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what to do after 9yrs

Published on May 7, 2014 by gallis1

i am nervous and confused,been in my relationship for 9years and at the beginning of this year found i my girl cheated one time . I am sure i can get passed that but now that we are at 9years she is pushing for marriage where as in i am pushing to simply trust you and see if we can move frwd together. we took a break to clear our heads but i am considering walking away. there are also little things that i would like in a wife that i dont see. i know if i walk away it will damage her .your thoughts?


Walk away.

You did not mention love anywhere in your question. You mentioned 9 years, you mentioned 'being together', but never love. If you are not in love now, will you be after you get married? Can you imagine your life with a person with whom you are not in love?

Is there a reason you need to settle on a marriage with a person you are not madly in love with? Why?

It will not be easy to make a break. But it will be even harder to stay in a loveless relationship.

Marina Margulis, CMM, CPC, New York Socials,

well there is love involved with that person however there is some missing things such as i love to eat she doesnt love to cook such as she has issues of trust which she will not admit. Sometimes we are together and have little to say but then theres times we have great days when we go out or ignore certain concerns. her issue is that i have been a little distant from finding out in jan that she slept with someone. Friday we are suppose to get together to talk about staying together or breaking apart

I would definitely second everything that Marina says above, but I would also advise you to look at your own role in the relationship and everything that has transpired as well, if you are even considering continuing.

Men and women cheat for VERY different reasons. In general, men cheat for "different" and women cheat for "better".

In other words, men cheat simply to experience someone who is different than the person they are with. (I.e.: different body, etc.) Women cheat because they see something in the new person that is more desirable to them than the person they are currently with. Typically, this is/are masculine trait(s) that their current partner is missing.

Because men believe that women cheat for the same reason, typically they will more easily overlook cheating in their partner and stay with them, but when they do that they can fail to look at themselves and their own role in what is going on, and so nothing really changes. Evidence of that in your case is that all of your messages focus on what is missing for you in terms of how she is and doesn't match up to what you are ultimately looking for in a wife.

Right off the bat I would say that if she is pushing you for marriage, that immediately gives you an indication of where there are issues in her eyes as far as your own role in everything. It displays that she feels that she has to provide direction in the relationship because you aren't. Also, if the feminine partner in a relationship is pushing for marriage, and you go for it, then the foundation of your marriage will always be mired in doubt for her. Not a good thing.

Ultimately, my advice to you would be the same as Marina's. Walk away. But also look at your own role in everything that has transpired so that you don't make the same mistakes when you do find that woman who does match up to everything that you are looking for in a life partner.

Joel Sinclair -

I am leaning towards leaving the relationship which isnt easy because i feel like i can make this work but would i be pushing to make it work for her happiness more than mines, probably. over the 9yrs i have met one or two wonderful people who I never gave a chance because i was involved in this up and down relationship. I really want to take a chance to see if there is truly someone else indeed out there that can bring me the joy and happiness and qualities i really want. Really dont want to settle. or am i being selfish

Your problem is not about selfishness. I know that many of us want to believe that there is someone "out there" that has the magic to bring us joy and happiness. The problem with this is that joy and happiness then are separate from us and not under our control. The truth is that happiness is an inside job. Either we have it, because we have discovered it within us, and can then bring it into the relationship to share with our partner or we will be dependent on someone else for the rest of our life, blaming them when we are not happy.

Irregardless of whether you decide to stay or not, it would benefit you to do some soul searching and ask yourself the following: "Why am I expecting someone else to make me happy? Am I believing that I can only be happy if someone gives me what I want? "Am I assuming women are untrustworthy by default and I'm waiting for the right one to prove me wrong?" You were willing to wait 9 years to find out with this partner, but you could be waiting a lifetime if your believe this, since you would only be attracting what you believe. I hope this was helpful.