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Why aren't I sexual attracted to my husband?

Published on February 3, 2010 by gin

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for nearly 13 years. The first 3 years we were together he was all i ever wanted. Now I find it hard to even kiss him. I love him to death. So why am I not attracted to him anymore? It's been this way for years and I feel like I have tried everything! I am starting to think that maybe we shouldn't be together anymore. That this is my bodies way of saying "GET OUT!" But, we have 3 kids together. We also just bought a house. I am so confused! Can anyone offer advise?

ANSWERS

Relationships endure cycles, as does every other life endeavor. The relationship itself is always likely to lose some of its luster depending on how it started. If when you first meet someone the initial "it" factor is physical attraction, or sexual intensity, that will eventually reduce to a more moderate level. Anything you become accustom to over time becomes less intriguing, effective, or intense. It is, on a much different level, like the life of a drug addict. In the beginning, the littlest bit of a narcotic can have a massive effect. However, over time, you need more and more and more.

Some relationships dies after 6 hours, other 6 months, other 6 years, and some over 60 years. However at some point it will endure a high, and low, and a series of events in between. My question would be, if you were together for 13 years, married for only two, but after the first three years the "fire" began to go out, then what happened between years 3 and 13? Did the excitement really start to deteriorate after three years, or was it more recent? Did it start to die after the marriage? After you realized you were now committed for life? Did you start to feel trapped? There could be a psycho-emotional component to the current lack of attraction.

Lastly, the truth is, peoples bodies, interests, looks, sexual drive, and creativity die down over time. That's juts life. He's not going to be the same person physically, emotionally, or sexually that he was 13 years ago. Also, neither are you.

That being said, you have to be attracted to someone that you are in a relationship with. But, the reason why some people remain married 50, 60, or 70 years is because their love enables them to see the best of the person they are with, whether that was the man they met when they were 18, or the man they woke up next to when they were 50.

You can either attempt to "spice up" your sexual encounters in an attempt to stimulate yourselves physically and emotionally in a new way, or you could commit some time to really figuring out what is bothering you. The fact of the matter is, you may be facing a difficult truth, that the version of who you are today is no longer interested in what this man has to offer. If that is the case, then you need to weigh the benefits and risks of any decision you could make and then make the best one for you.

Being attracted to your husband now is not going to be as easy as it was before. You have to make yourself be attracted to him.

Do somethings like take a vacation with just him. Try to spice up your sex life. Ask him to help you in your quest to regain that spark. Can he start surprising you with flowers or gifts?

What do you like that he does? Ask him to do that more. Phrase everything positively. Don't say, "I'm not attracted to you." Tell him, "I love you and I want to recapture that feeling we used to have when we couldn't keep our hands off each other."

Every relationship faces these lulls. Even if you divorced your husband and found someone new you would face that trouble with the new guy too.

I don't think this is your body telling you to get out. But that fact that you do, makes me think that there is something more besides lack of attraction. You are looking for a way out. Why? What else is going on?

There are lots and lots of reasons you might not be attracted to him.

Are you depressed or anxious? Have you lost the desire to be with any man or just him? Do you need counseling?

Are you upset with him or angry at him about anything? Try to fix your problems.

Is your sex life in a rut? Do you need him to do something a little different? Figure out a way to talk to him.

Are you feeling like you've become friends/roommates? Spend time together without your kids being romantic. Do something out of the ordinairy.

Are you attracted to some other guy? Are feelings for someone else causing you to criticize your husband? Avoid the other guy and work on improving your marriage.

You should go to www.dr-robert.com which is the website of the famous online shrink, Dr. Robert. He has a lot to say about this. Or just go straight to his answer to a woman with the same question as yours. That link is http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/sex%20v.%20love.html

Another good one is http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/_obsessedwithex.html

I hope this helps you.

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