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Was Cheated On, Got Back Together, Now What?

Published on September 15, 2013 by js341016

Hi YT,

My girlfiend and I (late 20's) just celebrated our 2 year anniv. Things for the most part have been going well, however I have my reservations.

We live in NYC and met through one of the co-ed sports leagues a few summers ago. Since I'm an athletic person and love both playing and watching sports I thought it would be a great idea to be able to share that commonality with someone. The first 8-9 months Id like to say were fairly standard. Had our great moments, had our fights, had our suspicions. Since the start of the relationship I always had in the back of my mind I thought she may be into a guy she plays with in another league but never had any evidence.

The following summer we continued to play in the league we had met in. We had both made other friends through the league, mainly on our team and like to spend time with them after games on Saturdays. I had been friends with one of the girls (Call her Alison to be easy) on the team prior to meeting my gf but strictly friends. I don't find this girl attractive and would never consider dating her. During one of the hangouts after the game we were all drinking and hanging out (not crazy though). In a jokingly manner Alison put her arm on my shoulder for a couple of seconds while telling a joke. Thats it. Of course my gf saw and of course she was jealous. She asked me about it later and told me it bothered her. I apologized and assured her she had nothing to worry about. I'm not nor will ever be into Alison. nothing has ever happened and nothing ever will. Still, my gf (who had danced on the tables with Alison earlier that day) decided she now despised this "threat" and its been that way ever since. Alison knows this and has actually gone out of her way to be friendly to my gf. But my gf is stubborn and still hates her. Fine, I've managed that.

The problem is, while Alison is seen as a threat to me even though she is barely i, my gf plays on other teams in other leagues. I took particular interest in a guy (call him Ryan) that seemed to have something with my gf. I've seen the pix on facebook, etc. I know they knew eachother for a while but my gf said they didnt have a past. Regardless, I asked but didnt grill my gf on him. She didnt seem to like I was asking questions about him either.I've even met Ryan a few times and he didnt seem to really care to talk to me.

While my gf would grill me on occasion about Alison, she was always offended when i would grill back. Something troubling

After summer #2 my GF and I took a trip together and had a great time. I thought she may be "the one". After that trip, things started to feel like they were going in the other direction though. The fall kicked up, she was in more leagues than me and it always seemed like she had a game. By mid fall I had gotten used to her having a game and while I still had suspicions I didnt think anything of it.

My birthday is in the fall and she asked me to take a day off from work to celebrate. She planned a big day with surprises and really won my heart. The following weekend, I went away for a buddies bachelor party. I was so crazy for this girl that I couldnt even look at another girl. I texted with her the whole weekend. The night I got back home I got the text "i think we need to talk". That night, we broke up, she never gave me a good reason and that sucked.

I spent the next month trying to win her back, mainly because there was no closure. She would sometimes chat, sometimes avoid me, never making me a priority. It had gotten to the point where I ended up writing a 10 page love letter which I needed to read to her. We had plans to meet up on Saturday so I could read it to her. She called me Friday night, saying she was in the area and we could do it then. I read the letter, expressing everything and that was it. It was her time to talk and while I cant say i was totally surprised, i was still somewhat surprised. Bam, there had been three separate occasions she had gotten drunk and slept with Ryan earlier in the fall and revealed before me, they had actually dated! Also while we were broken up she slept with him again. (Maybe she was starting a relationship with him?) She apologized and thought that was it. I was in a bind, I was madly in love with her but she did what she did. We spoke some more and went our separate ways to think about it. Over the next few weeks while we were smoothing our relationship I asked her about him several times with questions. Everytime I asked she would get more and more annoyed and made me feel like I was the unfaithful one, not her. We got back together and have been so for nearly another year. Mostly good times can fight on occasion.

My big problem is, while I see her everyday, I still think about how I was cheated on almost everyday I know the window has closed to give her crap about what she did but the bottom line is, we are at the point where we would maybe consider moving in. However my reservations are that I can't stop thinking about how awful she has been to me and if those thoughts are still everpresent after nearly a year of hearing the terrible things that were done to me, will they ever go away? While I want to love her, I can't just let myself to forget about it. Is this relationship doomed?


You don't say what your GF said after you read her your 10 page love letter. Did she apologize and seem sincere? If she didn't, that's why you are stuck and can't get over it. In the case of cheating, many couples do get over it, but it takes work -- especially on the part of the cheater.

If she did apologize sincerely but it still sticks with you, it then becomes a matter of can YOU forgive it.

At this point you need to decide if you are willing to move past the infidelity. If not, you need to move on from your girlfriend. If you can, then you really need to let it go. Forgive her. But you're right that you can't keep punishing her for events in the past especially after you've supposedly moved on.