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We've been together for almost 8 years, why hasn't he married me yet?

Published on May 20, 2009 by alyssab

What is wrong with me??!!! We've discussed it at length, he's divorced and I've never been married but I have a child from a previous and he has two. He says that he didn't realize how important it was to me-duh! Anyways, we do love each other and we've lived together for almost the full 8 years. I'm not gettin any younger (38) and he isn't either (48). I don't want to give an ultimatum because then it would seem so forced. What do you all think? Thank you so much!

ANSWERS

Something that's obvious to you may not be so obvious to him. He probably thinks if you are happy, why change? Sit him down and tell him (again) how important marriage is to you. Not only emotionally but also outline the legal rights and protections you get from marriage. For example, if something happens to either of you, what happens to the children? If you're not married there could be legal trouble, no matter if you have a will or not. When you are done making your case say, "I will be waiting for you to make the next move."

There, you've clearly outlined your expectations. But also, it's important for you to ask yourself, what is more important this guy or marriage? Would you really leave him if he doesn't marry you? I suspect not. Don't give ultimatums you aren't going to keep. Also, check the laws in your state. For many states, if you've been living together for 10 years, you have a common law marriage. So, if you have a common law marriage you're already married! You just need to throw the party :)

Well, ask Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell, or Timothy Robbins & Susan Sarandon!? If it ain't broke why fix it?! Some say that piece of paper can change things, others it's THE most important things for which Lyz commented on already & one needs to think about as well. I don;t think I can improve much on the answer already given! Who knows?! Give it time, now that he knows it IS important to you, he just may ask down the road?! & if your state DOES recognize commonlaw marriage, I am sure a lawyer can work something out for you should the "in case" thing happens & make sure all are taken care of! =)

No ultimatums. Just dump him! He's using you as an unpaid live-in whore and you're falling for it.(Yes, I said UNPAID LIVE IN WHORE. )He's getting in-house p***y from you with no commitment, no strings, for FREE! He has no real comitment to you. He doesn't "love" you. If he did then he would have proven it by now. If it is "just a piece of paper" why is it so hard for him to go and get one with you?

The first and most important thing: don't take it personally. This isn't about something wrong with you. But thinking it is about you will only create further negative feelings (self-doubt, anger, depression, resentment etc etc) and disempower you. When we get into this position of feeling unwanted, we lose our sense of our own value and worth and begin to complain, whine, blame. Don't go there!!

If, instead, you can be confident in knowing that you are a smart, attractive woman with many wonderful qualities, then you can have a positive basis from which to understand what's really going on.

You don't mention the reasons he doesn't want to marry. These are very important for you to really hear with an open mind so that you understand. This is NOT about you, it's about him, so go into the conversation as a smart, beautiful woman and keep the tone clear but light-hearted in asking you're curious as to why he doesn't want to marry. He must have some pretty big reasons and if he really is the love of your life, you want to understand him.

After (and while) hearing him, don't counter his reasons, his arguments. This is not the time for discussion, just a time to really hear him from a calm and open space within you. Then thank him for sharing his thoughts and feelings and really take a few days to digest what he has shared with you.

For any dialogue after that, remember: attacking or demanding or criticising or blaming is not going to help you. Enter the discussions with the absolute commitment to communicate honestly but with a sense of mutual appreciation. All discussions on such a big issue must draw you both to deeper understanding of each other. This is the only way that the road forward can emerge.

I recommend you read Barbara de Angelis's books. I think you will find them very helpful at this time.

I wish you all the happiness in the world!

FIRST OF ULTIMATUMS DO NOT WORK I KNOW. HONEY DUMP THIS MAN QUICK FAST AND IN A HURRY! IF HE WANTED TO GET MARRIED YOU WOULD BE MARRIED BY NOW! STOP WASTING YOUR TIME ON THIS BUM!

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