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Why can't I get over her? It's been a year.
September 19, 2012 is the exact day that I lost her. We were together for almost 6 years, and we were also really young when we got together, she was 14 and I was 15. I was 20 (almost 21) and she was 19 when we broke up. We had our ups and downs but we always pulled through, we never had a break or time apart, we were together a solid 5 years and 9 months. We were each others first and only. We were high school sweethearts. And everyone knew who we were and that we were inseparable.
Anyways, when she left she said she still loved me and always would but she just wasn't happy and hadn't been for 7 months before the breakup. She wanted to "see what else life has to offer." It hurt like hell but I understood and respected her decision, so I let it happen, at first. After a few days, I was in VERY bad shape, I couldn't stay sober to save my life, and I eventually gave in and called her, I made every attempt to get her back, I did everything I could. We eventually met up in person and talked about the whole thing, and at one point I almost got her back, but she just wouldn't do it. So I told her I respected her decision, and that if she wanted me gone, that I would leave her alone and not contact her anymore. Then she told me that if she ever wanted to work things out or try again, that she would find me no matter where I was. She proceed to tell me that she loved me more than anything but had to let me go. That was the last time we ever spoke in person. It was on October 30th, 2012, a little over a month after the breakup. To make it worse, we had sex that night which was amazing, but it tore me apart once I left to go home, and realized that I wasn't going to have her in my life again, and that it was going to be the last time I would ever be with her or kiss her again.
After we were officially done, I moved about 3 hours away to my uncles to try and move on, thinking maybe I needed new faces and friends so that I wouldn't think of her as much. Since then, I have tried everything, I grieved for a long time and still do occasionally, I tried parties, being with, and around other girls, and confiding in friends. After that I focused on my career and landed a great job, thinking maybe it would get my mind off of her, but NOTHING will. I thought that maybe after a year away I would be better, that maybe I would have gotten over her by now. I mean I don't want to sound conceded, but I have a pretty good life now (minus loosing her), Ive got a beautiful car, a nice house, and just got a new job making really good money, I'm doing extremely well for being 22. But there is this huge hole that she used to fill that nothing else can seem to cover up. No matter what I do, she is the first ting on my mind when I wake up, and she's on it all day until I lay down to go to sleep, and then most nights I dream about her. I don't want to sound like Im whining, but I honestly cant get over her. Its impossible.
Im even scared to go back to my hometown because I don't wanna run into her. Im terrified of how bad it will hurt to see her, or hear her voice again after this long. Im scared that I'll end up starting back at day 1 and faling apart all over again. Not being able to get over her is ruining my life, and its to the point to where Im scared to go to my hometown and see my family or old friends because I might run into her. I wont even add my old friends on Facebook because Im scared she will pop up in the "mutual friends" and I wont be able to help but to click on her profile, and see her with someone else, which is likely since its been a year. Its pathetic I know, but I cant help it.. Its been a year and Ive made tremendous progress from where I was the day she left me, Im scared that if I see her again, Ill loose all that progress the second she looks at me.
If I could just get over her, and move on. I could have such a good life and I know it, my life is great aside from being stuck on her. Being stuck on her is ruining all the good that I have in my life. It's the only thing keeping me from being happy. I have a great job, nice car, and a nice house. If i could just patch up this hole she left, everything could be great.
Sorry for the long story, or for sounding like a whiner, but I just cant do this anymore. I feel like Im haunted by her, and I cant live my entire life being scared to go to my hometown or add old friends on Facebook because of her. I thought about maybe calling her to get some sort of closure, but Im scared of what she might tell me about her new life, and Im sure talking to her wont help me at all. Ill just fall apart if I hear her voice again. I would just be overwhelmed with memories, and loose it.
But has anyone else been through this? Or is anyone else currently going through this? I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, I deserve to be happy. I just don't know where to go from here. Maybe therapy? Its the only thing I haven't tried.
And by the way, thank you if you actually read this, it means a lot.