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what next after a long term emotional affair

Published on September 30, 2009 by puddlgirl

3 weeks ago my husband fell asleep with the laptop beside him and on. i got up early and picked up the computer to turn it off. when the screen lit up a profile for a woman on plenty of fish in the sea came up. that week i found out he had been having long term online relationships with women. he showed me his account on the dating site, in which he lied about being married and having children. he also let me see his emails after much fuss, say there was nothing on his emails(which was a lie) i found months worth of emails, even on where he talks about meeting up and going on a date with one of these women. in total he has been talking to over 30 women. we have only been together for 3 years and i am a busy student. i also suffer from poor self-esteem related to my weight and have struggled with postpartum depression. i had a previous relationship that ended because cheating, and i told him this when we first started dating, i made it clear that i could not handle another heart break and he promised. i have asked him all the questions i could think of, and he now knows how much he has hurt me. it has only been 3 weeks and he has one relapse, which he confessed about right away. he is now asking for more trust from me. i am completely consumed with searching the internet for more evidence and answers and it's putting me behind at school and making me ruining my life. we have singed up for counseling, but being we are low-income we have been placed on a wait-list for free counseling. i am not sure what to do next, i don't think i can talk to my family and friends without alienating my husband. he lied so much to cover what he had done, so many excuses to what it was. how do i forgive and move on. how do i get over what he did to these women. redraider1982 that was his screen name, he said he was looking for a relationship.

ANSWERS

In short, divorce him.

He already cheated by lieing to you and telling other women on a dating site that he was single. He was looking and talking about dating women for months on end. You give him another chance, tell him how much this hurts you and then he goes on to have another "relapse"

bottom line is I would leave that person because he cheated and betrayed your trust to the point where I highly doubt he could keep his word and stay away from these women. I also highly doubt that you will be able to ever trust him again, without trust there is no relationship.

I agree with Gauntlet and would add that the only thing that can come from this kind of situation is more pain. If you have a way to leave I would. Many men discount this kind of activity because they did not have sex. Thats if they did not have sex. But honestly, when a person lies so much, how do you know what's really true. Once the trust is gone from a marriage it is very hard to get back, often because the people who do these behaviors either have rationalized them, or are addicted to them. Either way, you can't really rebuild trust when your obesssed with the behavior that broke the trust. I would suggest marital counseling except I don't believe it gets to the core issues, family or origin issues that are often the root of these types of behaviors. If you see a pattern in the men you are choosing, then I would recommend counseling for you. Staying in these kinds of situations may be noble, but you end up lonely and neglected, which defeats the purpose of marriage, doesn't it?

Let him go. Look at what it's doing to you. You're tracking his internet activities, slacking in school, and pushing you deeper into depression. He's not worth it.

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