nuturing, no passion. I was miserable! I won't tell you how long this went on, but it was decades. I would do all the things I could think of to promote our sex life, but she was seldom interested.

A beautiful woman met me a few years back and started persuing me. I was immediately attracted to her, I just couldn't help it. After about 4 years of her advancements I gave in. It was the most beautiful experience of my life. But with all situations like this the relationship was wrought with complications. This beautiful girl broke it off recently because the complications just got to be too much to deal with. I was devistated, but understood.

I didn't do this to hurt anyone. I did it to help heal myself. I can almost guarantee there was a problem with your marriage before your husband cheated. If a woman wants her husband to stay home then give him the things he wants and needs. It really isn't all that complicated. I didn't want to cheat. It took 4 years for me to cross that line, but I was at my wits end. I have no regrets. I'm still in the marriage, but I doubt things will improve. I don't know if i will wander outside the marriage again either. The pain I felt when the affair ended was too much for me to handle.

You need to talk to him and find out what drove him away. If you can't fix that you're wasting your time.