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Time To Start The Healing Process. First Step: Write about it.

Published on December 28, 2009 by evababbii

Omg, where do I begin? Well first, this is not a question... this site doesn't have journals "that I know of" so, I decided to let it all go right here.. But anyway, I just removed my ex boyfriend from my facebook friend list. Yea, I know, wow right? Well, I'm not done.. I just found out, not too long after we broke up, that I was in love with this guy. "Big deal" Well... he had a girlfriend and.. we were still having sex. "Stupid" I shouldn't of put myself in that situation but of all the consequences, I had to fall in love. ... I finally realized "last night" that I was completely obsessed with him... but here's the crazy part. It was a different obsession. Usually, way before I knew what love was, when I crushed on someone, I would basically drive myself mad with the thought of me and whomever being together. "lol what a loser" Think about em' write their names' all over my notebook, daydream of us doing it... yea, I was a bit delusional. I couldn't concentrate in school at all, my grades was literally diminishing and my behavior was out-of-control, I was everywhere.. but why I say it's different is cause.. I'm able to do what I have to do without thinking about him, and when I'm finished, I go right back to obsessing. I didn't write his name all over my books... although lol I would still think about us having mad passionate sex I felt, I'm not going crazy over this one, it most mean something... but now that I think about it. I was young and immature then, I'm much older now with way more experience. "Oh God lol I feel like a fool" Back to recovery.. I just knew we had something special going on, but then I asked myself... Did I feel something special between us or did I feel something special about him? Serious right? Well, I gave it a thought... it was B all along him being special But how could I blame myself, he was almost everything I could first experience with a man. He was such a gentleman and "must I add" an amazing lover. He wasn't drop dead gorgeous or did he have a killers body.. He was my type of guy. Soft... warm.. tall.. dark, funny, sweet, shy... haitan not what I expected, but I wasn't discriminating He was what I needed in a man. I don't know how we broke up.. I didn't know we did, I guess it just happened. I know it was my fault.. I smoke... and he doesn't like smoking. We got into this fight over a ciggerate "God, how I wish I can turn back the hands of time.. but not just for this..{{insida}} How could I blame myself... but being realistic, I could possibly be loving a guy who doesn't give a dam about me. He says I'm special, he says I'm true "wifey" material, he says hes feeling me, but.. it's not all the right words... it's not the words I wanna hear basically. So why do it? Why do it to myself, why go back to frivolous behavior.. a stage where I once was. I'm done mopish. I'm done writing about him in my journal. He's covered enough pages in my life. I tryed ti be friends, but it just hurted too much to see him and his girl on pictures on facebook. I saw pictures of her on his bed.. where I use to be, where me and him use to lay Oh God Im bout to cry lol Where me and his best moments were... that was the icing on the cake there. .. This hurts alot.. I'd never thought that I would go through this again. Very foolish of me to think that way. But, I'm not going to punish myself. And I definitly feel sorry for anyone who's reading this lol. But I had to let it go sometime... I hope he's happy. I'm glad.... What more else can I do? But wait, I guess.. he's birthday coming up. I'd thought about making his favorite dish. He'd said that he'll marry me if I were to ever make that dish for him.. I wasn't doing it for marriageEven though if were to happen, I probably be speechless lol I was doing as a finally goodbye. So when he thinks of it, he'll think of me and of course, giving him the best sex he could ever have with me* But now I'm confused.. I don't know if I should do it or not.. would it get in the way of my recovery. I mean, sex is sex. We just never kissed and I wanted to do that.. So if it's possible that someone is reading this novel then, I guess you can help me on that... thanks for listening. Sy'mone

ANSWERS

This site does have journals and that might be the better place for your thoughts. When you log into your account, in the upper right hand corner is a button that says "write a post." Click on that and it will take you to your blog where you can write about your own personal experiences with love. I'd love to read them over there!

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