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What to do about a younger guy? Need opinions

Published on February 21, 2011 by fesser

So I met a guy that is 12 years younger than me. He is very sweet, honest, and seems genuinely interested in starting a relationship with me. We are at this point just friends. He has met my 10 & 11 year olds and thinks that they are great(most men run the other way), and the kids seem to really like him. However, he has just had his first child and is going to be filing for custody as he is no longer with the mother. I know how hard it is to be a new parent, and a single parent, not mention going to court over custody issues. I am having health issues, I don't do well with casual relationships, and I also know that I don't ever want to get pregnant again. He is 20 and I think that it would be too young for him to decide that he doesn't want more kids especially if he doesn't win custody. If he gets custody he will need to spend time focusing on how to be a single parent. I am trying to decide how to handle this because I really like him. He is the first guy in years to seem interested in me for reasons other than just sex. But I don't want to be unfair and start a relationship that would have no future. As of right now I am think about putting the idea of dating on hold for a year until things settle for both of us, and just being friends in the meantime. I just don't know if I should go to all the effort in the first place.

ANSWERS

Hi Fesser,

Why the rush to decide where this is going and why do you need to decide for both of you what is best? Why not be friends and continue to have what you have, share what you share, and see where it goes? If he (or you) decide at some point in the growing of this relationship that it does not work, so be it. Give it a chance and let him know of your fears – do not tell him what he should fear – and see where it goes.

Keep us posted so we can help!

Its just that he seems to be really interested in more of a relationship now, and I don't want to hurt him or lead him on. And neither of us is in a position to go that direction, but he keeps wanting to nudge things in that direction. I like him he's sweet, and thoughtful, but very inexperienced and a little unfocused. I am a single mom of two boys with behavioral problems so I have to think about my kids too. But he likes the kids which is a first, but its hard to tell if its just because he's so much younger(I'm used to dating guys older than me).

I'm just so frustrated because I want someone to share my life with, and I just don't want things to get so far that he feels like its a mistake and winds up resenting me/the kids. We work together too and he has a tendency to blurt out what he's thinking without stopping to think if he should say it. Which is nice in someways because I know he's being honest, but might be a bad thing if he blurts out something like, "wow you look beautiful," in front of our boss. I just need for there not to be complications in my life right now, and I don't want to send him packing, but sometimes I get the feeling he cares way too much for just a friend.

Take a deep breath and focus on your relationship as a parent to your two children. Often a man, especially a single father, looks for a mother-figure for their child. Blending families at this point comes with a lot of baggage. He has legal issues to deal with and needs to clean up his house before he can be in a relationship with someone. Regardless of his age, he has a full plate right now. There will be other men who will be happy to meet your wonderful children. You've attracted one guy, there will be many others around the corner. Stay optimistic. Julie Spira

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