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What does it mean when a guy can't decide if he wants to be in a relationship with you or not?

Published on June 5, 2010 by vbdoll12

About nine months ago, I started hanging out with this one guy a lot. We had class together four days of the week, and we played on an intramural volleyball team together. But this wasn't he only time I would see him. We would get done with class at the same time, and he would ask me if I wanted to walk or ride the bus home with him. This would lead to him either hanging out at my place and doing homework or me heading to his place to do the same. We even stared spending most of the weekend together too. If I didn't see him during the day, he would either stop by my place at night or he would call to check in. I never thought in a million years that I would have this head-over-heals feeling, but for the first time in my life, I know what people are getting at when the say they have this feeling. It was going so smoothly; I couldn't believe it.

One night after we got done watching a movie, things got a little physical, and I was a little hesitant because we didn't haven't said anything to each other about where things were going. So, I stopped things before they got to far. I told him I wasn't comfortable doing things if we weren't in a some type of relationship. He told me he understood, but got quiet for a while. Then he told me that maybe we should slow down and make sure our feelings are in the right place. At this point, I took it has a slap in the face and was hurt by it. What made things even more confusing was he called me the next day to see how I was doing, and we continued with our plans together that day like nothing happened.

Before we were leaving for Christmas break, he wanted to talk about that one night. He wanted to know where I stood on having sex. I told him that I wouldn't even think about having sex if I wasn't in a committed relationship. He told me that he thinks that intimacy grows with the relationship, which I agree. So, we went our separate was over Christmas break, and I heard from him every single day. I got phone calls, txts, e-mails, and chatted online with him. Over the break I helped move my friend half way across the country and we stopped and stayed at his families house. I was treated like his girlfriend (even though him and I have never used that term for each other). After our stay there, he came with my friend and I to where she was moving to. We spent a week there sightseeing.

While at my friends every night around 1 in the morning, he wanted to talk. He started off with he feels differently about me than he has felt for the other girls he has dated. He told me that he has been thinking about me a lot, and he can't think of one thing that is wrong with me. However, he wasn't sure if we would be better off friends. This whole time I am trying to understand why what is going on with him. I don't want to pressure him into a relationship even though that is where I want us to go. We finish off with our time out with my friend.

When we get back to school, I asked him what we were going to do about us. And he said, I think we should just be friends. I was really upset. I told him it might talk me a while to adjust back to that, and I was just going to need time. I made him tear up. Five minutes after I left his place he called me to apologize for everything, and he told me he just isn't sure what to do about us. The next day, he acted like nothing was different. He still did special things for me for example I was having problems with my back at the time, and he saw a book on how to beat back pain and he bought it for me.

Then one night a group from school was going to go out to eat. However, we ended up going out to eat by ourselves then back to his place to watch a movie. And then it happened. He wanted to cuddle and what not again. And I asked what is going on? He say, I really want to see where this is going. We talked about the intimacy thing again. I don't think I was clear the first time. I don't want to get physical with a guy if it isn't going to go anywhere or have potential to go some where.

So we are good for 3 weeks or so and then he gives me this friend line again. All he tells me is that he feels like something is missing. Then a few weeks latter he is back wanting to see where it is going to go. I am struggling so much with this because before him I didn't think I would ever find someone like him. He really is everything I have been looking for, and I don't understand why he is hot and cold.

Just recently we had the talk again about him wanting to see what is going to happen between the too of us. We have this talk a little ove a week before he left for China for six weeks. So, now he has been there, and he has been in touch. I hear from him at least three times a week, but sometimes that is multiple e-mails in a day. He has called me too. I miss him like crazy, and I think about him very day. I want this to work out. I haven't had these feelings for anyone before. A couple of my friends think I am crazy for putting up with this, and I can't say they are wrong. I want consistency in my relationship with him. I wish there was something I could say or do to make him choose one why or the other and stick with it. I just need some clarity.


It seems to me that he has decided. He wants to be "friends with benefits". You're looking for something more. It doesn't appear that it will really happen with this guy though. He's been playing this game, stringing you along for quite some time. He'll keep doing it as long as you allow it.

If you want a serious relationship, then that's why you should pursue. Clearly with someone else. It won't matter how man "talks" you have with him, this is who he is and he's made it clear by his actions, what he wants. What you want it something different.

The sooner you can emotionally separate yourself from him, the more you'll be able to open yourself up for something real and commited, like you truly want. Dont' settle for anything less. Take a stand on your behalf! You deserve it!

I have a question to Rose's respose. I would buy into the "friends with benifits" idea, but if by benifits you mean sex, I havent given him any benifits. I have kissed him and made out with him but I haven't allowed things to go past that because I am confused on where we stand most of the time. If he wants that kind of relationship, why does he keep coming back to me?

Rose is right when she said he only wants a 'friend with benefits' relationship.

I had a similar situation. When my current bf decided to go missing for 3 months without any contact, I assumed that my relationship was over so when the bf's best friend from high school contacted me after the 2nd month, I agreed to hang out with him. We went to eat and watched movies a couple of times but nothing happened because at the time, I wanted closure from the bf first. So after the 6th month, the bf and I decided to work things out so I stopped contact with the "friend". This was 5 years ago.

Fast forward to 2009 and he finds me on Facebook. He added me and we hung out together. We even spent the whole night together just watching movies on the couch. We started making out but I stopped him from going further since kept on saying he didn't want a gf after his last ex. But he kept on wanting sex but he didn't do anything about it since I had already said no. So I confronted him and asked him if he thinks we're in a committed relationship because that was the only way that I would have sex with him. He kept on saying he wasn't ready for a relationship but he wanted to see where it headed...he said that he wanted sex first and then decide if we're together. Like you, I refused. In the end, we just stopped hanging out and talking because I wanted a committed relationship and he didn't.

Where do you and him stand? Right now, all he is thinking is how to get you to have sex with him. He'll use the excuse of wanting to see "where it leads to" to avoid your relationship status talk.

Why does he keep on coming back to you? Reason is, he knows you're available and you like him. He keeps giving you mixed signals to put you on the back burner in case other girls reject him. He knows that he has a back-up to go to whenever he needs it.

I'm not saying that he will or will not change his mind about the relationship status. If you're ok with waiting, then go for it, however long it would take him to make up his mind. However, since I'm stubborn, I refuse to be a guy's back-up plan. People on here could tell you to move onto a guy who's ready for a committed relationship and is worth your time, but at the end of the day, only you can decide if you want to stick around or not. Just remember, if you do stick around and he doesn't change his mind, you might end up feeling miserable.

Sorry for the long answer. I know how it feels to fall for a guy who isn't ready for commitment.