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why cant he reach climax?

Published on April 9, 2013 by taylay

My husband and I have been together for 13 yrs,married 5 and just recently(a month ago) got back together after a year of separation. Everything great except when we have sex or do any fooling around,he does not reach climax. My question is,why? Am I bad at it? Has he had better while we were apart and now I'm not what I once was?


Ladies please don't punch me, but here it is: "Please stop trying to control a man's body,senses, feelings etc" We men will reach that climax your speaking about when we are ready. If you want the what "IF's" it could be he's nervous, he's thinking too much about your ulterior motives to make him climax....I could go on and on, but the main question is : If you didn't care about this prior to the separation why is this such a new obsession of yours? Its unfair to throw in who may be doing it better, or having a pity party in your brain... I am going to go a little deeper with you because I sense something your not saying and maybe its my male intuition. Do you feel guilty? I ask this question because sometimes many women try to punish men with the separation ultimatum and then when the men get along just fine without the women and don't come running back as fast as you THOUGHT he would then some feel like they don't need you, respond as they did, or can be manipulated, and you feel your mojo or manipulation skills have disappeared because you appear to not have that magic you have over him? Men grow up, and sometimes men could have intimacy with you in other ways and enjoy sex but not like it was after a separation. Surely there may be other women who have provided him with other new exciting sexual relationships and you need not worry about this or try to force him to RATE OR COMPARE you for your ego or to make you feel secure, which is what you appear to want. I ask that you learn to forgive yourself and just accept that he made it without you during the separation and he has been satisfied and maybe,just maybe he needs more time to learn to Re-trust his feelings and allow himself to get in that place he was before. I would let him instruct you as it applies to him climaxing. I don't want to say your boring but maybe instead trying to control everything like most women, you may want to learn something from him. Maybe those old positions don't turn him on anymore. Sometimes a partner can push their mate out into the world into the arms of someone else and they get a chance to get that freedom and perspective and things about them change. Ladies you guys should listen to this woman's story because it appears as if you THINK you really knows what a mans want and then when he changes in some areas your not ready for the other changes forced by that one attempt to change him, which appears to have happened here. I say time will tell, but for now I think he should initiate and let you know what he likes and what he wants instead of you trying to give him WHATEVER you want to...

Dear taylay,

I do think Cordero definitely made some important points and asked some valid questions. And when a woman has a question about a man's behavior it's always very helpful to hear another man's point of view.

It also seems that he made quite a few assumptions about you and I'm concerned that you didn't feel your worries weren't addressed.

I hear you're concerned about your husband's lack of climaxing. And you're wondering if it might be because; you're bad at it or if he had better while you were apart or if you're not what you once were. These questions can either drive you crazy or give you action steps. I'm happy to address them next.

First separating and getting back together causes huge turmoil in our relationships and ourselves. The truth is - We probably can't go back to "the way it was" because that didn't work. We don't know who we are in our new relationship(because it is a new relationship, even when it's with the same people. Sorting through your feelings before, during and after the separation is one the keys to relaxing into the news trust when you choose to get back together.

A couple of questions to ask yourself - How did you feel before the separation? Who initiated it? Why did you decide to get back together? What did you both decide would be different this time? Answering these and additional questions will help you build a firm foundation for your new relationship.

Now I'd like to talk to your concerns about what might be missing in you that is causing your husband not to climax. It sounds like you might be feeling insecure about yourself. There are many reasons you could feel this way both real and imagined. How other people have treated us growing up and as an adult, how many times we feel we've succeeded and how many times we feel we've failed, the messages we tell ourselves, etc. And it can be overwhelming and exhausting to think it's all our fault.

The good news is feeling more secure about yourself and your relationships is the one thing you have absolute control over. There are a few techniques that can help you replace your feelings of insecurity with the secure knowledge that you'll know what is your responsibilty and what isn't.

It sounds like you haven't asked you husband directly what's going on. I understand this can feel like a very scary conversation. And just imagine how it would be to ask him when you're feeling secure. That no matter what he said you won't feel deflated.

I'd really like to help you through these concerns. Please let me know if you'd like to learn how.

Coach Christine

@Coach Christine, and for women who want to be enlightened; Women are Notorious for leaving out major details and right now it seems like there is something wrong with the husband but I just want to throw some things out her as the Devils advocate. Clearly we have a great many women that use sex as a pond, right. Ok, so lets me set the stage here. If this woman was in "Separation Mode" and did a lot of manipulating, condescending and insulting things to a man (which typically happens)prior to separation, he can be still reeling from these things and assuming when they did have sex way back then whether she also did the women's manipulation to have sex on HER TERMS and timing like most married women do, or if they want something- then he should be hesitant to climax with her because based on past experience this is her M.O. (Modus Operandus) and he is still skeptical. Lets not be so Naive and Gullible to how most women operate when they are in that spirit of separation. What devilish stuff did she do to the guy? did he come home and the house was empty and she never asked for counseling or told him anything? Did she cut off all the utilities and took all the money out of the bank accounts while he was unsuspecting? How about this, prior to the Separation, was SEX always manipulated by her and on her TIMING/Mood while she declined him repeatedly and rejected him because she was in Separation Mode and spirit? I say all this to say Some women can be scandalous ,cruel, and when they felt they have been scorned,wronged, neglected,or don't get their way and for whatever reason can turn into someone you don't even recognize as the person you married. There is some underlying guilt of something that was done to him and physically his body is responding to her because of the distrust and the unresolved instances from the past. He may fear a argument if if bring things up and if she is STUCK IN HER WAYS like most women are she is not going to be open to any of his suggestions so he just waits to climax at a later time-alone. Our male Body goes into a Blue Funk due to we are thinking toooooooo much and we will not climax because we are in "Protective Mode." This happens if we are distrustful and have not properly healed. However, with other women, the one who hadn't betrayed our trust we climax and have a wonderful time. Do the Math. Things will be on his TERMS this time out until she can regain his trust so she may as well get used to it while he tries to figure out just who the hell she real is or what character she is playing