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What would you do

Published on July 20, 2014 by sixtus

First, thanks for the advice you provide on this blog. My girlfriend and I have been together for seven months, and she is in her late 20s, while I am in my early 30s. We’re a good match. I’m happier than I can ever remember being. We established a strong bond in the first few months we met, we have met each other’s parents (in fact, I am planing on our engagement and wedding in few months), and freely and sincerely express our love to one another. We talk about a future together. I believe this relationship could have a super future. My girlfriend is kind, loving, and devoted to me, and I see myself loving her more each day.

However, an issue has emerged. I am employed, and my job is paying well to the tune of $16000 per year in Nigeria. But, she has got no job, but a university graduate. Recently, her uncle in a distance state of about 7 hours by road suggested she come over in a bid to get a job after all efforts have been proved abortive to secure a job in our current location. But, to my dismay, she was the one countering the ideas of people suggesting her getting a job in other states all because she doesn't wanted to stay far from me when we newly met to be precised, in about first 3-4 months. But, now she's strongly advocating for it.

When she told me her decision to go, I objected but, she has made up her mind to go. I even told her the long distance might affect our nurturing relationship, I also told her it might bring an abrupt end to our relationship, reasons that it might be too early to start living alone once again if we eventually get married soon while living separately.

My question, Evan, is what would you do, and what should I do? I do have a great job in our current city, but she has none. She seems to be this type of person who likes to be seen, who likes to show and lives big. Establishing her here after our marriage is she is still unemployed has always been in my plans secretly. When in a relationship is it appropriate to choose a partner over a career move, and is that appropriate here? – Sixtus


As a university graduate, I can understand why she is wanting to find a suitable career for herself. As time has gone on, I understand that she would be getting more eager to begin her career and is finding she may need to move to another city in order to find that. I am not sure if I am reading parts of this incorrectly... you say you are planning an engagement AND wedding within a few months?? And "establishing her here after our marriage if she is still unemployed has always been in my plans secretly"? She is entitled to actually agree to an engagement and marriage. It sounds like you have it all figured out in your head without her actual consent. You assume she is going to say yes to marrying you. She hasn't yet. This is a university educated woman here. She has her own dreams and goals that may or may not align with yours. I don't think it's fair that you are placing an ultimatum on her to either marry you and stay, jobless, where she is, or you will leave. She has spent years of her life furthering her education and securing her future. Do not expect her to throw that away for the possibility of a new relationship. If she is truly your partner, and you want to spend your life with her, you will need to compromise and make sacrifices. I get the impression that you are not truly hearing her needs and wishes. Relationships need to be 50/50, not one partner imposing their plans on the other. Please communicate with your partner, and truly listen to what she has to say.