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What if your soon to be mother in law is so intense she makes you want to run away and never look back?

Published on April 27, 2009 by mary1

I love my soon to be mother in law, but i feel like i am not good enough. Me and my Fiance keep putting off getting married for a while now.... and the more we put it off the tougher it is to follow thru. We love each other so much! We have a beautiful daughter and we are happy (typical relationship problems though). However it seems like the one thing that really really comes between us, is his mom. This woman has helped us out so much financially that every negative thing is covered up by, "just forget about it, c'mon look how much she has helped us out.." However, when it comes to be undermined as a mother constantly and decisions i make as a mother always being questioned.. it hard to use an excuse for that.. Also it seems like every monumental moment me and my fiance have experienced such as getting engaged, buying a house, having a baby, being in debt... his mother is always there, and i mean right there! Not like watching from a distance (like my parents do), not even front row seats right there... i mean if there was such a thing as joint co starring in a movie.. it would be her and me. I love my fiance he is everything to me.. and i think sometimes he doesnt believe me, because we sit on such opposite sides on this subject. I dont want to take him away from the close bond he has with his mom, but i do want us to just be us. And if its always gonna be a three's company.. then i at least wanna know how to except everything for what it is, and deal with my end of the problems on my own.. and to have a closer relationship with his mother and him... because they are my family.. way better then the one i was born into.!! So i would take any and all advice on this subject, so i can get past all of my negative feelings.

ANSWERS

Whew... This is tough! You might need some professional counseling on this issue - someone to mediate and see each other's views and help find a solution that you can both be happy with.

But here is the thing... Why IS she helping you out financially? If she gives out of love, than there should be no strings attached on her part. Is your fiance not able to provide enough of what you need, in other words - is his mother making up for his short-comings? Is your fiance too dependent on his mother for finances? Because that is a problem.

You seem to have a great spirit and a kind heart with good intentions. The most important thing is that YOU feel good about yourself and what you do as a MOM - confident in your own day-to-day decisions. Try NOT to let it bother you, if she "undermines" you. Maybe your fiance's mom is just looking for a reaction from you - to press your buttons, and if you don't react - just go about your business quietly, eventually she'll get the message that the game is over. There is so much power in saying less and doing more. When you say less and not react or get upset - you actually take away her power. Fake it , if you have too and then scream into a pillow, but she may back off.

I watched my Mom go through this with her MIL - although there were no finances involved. Eventually my Grandma just gave up trying to get a rise out of my Mom.

Boys and their mothers, eh? It's tough. You will never break the bond between them. But if you are quiet and confident -eventually they will battle it out between themselves.

It's all maturity... Hang in there! ~ Dana

I have a similar situation but without the MIL and the finance but with the SIL instead. It is very hard, and I would greatly appreciate it if you could keep us posted on how things are going. I'm struggling too, and need the support of knowing someone else has the same problem.

Thanks

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