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What can I do to keep my marriage from falling apart?

Published on November 1, 2012 by casie

My husband and I have been together for almost 2 years. We have been married for 5 months today. But I can honestly say I am not happy. I feel bored in our relationship. Our sex life is awful and we fight over every little thing. And I am the one yelling at him. He doesn't do anything he's supposed to do unless he's told (some times repeatedly). And it still doesn't get done. I'm just tired of living with a child. Most of the time. he's so caring and loving, it's so hard to tell that he is the guy I've been yelling at do clean up after himselft, to brush his teeth, etc. I don't want to divorce but I think a little break from being married and together all the time will help somewhat. Any suggestions???

ANSWERS

We suggest that you own up to your role in this dynamic that's developed between you and your husband. From what you write, it sounds like there are things that he does, but it also sounds like there are habits you have that might be contributing to the disconnection and unhappiness.

It is always helpful to ask yourself if it is wise to stay in a relationship AND if you do decide to stay, then it's vital for you to be honest with yourself about what you do that drives you partner away.

Take ownership for your negative expectations and disrespect of him and, when you can do so with out yelling, create some agreements with him about house work.

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto

You've got trouble, sister - and a lot of it's your own attitude. By way of illustration, I'm going to quote your own words back to you and insert < > what I think your husband's likely interpretation of them would be.

"But I can honestly say I am not happy [HTML_REMOVED]. I feel bored in our relationship [HTML_REMOVED]. Our sex life is awful [HTML_REMOVED] and we fight over every little thing [HTML_REMOVED]. And I am the one yelling at him [HTML_REMOVED]. He doesn't do anything [HTML_REMOVED] he's supposed to do unless he's told [HTML_REMOVED] (some times repeatedly [HTML_REMOVED]). And it still doesn't get done [HTML_REMOVED]. I'm just tired of living with a child [HTML_REMOVED]. Most of the time. he's so caring and loving [HTML_REMOVED], it's so hard to tell that he is the guy I've been yelling at do clean up after himself, to brush his teeth, etc [HTML_REMOVED]. I don't want to divorce [HTML_REMOVED] but I think a little [HTML_REMOVED] break from being married and together all the time will help somewhat [HTML_REMOVED]."

Do you see, now, how things may look through HIS eyes?

I've got a lot more I can write. The spam filter hates me and may not let me post it, but I will try to post the rest of my take very soon.

There's so much I can write to. This past December, I fould out he was doing pot and lying to me about everything in his past and everything else. This March, I felt so unsafe with him. He yelled at me, threw my cell phone, and basically said that I would never leave him.

Crap - the website filter strikes again! It stripped out all the comments (what I figured your husband's likely interpretation would be) that I added to your original posting!

Oh well - your latest information tosses that all out the window anyway. My comments pertain to what a NORMAL man would be thinking and feeling - not one who is stoned or otherwise unstable. His behavior would be consistant both with some types of drug abuse and varieties mental illness.

From what you originally posted, I thought you were wussing out and calling it quits five months into a marriage as soon as it got a little tough, the glow faded, and you found out Prince Charming's a real man with imperfections after all (I was ready to give you SUCH a scolding!). This latest information completely changes things. If he's doing drugs, becoming violent, and threatening you, it's time to leave.

I have to ask, though - if you found out about the drug use and the widespread lying in December, and you felt unsafe in March because he became violent and threatened you, why in the world did you go ahead and marry him on June 1?

My advice to you at that time would have been to drop him like a hot rock and find someone else who wasn't damaged goods. That may be a very cold outlook, but drug abuse and/or mental illness are often difficult (sometimes impossible) to overcome, and are always very trying on loved ones. Why tie yourself to that if you don't have to? It's one thing if it develops after marriage, but if he's already got these problems, find somebody else without the baggage. Put it this way, if you were going to buy a new car, would you buy the one that looks pristine and test drives like a dream, or pay the same significant amount of money for one with a smoking exhaust system and a big stain on the front seat? It MAY clean up and fix up to be a good car, but why risk it when you can get one that's factory fresh?

I can't tell you whether or not to divorce your lemon, but if you decide to stay with your husband, make make it absolutely conditional upon him quitting drugs and joining a support group (At the same time, you should check in with one of the support groups for loved ones of drug abusers.) Also get him to a mental health professional for an evaluation. If he is found to need treatment, make taking his meds, going to therapy (whatever) additional absolutes to your staying. If he balks or cheats (I wouldn't be above making him take periodic drug tests) at any of this, throw him out.

If he does anything threatening or violent, leave - no more second chances. In anticipation of that, speak with a women's center and a lawyer, so you can set things in motion in an instant - if you think he's a danger to you, you need the benefit of people with experience at domestic violence.

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