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Why am I holding on?

Published on May 14, 2013 by kay225

I can't seem to get over my ex, no matter what I do. I think about him everyday. I want what we had or better but only with him. I don't know what to do because I think he has moved on. I call him my ex because he was the first official adult relationship I had. Growing up in a culture and religion that did not allow or promote the practice of dating, my dating experience were very limited.

How we met- I met him when I was around 24 years old. It was by accident, I was being introduced to his friend by my friend but somehow we made a better connection. we hung out the rest of that night and exchanged numbers. Our first date was nice, he was a gentlemen. After several dates and movie nights, suddenly we were at 5 months of seeing each other. I didn't even realize until he pointed it out. I would cancel on my friends for him and he would do the same. He would cook for me, we would take walks, and even attempted to plan a vacation together. It made me nervous that we were already at 5 months, so I started freaking out. I knew we could never be, and plus this was just for fun I though. But I asked myself, what guy would be with me for 5 months without sex? May be there is more in this relationship. Feeling confused and immature about my feelings, I picked a fight and we broke up for about 2 weeks. Those 2 weeks hurt so much because I was so used to sleeping at his place, we cuddled every night and I would wake up to him kissing me. I loved how he would hold my hand, and his smile. off course we got back together.

Later that year, around 9 months of our relationship, I asked him how does he feel about me. His words, "I show you everyday how I feel." I didn't like the answer. I told him I like how things are between us and he agreed. We never really had conversation about what we meant to each other, we had conversation about everything else in life except for that and religion. Finally that night came , the night we tried to have our first intercourse, and unfortunately I was too scared and nervous although we attempted. Although he had plenty of experience but me being a virgin I was glad he was very delicate and VERY respectful. I am glad of all the possible guys, at least it was with him. The next morning I had to go to work and I had several calls from him, wondering how I was feeling and if I was ok. Although we talk sometimes on the phone, ever since that night, he called more often.

To shorten the story, another month later I realized I was getting attached. I was scared my feeling were getting stronger, so I did what I knew best, picked a fight. I was not sure how he really felt, I convinced myself, he had plenty of experience so may be he doesn't really care about me. I text him to delete my number and forget about me because I will do the same about him.

That was not enough for him. He kept calling, so we went to dinner. He had nothing to say. I had nothing to say. He pissed me off by asking me to pay for dinner. Now I do not mind paying for dinner, But it was the way he went about it, he said, " Since I have paid for most if not all of our dinners, may be you should pay tonight." I was really annoyed because we broke up and he called me for the dinner to talk, which he did not. At the end he offered me a ride, during the ride he kept getting a call from a woman, he told me don't worry I'm not seeing anyone, it is just the house cleaning lady. I didn't ask for clarification. I don't know if he did because I was busy texting on my phone. Out of now where, he asked if I wanted to come over to his place. I told him to drop me off at the bus stop and we said our good byes with no hugs.

Since then, he has called me several times, both within 2 months of our breakup and through the past 3 years that we have broken up. A year after our break up, he called me the night before my birthday at 12 midnight to wish me an early happy birthday and he said he wanted to ask me something, but I was out with friends and we never spoke again. I was shocked and confused, I don't remember what I said, but we never talked about it again, although he has called me since then. He finally stopped calling or trying reach out to me. So I though it was best I delete him and his friends from my Facebook.

I am full of regret because I want him back, it has been 3 years and I can't move on. I am not sure what to do. I tried going on dates, and it has not changed my feeling for him, just makes me want him more.

what can I do ? Should I try to move on? if so how? or do i need closure?