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Stuck in limbo!

Published on November 3, 2011 by hollyj

Hi, My boyfriend and I just broke up. It's the third time we've broken up, and although everyone tells me to just move on, I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. This is his first serious relationship (we've been together 10 months), but it isn't mine, so I find we don't see eye to eye on how much work it should take or what we should be expecting out of this, and he has a lot of trouble communicating his feelings. He says he feels trapped and that he needs space and to be alone, but he said these same things the last two times as well, and then immediately changed his mind. How can I show him that he can have space and freedom without having to leave an otherwise good relationship? Particularly now that we've agreed to split and take some time away from talking to each other?


Breaking up 3 times within 10 months? He needs his space? LET HIM GO! When more than one friend is giving you the same advice, take it. You are too close to the situation and care about the man, so you're not being objective. Your brain needs to overide your heart in this situation. Do not risk your heart on a wishy washy man who does not want to be in a commited relationship right now. He's not the last man on the planet. There are plenty of men out there who may meet your needs, and have the same life goals, if you only give them a chance.

This man is a challenge. People love a challenge, but in this case, it's not good for your well being. Work on your self esteem so you don't accept someone in your life who doesn't have 100% commitment to you. This type of rockiness in such a short period makes it clear that you two are not compatible. Good luck in finding someone who is crazy about you and makes you feel special every day.

So three critical questions you should be asking yourself at this stage...

  1. What are you gaining from this relationship that you and only you believe you can't find in a new relationship?

  2. If you don't see "eye to eye" on how much work it should take, what else are you not seeing eye-to-eye on that hasn't even surfaced?

  3. Why do you desire to be in a relationship with someone that this is their first serious relationship? Sounds like you have been around the block an know what you want, so why are you settling to raise this guy?

If you don't think you deserve to be in a more mature and advanced relationship then you are dis-serving yourself.

Self-love will lead to self-care which leads to truly caring and loving someone else.

The third time may be the charm--that breaks you up for good, that is. You may have a lot in common, but you disagree on one of the most important things--how to manage your relationship. He has plenty of space and freedom now. Let him see how he likes that! If you give this relationship another go, I'd suggest you taking a more passive role--letting him initiate contact, plans, etc, more frequently. If it tuns out you aren't comfortable with the amount of space he wants, the two of you just aren't compatible. It is best to move on and find someone with a similar vision of a relationship.

If everyone is telling you to move on, I would listen. Relationships should be fun and easy at the 10-month stage.

If you've already broken up 3 times, this is not a good fit and your friends know it. I think it's a sign to find someone new.