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Why do people (especially women) say that I am "too deep"?

Published on July 8, 2010 by anonymity

Even when my mouth is shut and my mind is blank, I'm interrupted with the hypocritical accusation of looking "deep in thought". Is it possible that the world is too shallow? I don't denounce my depth but I would sooner frown @ too shallow rather than too deep. I know its healthy to take a light hearted approach and I do as and when I feel like it but I feel that something about me repels others and I cant figure out what it is. I'm confident its not my looks though sometimes I almost scare people automatically. I know I have very strong nerves after a difficult past but its not making my current life any easier. Any ideas on how I could pull down this invisible social barrier without being fake??


Laughter and having fun isn't fake. It's actually often the smartest response someone can have to a situation. And people can tell when you are judging them and no one likes that. Odds are you aren't finding the people around you enjoyable and they can read that all over you. While it may be a problem with the people around you, it may also be a problem with how you perceive them. Some of the smartest people I know (successful lawyers and members of mensa) tell the most wickedly funny jokes about celebrities. Which may be shallow, but it's also a way of having fun. Allow yourself to smile and have a good time. I was once at a party with published novelist and all we did was talk about the hilarity of puppets, for like 3 hours. Deep conversations are earned once you build up a rapport with someone. So, build up that rapport. Have fun. Also, check out this dating site.

I dont think im looking for a relationship per say but I do find the subject very interesting. I agree with the point that you make but Im pretty sure Im not the one doing the judging in my social circles - still I like to keep an open mind. I think, to be frank, the social awkwardness is a result of my intolerance to talking shit. I cant do it! The thought of it turns every nerve ending in my body against me and if I were looking for social discomfort - that would be the way. Still, thanks for the advice. Will read it again and have more of a think. Peace

You probably look too pensive or too deep in thought. Lighten up and have fun. The fact that you say you sometimes scare people "automatically" with your looks is kind of disturbing. And if you think there's something about you that repels others, chances are there is. You're being way too self-conscious, and you're taking the easy way out by condemning the rest of the world as "shallow" and claiming you are "too deep" to be understood.

Thanks Katherine but It just feels like you have jumped to a conclusion and think I should fit in to your ideal without questioning your own automatic expectations.

the 'automatically scared' thing occurs to me as more of a neural / electromagnetic clash rather than a material observation. That conclusion is based on much open-minded observation on my part. I am aware that much is invested by people in power for control over those of us with less power by way of using fear as encouragement for obedience. It doesn't work as easily on me as it does on other people I know. Food for thought...

Thanks for any desire on your part for improvement of my experience. Peace, Katherine..

I do scholarly work and I frequently hang around academics and philosophy types so maybe I can give you another perspective. It's probably not what you're going to want to hear, though.

It's the most common in first-year/second-year philosophy majors, but people who engage in "deep thoughts" will sometimes run into a number of ideas which they find insightful and convince themselves of their own enlightenment and superiority to others. I understand this somewhat, because the new-found perspective changes the way you look at things and you might feel a need to share this information with others. Say if I'm eating a burger, a Marxist might remind me of the fact that I'm eating the result of the exploitations of the working-class, a Randian might praise it as a result of our capitalistic system, an Analytic might look into its logical structures, while a Continential might read into its social/political implications and such.

The problem with this is that more often than not this tends to annoy people because it's pushing an agenda that has nothing to do with the conversation at hand. When "thinkers" do this, they're not really engaging the other person in any meaningful way but instead are expecting others to marvel at their (usually banal) insights and observations. From the things that you've written so far, it seems to be that this is the case -- your tagline of "prove me wrong" is basically fightin' words from an intellectual standpoint, because what you're really saying is that "you can try to prove me wrong but you won't be able to because I'm so deep". Unfortunately this is not the way to make friends, nor does it really impress anybody, even if they might know what you're talking about.

Anyway, the problem is with you, not the rest of the world. Trust me, because I've been on that path once when I was younger and I now see how really misguided I was at the time. You seem to be expecting that people are going to go way out of their way to wade through the intellectual barriers that you've created for yourself -- which they won't, because people have better things to do than to try to placate your ego over half-cooked ideas. Maybe you don't know this, but advertising yourself as being "open-minded" is a huge red flag, even to intellectuals, because any inquiry that's honest will lead to the conclusion that we all have desires and preferences in the way we go about things. "Open-mindedness" is a projection, which you expect from others but aren't willing to do yourself by being frank about your own situation.

Remember, you're not as smart as you think you are, and when it comes to social situations, the truth is overrated. Intellect and insights are meaningless without the confirmation of others, so this is something to keep in mind when talking with people. I know lots of "deep" people who do just fine socially, but they've gotten over the "prove you wrong/right" mentality and have learned to just enjoy the interactions that they have with the people around them.

If you really can't stand the people around you, consider finding another social circle. But please keep the things I've said here in mind, because with the attitude you have right now you will not find companionship anywhere, even amongst the educated.