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Trusting Again

Published on February 8, 2014 by delusion

Truth is the fact remain that my husband of 14 years cheated with a close girl friend who is a colleague of his and also married with 2 kids! After knowing her for the past 10 years, even saving her youngest boy from drowning at one point, she decided that my husband is good to prey on by throwing herself shameless at him when they were both in Europe last year. Pretending to be the best buddy who "listened" to his woes and giving ill advise and seeking him out daily over the past years. With my trust, I never had any ill thought about them meeting privately outside or even to the extend that they actually planned their backpacking trip in Europe together. I have 3 young kids to handled and I had travelled throught Europe in my earlier days, I never stop them travelling together. Only upon him returning with a fractured arm and refuse my company with him to the dr that I became suspecious as he accepted her offer in my place! She claimed she felt guilty for his injury as I told her to take care of him but instead he hurt himself. Coincidentally, after his operation and gain conciousness, his dr accidentally blurted out to him if his wife had explain the procedure conducted. I stood there seeing the dr for the first time in my life! Hubby quickly explained that this is the wife and that was the "partner". We had many arguments since then and I also seen many messages between them that indicate that they were more that friends - He even sms her daily "Home safe darling". We rarely text each other and yet he call, text and see her daily. In the end, I even drag his parents (as he is very close with them) in the bid to save my marriage and he had repented after the parents involvement. We (she & I) had severe our relationship but he still see her daily at work. I cannot change that - he assure me they both stoping communicating privately unless work related but I find it difficult to trust him anymore. I do love him and I behave well outwardly but sometimes I ended up depressed, hurting and crying privately over such betrayal till having sucidal thoughts. I can see that it's already over between them but the doubt still creeps in. He make efforts to redeem himself but shut off whenever I bring up the topic. I follow advise to talk over it for me to heal but he refuse and ask why I keep reminding him about it. I find it difficult to regain that trust. Help me... I want to make our life better but I don't know how anymore.

ANSWERS

I have so much compassion for this learning and growth curve you are in with respect to relationships! Usually suicidal feelings come from feeling helpless and hopeless- and it is important to know that if you are indeed having suicidal ideation as your post suggests, it is definitely time for you to seek professional support and interventions. No situation - especially not one like this when you have three children depending on you- is worth losing your life over or worth them losing a mother! There are many experts here on Your Tango with certifications and licenses that can help you, and it would be unrealistic for you to rely on an internet post from someone no matter how expert they are. None of us can know you fully, nor grasp your full story and advise you accordingly, without talking with you. That being said, I will try to answer your question in general, with an emphasis on the fact that I implore you to seek professional help to get through this time to what can be a Renaissance of joy and love in your own heart and your marriage. It is not uncommon for an affair to be the thing that takes marriage and intimacy to the next level of joy and commitment- rarely do we hear about that in the news, because it is the break ups that make the headlines. But an affair can spell a new lease on love for both partners when they have the proper tools and guidance to work through it and receive the learning that is present on both sides.

As a Your Tango expert (http://www.yourtango.com/experts/sheva) with a book out called Being the Source of Love, I included a chapter in the book on trust because trust is one of the biggest issues in relationships. Not surprisingly, it is also a source of one of the biggest misconceptions in relationships. Most people think what makes a relationship work is trusting the other person. That NEVER works. People, all of us, are learning and growing and therefore apt to do untrustworthy things. The real person any of us need to trust in ANY relationship is ourselves. This situation is so painful for you not so much because of what your husband did (though that hurts too) but because of what YOU did and didn't do, and what you knew and didn't know. The trust that was broken here was with your own self esteem, self confidence, self respect, and awareness of what's real. As soon as you stop looking to what your husband did as the problem while seeing yourself as a victim of his actions, and shift instead to looking at the choices you made and the things you allowed that contributed to the way things played out, you will feel the power come back into you. This will then allow you to make decisions with what is happening now that feel better to you. For example, if you

were doing coaching with me we'd look at why you were ok with your husband taking a back packing trip to Europe with another woman while you stayed home and took care of the kids. Sounds like you were not placing healthy boundaries on the container of your marriage to protect its well being. Every marriage needs healthy boundaries, the same way the walls of a house protect you from a winter storm. Learning how to be the source of boundaries that support the integrity of your marriage and your husband can put the power back in you. Then you will feel much less helpless and ready to create the love you and your marriage deserve.

I encourage you to reach out to me or one of the other experts here on Your Tango for help doing that. And I send you much care, compassion and support as you navigate your way to that!

I have read your post and there are two things that come out as a priority. You mention that are you feeling suicidal. If needed, please seek immediate resources for suicide prevention. 1-800-SUICIDE and www.imalive.com are both places where you can talk live or live chat, respectively, with trained volunteers that can help you immediately and help find resources in your area to help for the near future.

The second is that I agree with Sheva that feeling so depressed that you wish to take your life comes from a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. With your husband unwilling to talk about what happened between the two of you and how you both can move forward to repair the relationship, you might it seems as if you feel that you can't predict when another betrayal will come. In other words, why be hopeful for the future if you are waiting for him to cheat again?

Your husband made a terrible decision and took actions that hurt you greatly. You can't change what he did and your feelings about it. However, you DO have control over your future actions, so helplessness & hopelessness do not hijack your actions. If you husband will go with you to therapy to work on the marriage, that's great. If not, GO FOR YOURSELF. You may find that in positive changes in you will spark something in him to want to change his behavior also. If he chooses not to change, you will be healing yourself and learning coping skills to make you feel strong and confident so that if he does not want to change, you can move forward on your own if you choose. You cannot control your husband's decisions and actions, but you can work on your own. I highly recommend that you do this. If money is an issue, there are often low cost counseling options through a community service board or a private practice that offers sliding scale. Look through Your Tango Experts for someone first, then you can consult Psychology Today, Therapy Tribe, or Good Therapy and choose "Find a Therapist".

Good luck with your new adventure in self-empowerment.

Kim Openo Therapist Your Tango Expert

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