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Is there more to this relationship?

Published on May 1, 2012 by spunkeey

Hi, this would be the first time I have ever asked for advice and I am nervous about what the answer may be. I have been dating my boyfriend for eight years (he is my high school sweetheart). We have pretty much grownup with each other and have had a really good relationship, he is 25 and I am 24. He has done so much for me and I in return. We laugh at the same stupid things but have our own interests as well. The sex is amazing and it's passionate. Our relationship stayed strong when we both went to college. He went to college 2 hours away from me and we would see each other every (sometimes every other) weekend. However, this past year we have finally moved in together and this is our last year of college and I have noticed that I have become very questionable about our relationship.
He is all I have ever known and I felt I have been lucky to have found someone like him right away. Although, we are graduating soon and I have came to the conclusion that we have different goals and we aren't working together as a couple to meet in the middle. His family owns a farm and wants him to move back to the town we grew up in and work on the farm. His parents even told us that they found a house out in the country when our lease is up. I don't see myself there. I have never liked our town or area due to  the horrible school system and the notion that there are no job oppurtunities for someone like me who majored in Art History. Other reasons I have been questioning our relationship a lot is the fact that he is not healthy.  He smokes, eats only when he is hungry (which is for dinner), eats like garbage (junk food, fast food, etc.) unless I cook something, and has been gaining some weight from sitting down on the couch all day reading all about sports on the internet. He is in no way obese. He is slightly overweight and I have asked him nicely to be healthier and I tell him that I love him and I am worried for his health. He tells me that he doesn't want to live an old age and I feel like he is being selfish. I have even told him that and I have tried to get him outside to do something. He hates the idea of exercising which I find hard to believe when he was so active in high school. But just the other day we went for a hike and within 5mins he was gasping for air on the verge of passing out. For a couple hours he questioned his health but then he smoked a cigarette later and went back to the old habits. His parents have even told him he needed to do something to be more active. He also doesn't want to have kids, which someday I do. If I persist about what we need to work on he shuts down. His parents ask if he is ever going to pop the question and he ignores them. But he says he loves me all the time. Maybe he is depressed? He has had some tragic deaths within his family these past few years, lost two grandparents to old age and a cousin to suicide. However, It is hard for me to know when he keeps his emotions to himself. He never opens up. 
I'm sorry for the long rant about my relationship but I am confused on where we stand. I have tried many times to talk about all these issues and for awhile I feel like we come to an understanding but a few days later we revert back to this. I have been stressing over graduating and the idea of paying off the loan money I have accumulated over the years on top of my future with the man I love. My mom told me once, 'If you love someone let them go, if they come back to you then it was meant to be.' Should I? Am I afraid to leave him because of the time and effort that went into the relationship? Were these eight years all for nothing? Am I overreacting? Am I creating an ideal unrealistic life for us? I need answers because I have become a bitch within the past few months and I think it is because of our relationship. I exercise everyday and I have not been able to calm down and just breathe. I feel as though I am subconsciously pushing him away by putting up this defensive wall in case we break up so I don't get hurt. I keep hoping that maybe this is just a phase and it all will work out for the best. Anyways thank you for taking the time to read this and helping me.

ANSWERS

My dear, You have discovered one of the most crucial elements of relationship. There are three essential elements to successful relationships. Chemistry which you obviously have. Love/Respect which it appears that you have as you seem to be very concerned about him and he about you. and Compatibility which seems to be missing in your relationship.
The issues that you are having difficulty with in your relationship can be deal breakers. Three significant issues which are usually deal breakers are health goals, wanting children and where you want to live. Many women find a man who is 90% what they want in a mate and try to force him to be the other 10%. Do not settle for hoping that he will change. He will not. Your mom is right. The eight years has not been wasted. You have learned a great deal and if you continue this relationship it will only be more painful in 20 years when you break up for the same issues that you are currently experiencing.

Acknowledge your love, acknowledge the time you have shared and graciously dismiss him.
Then follow your heart.

My dear, You have discovered one of the most crucial elements of relationship. There are three essential elements to successful relationships. Chemistry which you obviously have. Love/Respect which it appears that you have as you seem to be very concerned about him and he about you. and Compatibility which seems to be missing in your relationship.
The issues that you are having difficulty with in your relationship can be deal breakers. Three significant issues which are usually deal breakers are health goals, wanting children and where you want to live. Many women find a man who is 90% what they want in a mate and try to force him to be the other 10%. Do not settle for hoping that he will change. He will not. Your mom is right. The eight years has not been wasted. You have learned a great deal and if you continue this relationship it will only be more painful in 20 years when you break up for the same issues that you are currently experiencing.

Acknowledge your love, acknowledge the time you have shared and graciously dismiss him.
Then follow your heart.

In my opinion, the reason you're becoming angry and demanding is that marriage is the next step, and it's making you face the reality that your boyfriend is a very nice friend and lover, but not the right husband for you.

I agree with you mother. And I would add the advice a smart man once gave me: "Don't marry who you hope he will become."

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