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Was my 'friend with benefits' screwing my head too?

Published on February 1, 2012 by afool

I am broken-hearted and could not understand the logical development of this FWB relationship.

I met this man 4 years ago, he had a lived in girlfriend and I just broke up with mmy ex. We were attracted to each other instantly when we saw each other and started flirting for a bit before we went for a date. We slept after our second date, he did tell me that he had a girlfriend and he would not fall in love with me, I accepted it as I was still in pain from the break-up. We met up about once a month, no discussion on personal life, just pure physical relation.This lasted for about a year before I moved to another country. Six months passed, he contacted me and invited me to go see him. I went only after several invites. To my surprise, he told me that he thought of me a lot, missed me a lot during the passed months, and he didn't know that he loved me until I left. He asked me if he was just a tool to me, and wanted me to tell him that I loved him. I did say that I love him as that was how I felt at that point. We had a great time, I went back to the country where I worked, but we maintained close contacts and he was telling me how much and what he loved about me. We tried arranging meetings, usually involved me flying to where he was. It didn't work out due to schedules of both. Another half a year passed, he moved to another country to work but he invited me over but i began to receive lesser and lesser texts from him. Finally, I had the chance to go see him six months later, which means there was an interval of one year we didn't meet, he was excited and arranged the meeting.

First day I arrived, he came to see me at the hotel at noon, we were happy to see each other and were intimate. He didn't come that night as he said he had to finsh up work before we leave for the weekend to another town. He texted me to tell me he loved me and that he was mine. The next day, he came over to see me at noon, we were intimate and he told me he loved everything about me and that I was perfect. He could see why men who went out with me were stuck on me, just like him, he is stuck on me. He said he would love to have a baby girl who ressembles me with me. I could move in with him, be husband and wife, and he would take care of us. He said with a baby, I would never leave. That night we left to our resort for the weekend, we had fun chatting and catching-up. I dozed off for a while due to time difference but was awken by a phone ringing, I saw the name of a caller, it was a lady. He got all nervous and cancelled. But when we arrived at the destination, he made a call immediately. Then at the restaurant, when I excused myself to go to the restroom, he stepped out to make a call again. When he returned, he said it was his daughter, and he mumbled a name which was identical to the name of the caller. Throughout the night, his phone was ringing non-stop, and the next morning, he listened to his message and I could hear an angry lady over the end. The rest of the afternoon was awkard, his mind was somewhere and was constantly on textes. That evening, I asked him what time we were going back to town, he told me we would leave at noon and he would send me to the hotel he has reserved for me. I asked if he was not going to stay with me that night. He said he had a personal obligation and had to leave but he would come see me on Mondy before I fly off in the evening. I was pissed off and told him that I was there to see him and if he was unavailable, he could have said no to my visit. He said he wanted to see me and that I had bought the ticket. He was insistent about leaving for his personal obliagtion, I changed my flight to leave a day earlier. And I told him that he took me for a fool and I will never see him ever. I was very upset and broke down. That evening, over diner, his face was quite flushed and eyes were teary. The next day, he sent me to the airport and asked if I would take him around if he come visit me. I didn't answer. at departure, I gave him a hug, he kissed me on the forehead and lips, looking sad. He texted me the next day to apologise and said was sad to have hurt me. He told me I was precious and noble. I asked if he loved me ever. He said he did not know if it was love but he definitely was fond of me, feelings and admiration, a great deal. Our relationship to him was precious, dream, authentic and sensual.  

I was very sad and didn't understand anything of what happened and what went wrong. I was fine and okay to be just 'friends with benefits', but why did he come with all declarations of love? Even two days before our confrontation, he told me he loved me and he was mine, and two days later, he was not sure if his feelings was love. Why did he lie about the caller and the existence of other women in his life?

I am confused and above all feel like an absolute fool being rejected and played out. But one thing for sure, I am determinded to stop contacting him to maintain at least whatever dignity is left of me.

I would appreciate your opinions on his behaviors and on how I could get him out of my mind.


Well...not to be insensitive, but it sounds like you played yourself. You got involved with a man that was living with his girlfriend. It is a bit much to assume that just because he was making these comments to you that he meant them. He probably said all those things to her for the year that he was sleeping with you every month. At any rate, it seems like he just wanted to keep you around and felt that the best way to do it was to create emotional ties. It's hard to tell whether he confused love with lust, or if he actually liked you. Either way, the best way to get him out of your mind is to cut off all contact, deal with the pain and focus on your future.

well if u were straight with each other at the very beginning that it was just a FWB. what else do u expect. the whole idea of that is fun without commiting yrself. unless anything develops which in yr case it didnt. prob coz some1 else was on the scene also.

I am actually in that situation and was hoping to benefiting from your storie. I hope u the best and the strength to get over your ex. I know what you are going through.

Thanks gals.

I am slowly waking up to smell the coffee, not that I am in denial, but it is never easy to let go of someone so quickly if one has real feelings involved.

Guess the conclusion is I am not suitable for the fwb arrangement as I do tend to fall in love and care for the person a great deal. In this case, I will only end uo getting hurt. Besides, I think if a man is genuinely interested in me, wants to have a relationship with me, he would not hurt me the way he did then sent me texts to apologise for his actions.

The status between us was unclear as pointed out, were we still fwb, or did he love me? During our confrontation, when I told him he didn't love me, he said he didn't know if he wanted to be married. On the other hand, he blamed the unsucessful visit to his bad organisation, persisting to deny the fact that he has another lover. Yes I did play, but I did care for him genuinely, the moment we said we loved each other.

He could be hanging on to me as a back-up plan, stringing me on, otherwise, there would not be a need for him to lie or hide about anything. I am also probably feedig his ego, he introduced me to his friends. He was happy when his friends told him that I was top. In addition, he is 52 years old and I am 38. He was constantly saying that he was old, why did I hang out with an old man like him, asked me if I would always be attracted by him.

My fault to have taken him too seriously. It hurts to think that he is lying besides someone now telling her the same stuff he told me. I am really to be blamed. I need to forget and let go. I need to straighten out my thoughts, move on and go for a man who will respect me. The old school of thought is so relevant, a man will respect only a lady who respects herself.

Oh, before our fight during my visit, he asked me if he was too old for me. I assured him that he wasn't and that we were about the same age. He was very happy and thought I was nuts to have thought that we were the same age.