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to forgive a cheater or to quit ?

Published on August 27, 2014 by sghara

I have been dating a guy for the past year and seven months. Making eachother very happy and having a great chemistry. According to the talks we had in the early stages of our relationship, I wanted a serious relationship ending in marriage and being on the same page, it got to the point when we had the talk to get engaged sometime soon. Thats when I found out that he lied about his age and that he was older (I"m 30- he said 33 but his 40). After dating him for 4 months his ex girlfriend (who lives in another states and has been with my bf for 4 years/ long distance) found me through pictures and asked me whether I was dating him or not so I decided to say no and see how my boyfriend is gonna react since he was traveling abroad. I asked him to tell her that he's seeing someone. He never did and I just recently found out that not only he never told her about us but also they have been txting and talking pretty much everyday and have seen each other twice and slept with each other. He feels very sorry about it and his girl friend said she never knew about me since she doesn't even live in my city. I don't know if this relationship is worth a second chance or not since cheating is a big deal and I don't know if I should let go of all the plannings for moving in together.over all he always kept mentioning that he feels so happy with me and thought that this was his biggest mistake in life.

ANSWERS

sghara, I do not know the specifics in your situation, but perhaps a couple of questions could help you think through the situation. When I work as an expert with others (my practice can be found at www.SeekingShalom.org), I am able to help them further knowing their situation.

How do you and he define cheating? Often, couples do not share the same idea about what is defined as cheating. It is possible that you viewed his emotional connection and ongoing relationship as cheating, whereas, he might not have. This, then, may be an issue of communication and clear expectations rather than cheating (as both of you see it).

What do you desire and need for yourself in an intimate relationship? If he was connected to her throughout this time in these ways and that bothers you, was the beginning of this relationship really that great?

thanks for ur ur reply...maybe your right and that I should have asked him long time ago how he defines cheating but usually this is not a subject that usually couples talk about since they don't plan to be infedele with each other overall plus personally I think cheating has overall been defined as physical and emotional relationship which clearing both has been going on since he has been hiding it for a 1.5 year. but the way u made me question this whole relationship kinda helped me in a different way.

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