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Unsure in relationship

Published on June 22, 2013 by artyfact

I'm really confused about my relationship and need an impartial view. We started out as co workers he is 12 years older than me and has a son, I was in an unhappy relationship that was coming to an end and apparently his was too. My relationship broke up and my co worker admitted his feelings for me but was with a woman he'd been in a long term relationship with ( not his sons mother). We remained as close friends as ever but eventually it developed into more. We began seeing each other ( im ashamed but it happened) and he said he would leave but had to take it slow as his son was a priority. We stopped seeing each other while he figured things out but remained close and couldn't get much distance as we work together every day. He went on a holiday with his girlfriend and while he was away I started to see a friend of mine casually but on his return from the holiday he broke up with his girlfriend and had no where to go, so of course he came to me and I let him move in and ended my casual relationship as we had not seen much of each other anyway. From there it snowballed. He needed a place to bring his son on weekends but didn't want us to meet yet so I'd stay away on weekends and eventually we decided to leave my lovely 1 bed flat for a bigger place so that his so could have room. Fast forward a couple of years and I feel trapped, he's lovely and treats me well and says that this is the happiest he's ever been but I miss my flat and alone time, the freedom and lack of responsibility as we have his son a few times a week. I ain't that my eye has been wondering and I'm fantasising about younger guys. I've also been talking to the friend I was seeing before my boyfriend and he's full of regret that we didn't try harder and get together as he thinks we'd be a great couple and says he loves me. I'm trying to leave him out of the equation as this should have no bearing on my relationship with my boyfriend but I feel it is clouding my judgement and I'm shutting down a bit emotionally which my bf has noted. We talked about it and he said he wants what's best for me and I told him I'm scared, we're always together at work and home and have a house and car that we couldn't afford separately. I'm worried, do I try harder to save this or end it and hurt him and have to work with him everyday? I don't know if I'm thinking the grass is greener but could lose a lovely guy for the sake of a little wanderlust. I'm so confused.

ANSWERS

Your first concern should be for yourself (that sounds selfish, but hear me out). Forget both men. Are you happy with your life as it is now? Do you feel fulfilled or like you’re missing something vital? If you feel like something is missing, you need to take stock of yourself and your life, and see what it is that’s lacking. Would you be happier on your own? Now add the guys back into the equation. You’ve been with your partner long enough that he deserves an open, honest conversation, but first you need to know what it is you’re being honest about. Is it the route your life together has taken, or the relationship itself that has you down? Do you want to be on your own, with your current partner, or with this other guy? The most important thing you could do right now is be honest with yourself, and your partner. Like I said, take careful stock of yourself and your life before making any decisions, and do what is best for you.

Hi Kristen, firstly I'd like to thank you for answering my question, it's nice to have another perspective on things. I think the hardest thing about all of this is that I can't quite put my finger on what is lacking and when I think back to the beginning of our relationship I remember how awfully depressed my partner was at the time and how I tried so hard every day to make him happy. It's like eventually it worked but I forgot to make sure that I was happy along the way. I know I'm a bit of a people pleaser and a helper and that I throw myself into relationships, becoming who my partner wants me to be only to get resentful later on. I feel that something in my life is lacking now and I'm having a really hard time picturing a future with my boyfriend and his son who I've still not really warmed too, although I'm friendly with. I'm just worried because some of these doubts got stronger when my male friend came back into my life a few months ago so I don't know if I'm causing all of this. I also despair about a breakup and the fallout with the work and house situation. I never travelled or really lived alone, except for the brief spell in the flat I left which I loved. I guess I'm just craving the freedom I had and feel that at 30 I'm still not ready to settle while my boyfriend is. I'm worried that I'm going to bounce from relationship to relationship and find fault with every man as I've never been alone, I'm a bit of a serial monogamist.

My pleasure! It sounds like you lost yourself somewhere along the way. You need to take some time and get back in touch with what makes you, you. You need to be content with yourself on your own first. It’s hard to be happy with another person when you’re not happy with yourself. Maybe your future is with your partner, maybe it isn’t. The most crucial thing you could do for yourself is learn to be content and whole on your own. It says a lot that you realize you don’t want to settle. Be brave!

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