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threesomes

Published on June 3, 2012 by bdmoose

My wife has mentioned that she would like to experience being with a women. She would like me to be with her and share the experience. She has mentioned it more than once so I believe her. She has never done anything with a women before and seems like she is hesitant, do to the fact that we've been married for 9+ yrs. She said that I would need to find a women to be with both of us but as excited as I am that terrifies me that it will turn to resentment or anger. I have mentioned for her to try it first and see if its something she enjoys.  I don't want to lose her because I got selfish. I have had threesomes in the past with girlfriends before with another male and know that feelings can come up. We have talked about it but she was the one that brought it up and she is very insecure with talking about sex and what she wants. Any suggestions are appreciated. Thank you

ANSWERS

When couples seek a third party for either one-time sex or possibly even a threesome relationship, it's absolutely important that both of you are in full agreement about what you're looking for and how far you're willing to take it, even down to the participation level (who touches who, what's off-limits, if anything). It sounds like a lot of technical talk for a sexual situation, but it will save a lot of potential trouble in the end, as well as making it clear to the third person what you're looking for so they can decide for themselves if it's something they want too.

As far as you picking the person you should all be with, I think your intuition is right on target, it could possibly cause resentment later. Seeking a bed partner is something you should both do together. Your wife may be shy about finding someone even though she wants the physical act, but if it's solely your choice who you bring home, she may find herself being jealous later, especially since you mention she's insecure about talking about sex. Everyone should be comfortable on all levels here. Clear communication is what is most needed to make this work or not. Her insecurity may turn to jealousy even if she's not the jealous type. She may wind up asking you, "why did you pick her, what attracted you to her," etc.

Also you owe some honesty to the third party. Approaching a person as a singular will give them the wrong first impression. A couple, however, that flirts with a girl together - well, they've spelled it out pretty clearly that it's a threesome they're looking for. Being honest, upfront and clear - first with each other (you and your wife) and then with the third person - will save a lot of unanswered questions and anxieties later for everyone involved.

If your wife is insecure about talking about sex maybe you should begin with working on that before you bring a third person into the bedroom. Working through the details is worth it, then you can both have the fulfilling sexual experience you both desire.

You should probably think very, very seriously about this prospect as it could easily descend into tragedy for your mariage. Sure, it may seem exciting now but as you say yourself, "feelings can come up" in such situations and it's entirely different trying it with your wife than with a girlfriend. If it "terrifies" you that it will turn to resentment or anger, then you certainly need to let your wife know that and how the retention of your marriage is your number one concern.

If your wife is excited by the thought of a lesbian experience, have you tried some fantacising while having sex? It is a relatively simple thing to keep a fantasy separate from reality and therefore less threatening to your relationship.

You say that you don't want to lose her due to being selfish but if the success of a marriage depends on the right to include a third party in sex, then the marriage probably needs some serious work. Good luck.

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