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What is going on in my marriage?

Published on October 24, 2013 by bugs01

I have been married for 22 years with 4 children.My husband has always been unkind. last October I lost my jog due to layoffs, my oldest son who is autistic was physically abusive , then a month later my husband became physically abusive too which resulted in a concussion and a false report which he filed to obtain a restraining order removing me from my home for 12 days. He attended court and dropped all charges but then when I came home he continued to be manipulative and verbally abusive until I told him that I had documented the injuries with my health care provider, prior to that he had repeatedly said that "it never happened". At some point we decided to work on our relationship which he seems to have embraced wholeheartedly. He went to some counselling sessions and decided that his 22 years of anger stemmed from the fact that I had dated a man once while we were separated with the intention of divorcing until I found that I was pregnant, at which time he was elated and wanted to have our son and reconcile, this was when the psychological abuse began and persisted until it became physical.Now he is dressing to impress, dyeing his hair and wants to try new and very risque things in the bedroom including partner swapping.He has begun repairing years of neglected household problems, and doesn't lose his temper nearly as often as he used to. BUT something does not feel right. does anyone have any insight?

ANSWERS

Well first thing is that I think that you 2 are still rebuilding and its great that your trying new things but if he was jealous of you dating when you were splitting up just think how he will be swapping that is for a couple that are strong in both love and trust not for couples working on repairing there love unless he is using it to look for someone new for himself

I would encourage you to listen to that inner voice, the one that is telling you something isn't right. It's admirable that he's making an effort to improve things but dying his hair and trying to get you to do new things in the bedroom are things he's doing for himself, not for you. The repairs around the home are nice but he doesn't seem to be repairing the things that matter... your trust in him, the communication between you, the years of hurtful things he's said and done. In our work with women at SAS, we almost always find that the inner voice is very wise one you should listen to.

Such a quick shift on his part is a little disconcerting. People usually don't change in this way without some serious motivation...even then it tends to be more gradual. I would try and find out what his motivation is without just coming right out and asking him. Also, partner swapping is a very bad idea...I've never seen this work out for the better. I'm glad he's gone to counseling, but it sounds like some continued counseling and marriage counseling with a different therapist would be of benefit.

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