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We are having different views on whats appropriate or not.

Published on October 31, 2012 by hazelm

I am having some issues in my relationship, and I don’t know if its due to boundaries issues or me being old school. I grew up with a lot of guys, I get along with guys better than girls, but I have female friends as well, which means I have nothing against opposite sex friendship. I am 22 and my boyfriend is 25 years old. We are in long distance right now due to school; we have been together for a two years.
The issue I have with him is about his female friends, I don’t mind him having female friends, I don’t mind him hanging out with them, but I mind seeing pictures of girls on his lap on Facebook, or pretending to be a couple and posing for the camera in a very intimate way, or 3 different girls having him as his profile pictures because he is their best friend and not just any type of picture, they put the kind of picture if you look at them you would assume it’s a couple.

The worse for me is when his female friends text him about sex, so for example one girl texted him and said that " she wants somebody to go deep inside her and pound her v***** really hard", honestly I would never send any of my guy friends that kind of text, and yet I have plenty of guy friends, and I never take pictures that look very intimate with my guy friends, because not only I will be disrespectful to my boyfriend, but what kind of person would I be projecting?

My boyfriend thinks all those actions are normal because they are just friends, but i tell him that i find that totally disrespectful to our relationship, because some lines shouldn’t be crossed, and those girls are too confortable with him.  I feel as if by keep telling him that what those girls are doing is inappropriate, he will end up resenting me and think that I am controlling him, and I am not a controlling person, I really let him have his personal space. We talked about the pictures, at first he didn't understand but then he agreed to not take those of pictures in the future but now we have sexual messages being sent between them. I don’t know what to do
I am exaggerating; do other people do this as well? Is it a normal behavior? I am trying to determine if maybe I am not the problem here.
Thank you


You are not at all out of line. Tell your boyfriend that he either starts maintaining some appropriate boundaries, or you're going to establish one separating him from you (for good!)

You aren't exaggerating. It IS inappropriate. If this makes you uncomfortable and he hasn't done anything about it, you may need break up. The point of dating is to find someone that is compatible with you in the areas that matter (like what is and what isn't appropriate behavior in a relationship). At any rate, "normal" is all perspective. As you said, it is normal to him because that is what he is used to. It is not normal to you because you don't behave that way.

What he's doing and allowing is inappropriate. If you want the relationship you must express how these photos and texts make you feel: "I feel used, cheap, unimportant, taken advantage of, devalued, etc." Then you will see if he changes.

Once a person decides that your feelings don't count, the relationship is dead.

Love can exist only where there is trust. The definition of love is to put someone's interests ahead of yours. He either doesn't know or doesn't care what you feel and therefore doesn't truly love you. He might love sex with you, but he doesn't love and value your soul.

His actions are self-centered and not normal for a loving person, and it will not stop. I'm really sorry. His behavior is killing the love you have for him. I would sit down with him and explain this calmly. If he resents you, you have learned a valuable lesson: You may have to walk away. Narcissists are mentally ill people and you cannot fix them.

Good luck in the future. You are 22 and you shouldn't waste the next 50 years of your life with a man who doesn't love you. Find a man who cares about you all the time, not just when he is lonely or wants sex.

  Thank you very much for your input.

Thats exactly what i always tell him,that i feel disrespected when i see pics on facebook that are inappropriate. The pics issue we had it 4 times before he decided that in the future he won't take them but he still thinks the pics are really appropriate in his opinion.

I asked him,why is it that we never had those issues before and also when we were just friends i never saw pics of him on facebook that looked compromising, and he responded that actually it used to be worse, that before we started dating,his female friends would send him naked pictures of themselves. I don't know how that is suppose to make me feel better but thats what he told me. I told him to ask people around him and give them scenarios without saying its about us, and his feedback was that everyone said that the girlfriend was jealous,that there is nothing inappropriate in what h does.

I will talk to him about this tomorrow,and of he takes it the wrong way,rather than a constructive conversation,i will know where i stand and i will just let him go.

Thank you again for responding

   Thank you for understanding. I never really understand how come those things are normal in his eyes, i mean when we are committed to someone,our behaviours change naturally, and we do think about the other person and what would hurt them, but for him thats not how it is. Several times,i told him that its like he doesn't have the awareness he should have. Somethings are common sense, but again like you said "normal" is perspective.

I will talk to him,and from there i will know what to do. And its his responsibility to make sure people respect us not his friends', we teach people how to treat us. My male friends will never do anything his friends do, because they know my boundaries and respect them.

Thank you for helping