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What to do with a controlling mother in-law?

Published on April 27, 2009 by firewings13

Have a mother in-law that do not know how to let go of her adult kids. She's a busy body and no matter how bad her kids screw up, she backs them up 100 percent, even when it effects her kids relationships. I know parents sticks up for their kids, but I was raised right is right and wrong is wrong, and every action there is a reaction. Her daughter (31 years old) Her brother is 28 years old, his life consists of being on the computer playing games and not doing a single thing around the house. When he was younger just before a teenager, he was in a coma and since then the in-law claims he is handicap because of his asthma. The mother in-law only want her grandkid around when grandkid is having a good day. She try to keep track of what goes on in our home, then put her two cents in and try to tell us what to do and not do when she do not even know what's really going on, and have no problem with telling her kids to brake up with whomever, and they'll listen. She pay their bills if they get into a bind. The only time she stays out of my business is when every so often I royally tells her off, she even dis-own and re-own her kids. But what makes it even worse, we live next door and cannot afford to move even if we wanted too, and I doubt we ever will while she is alive because of the influence on her kids. So any solution? It's like having a double relationship, accept for one I do not sleep with.

ANSWERS

You can't control how his mother relates to her children.

Your husband CAN and should have a say on how his mother relates to him and his family however. Where is your husband in all of this? Is he his momma's little boy, or a mature married man? Does you husband mind all the intrusions as much as you do? The two of you need to sit down and have an indepth conversation about this situation and how to handle it, or it will continue to be a stressor in your marriage. You both deserve better. Best of luck.

You need to stop worrying about your husband's family. Except for how your MIL treats you, their actions are out of your control. In regard to how your MIL treats you, sounds like you need to create some boundaries. Sit down with your husband, talk about the problem and come up with some solutions. Those solutions may include limiting time with the MIL.

This is a lifestyle problem and not just your situation...it is a whole society brought up of the latch key kid-divorced single parent-Hippie, Punk, Anti social, or Madonna generation of parents who over compensated.

"no matter how bad her kids screw up, she backs them up 100 percent" I call this the "Not my child syndrome", you know where the child is from the parents loins, or the parent over compensates for being a single parent, so their child is perfect so they don't have to be held accountable.....this just causes irresponsible people because they know they won't be held responsible nor accountable. Then the kid/adult doesn't understand when the rest of the world holds them accountable for their actions....it is everyone else's fault...bad parenting.

"Try to keep track of what goes on in our home, then put her two cents in and try to tell us what to do and not do when she do not even know what's really going on...." "She pay their bills if they get into a bind."

Again, Mom does not allow the kids to take responsibility for their own actions and is used to picking up the pieces and fixing or covering up for their mistakes. Her 2 cents is the product of taking up for her kids for so long and the kids are comfortable with not cutting the proverbial apron strings. Everyone else, including spouses, is outside of the protective circle. They always have their back covered and the kids know it....why be responsible or for that matter even try being a responsible adult? Mommy will take care of it and they don't have to.

"we live next door and cannot afford to move even if we wanted too, and I doubt we ever will while she is alive because of the influence on her kids." This is a codependency problem on both their, kids and parent, part; and most situations I have seen like this, they really can not exists without one another. Either get with the program and be admitted into the circle by becoming the over protective-do everything for- not my husband-he is perfect-accept he will always be a child-program; or go independent-work hard-expect to pay the bills-raise the kids as independent as possible-lead by example what a responsible adult is, and always be outside their protective circle. Expect a lot of arguments, but stick to your guns! At this point it boils down to your kids and what type of adults you want them to become. Unless you get your family away from the problem your husband won't see the problem, because in their eyes there is no problem...except you. Just the way it is. Note if you join the circle, you will be raising the next generation of "Not My Child" populace.

Simple move but that is not a option so all you can do is grow a bond have dinner together, sip some champagne and have a real sit down about how all of you feel if you cant arrange that he is not a man cause he not in control.

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