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What do you say if your fiance wants to break up and your not ready?

Published on May 3, 2009 by help wanted

Hello... well, my fiance has been drinking a lot of wine lately, so much wine that its getting to the point where he gets depressed about everything around him and starts taking out those feelings on me. When he gets in these moods after drinking he really hurts my feelings by telling me that I would not make a good wife and he says that he can't believe that he even wants to marry me because he says that I act too much like his family because I ask him to stop drinking. I believe we can still work and that we will have a great marriage if he stops drinking but everytime I tell him that he gets mad and says that I am nagging or being unreasonable. He has stopped drinking for me before about a year ago when I had first asked him to stop drinking he stopped for the whole year until recently. He is to the point where he is drinking one gallon of wine a day (not exagerating). His body can't handle it and I hate to see him sick. Please does anyone have any advice on what I should do? I really love him and I would like to marry him but I cannot figure out what to do to stop getting him so depressed. I want to see him happy again like he was the first time we met but it is so hard to see how to be happy again. I would love suggestions from everyone.

ANSWERS

Dear Help Wanted: I married my guy - not realizing just how much he DID drink. His family was in denial of it, and when I went to them for assistance was essentially told, "not to worry about it". Well, unfortunately there was plenty to "worry" about. He died. And when his family said to me, "oh, if only we'd known" I wanted to explode. What you're dealing with is an alcoholic. And it's not a fun job. I know you love this guy, and you always will - but the "fight" is going to continue until HE decides that 'enough is enough'. You need to distance yourself from this and let him see what HIS issues are and why it is that he is choosing to self-medicate himself as much as he is.

There's also something inside of you that is insisting on continuing to fight for the relationship - perhaps a need to 'fix' him. HE is the only one that can fix himself. Sorry, would hate to see you end up widowed. It's not fun.

Check out an al-anon meeting to learn more about people with alcoholism. Maybe you could have a good relationship if he stopped drinking, but he isn't interested in stopping.

In my opinion, you should be glad you found out now before you're married. Think about what it would be like if you have kids and he is drinking like this. Take care of yourself and any kids you want to have someday.

I think your only option, although it will be hard, is to walk away and allow him time to see what he's doing to himself. Only he cant sort himself out. If its meants for you it wont pass you by. Good Luck!

I hate to say it, but this isn't going anywhere good. When I found out my live-in boyfriend of three years was binge drinking behind my back, I kicked him out and moved to a new city. I told him that it was his responsibility to get himself together, but that I wasn't going to take responsibility for him. He did, and two and a half years later we got engaged. He's been sober ever since, figured out his career, etc. Every alcoholic has to hit rock-bottom. For my fiance, being kicked out of our apartment was it. We'll never keep alcohol around (why tempt fate), but I trust that he's not going back down that road. It may not work out this way for you--but do you want to marry him if he keeps this up?

I am a recovering alcoholic. There is nothing you can do to help him. But, there is something you can do to help both of you. Go to alanon. It will teach you how to deal with your feelings about living/being with an alcoholic. His addiction is alcohol. Your addiction is him. There is a wonderful book that will help you with the feelings that you have, and you will feel better immediately. It is called "Codependent No More". Much luck to you both.

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