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Urgent!! What to write in a pre-breakup email?

Published on April 16, 2014 by southerngal

I fear the worst has come between my boyfriend and myself. It has been two weeks of ups and downs. He claims to be stressed at work and that I was only adding to that because of my fears of losing him due to the stress. I would tell him that I didn't want to lose him but he would just coldly reply that I would lose him if I kept thinking that.

It had all started going down hill when I discovered that he was still in contact with his ex. I was hurt and wondered why he was still talking to her. I retreated into my shell because I had been cheated on before. Later on he explained he was merely trying to get his things back from her.

So that’s when he blamed me for acting different and that I have changed. He asked for a break and it was 3 days before he texted me back saying sorry it had come to this and that he still wants me in his life but he's still very stressed. I was trying to show him that I am happy and that I'm not the one causing him stress.

It had almost gotten better but then it went downhill all in the same week. He was giving me cold answers, he didn't bother to respond to any of my emails or asking how I was. We went a weekend without talking.

We recently spoke this morning and now he's 10x more bitter with his words. I don't know why he isn't telling me that he wants out yet. I refuse to give up on him. It’s like he wants me to end it but I refuse to give up knowing I'm not the one giving him stress. He’s not the same man that I had once fallen in love with. It’s like he’s been brainwashed to hate me suddenly. I know I can help him with work and help him better himself. I have been loyal and faithful to him. I waited for him while he was on a 9 month deployment. His ex seems to have somehow bedded herself into his life again and I know she’s only playing him. She’s the one who cheated on him and used him. Every time I brought that up he would instantly get mad at me.

So why is he not ending it? He's clearly not trying to rekindle the relationship.

So now I am forced with the decision to ask him what we are and what was it that I did to make him hate me so much in just a short amount of time. We cannot see each other due to living a few hours apart. So I have to write an email. What should I say in this email?

I tried writing one but I realized I kept saying sorry for ruining it. And its hard for me not to mention his ex blaming her for ruining our relationship. I just know that’s going to annoy him if I keep apologizing and suggesting that he’s going to go back to her.

I fear of it ending... I really do. I don't do well with breakups. I would lose a lot of weight and feel down about myself for a long time.


Hey there southergirl: You can write that email, but do it in draft and save it - don't send it. Every time you feel like sending and email do that. Every time you feel like picking up the phone, call a friend instead. The problem is not you, not his ex - it's all him. He can be as stressed as he wants to be, but that's no excuse for not being responsive, especially when he's got time to contact his ex to get back his "stuff." If I were you, I'd be mad, not sad.

You can't fix a problem that you didn't create. And yes, you are making matters worse on you by accepting guilt for something you didn't do.

You're trying to fix a problem you didn't create. How can you tell? Because nothing you do or say is right - for him that is. You're not going to like this (but you will appreciate it soon) ... do nothing. Because there's nothing you can do to de-stress someone else, or to make an ex go away. Take back your womanly power and refuse to put up with BS.

He is a coward and in my book, he is your ex - one who just didn't have the guts to break up with you. He's keeping you pining on the sidelines while he goes about his business and you're home feeling guilty because things aren't working. You didn't create his stress or your boyfriend's inability to pick up a phone or respond to an email. Are his fingers broken?

A wise woman once told me that "You can't take back the spoken (or written) word." Hit send on that email and you'll give him more ammunition to fire back at you - he'll say it's you complicating matters, that you're needy or adding more stress to his life. He'll make you feel guilty for what? Have you done anything to feel guilty about? Not that you mentioned - not that I can see.

Men like to chase, they hate being chased. Maybe there are exceptions to that rule, but they are rare. Besides, as a woman - as a true Southern Girl - you should be having men vying for your attention. And you should not be longing for the attention of someone who is too "busy" to respond to you.

Write all you want - it's a good way to purge your feelings of hurt and anger - but don't hit the send button. Keep it in your drafts for a few days and then go back and re-read it - I guarantee you'll say, "I'm glad I didn't send that."

Good luck to you SG - love yourself. If you want someone to talk to about this, write me an email and we'll set up a complimentary 20-minute call. In the meantime, go get your nails done; do something nice for yourself at least. But stay away from that send button.

LJ Innes, A YourTango Expert

I am going to agree with LJLinnes in saying that your "boyfriend" has the issues. Again, how can you tell? Because nothing you do is what he wants and he continues to want you pining after him, but does not want to be chased.

It is time to take care of yourself instead of trying to control the behavior of another person. Take the power back and give it to yourself to work on your own self-esteem and be strong.

Kim Openo, LAPC NCC Your Tango Expert Licensed Associate Professional Counselor