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Is something wrong here or is it just me?

Published on September 6, 2012 by ashcake22

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year, but a few months ago he gave me his old phone since mine broke.  While getting used to the new phone I got to the text messages and found a message between him and a female friend.  This friend he considers to be like a sister and is supposed to be one of his best friends.  When I was reading through the message it seemed to me like they were flirting rather than having a friendly conversation.  He mentioned that her smile made his day and that she was the most important person to him, not to mention enforcing that fact that he loved her multiple times.  She was also sending him pictures of herself as well.  

I know that it was wrong to go through the message and now I regret it because I don't trust him as much as I did before.  I knew that they had an odd friendship, but I didn't know it was to this extent.  Aside from the fact that they were texting at 3 am and onward, which I had confonted him about before, the way that they were speaking to each other bothered me.  When I confronted him about it he seemed like he felt bad for upseting me, but now it almost feels like he thinks I'm just being silly.  I asked him if he thought I was over reacting and he said that he thought I was because they are just friends.  

He now says that he doesn't speak to her much anymore and I feel like he is blaming me for this fact.  I would never want to ruin a friendship between them and I've made that very clear to him.  I've also made it clear that it was never that they were friends or talking, but it was what they were saying to eachother.  Am I overreacting or is this normal? 


From what you write, it does sound like flirting and possibly more than friend kind of behavior in those texts. Keep in mind when the texts were written and, if he is still in contact with his friend, come up with some clear agreements with him about what is a okay and what is not. Know the difference between making a demand or setting an ultimatum AND creating an agreement that he's got "buy in" with and will actually keep.

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto

Male/female friendships have different dynamics, and are common when people are young, but when you get in a serious relationship, these male/female friendships need to go to the backburner because of problems like this. They are too close, and it's not good for you.

As for me, I wouldn't be with a guy who had such a close relationship with a woman like this. Not all guys do this. When I was single and dating, I immediately stopped dating guys who engaged in this type of behavior. I finally was lucky enough to meet my future husband, who doesn't communicate with any women besides me and relatives. Do yourself a favor and keep cutting men loose who don't meet your needs. This will free you to finally find a man who you can trust. Good luck.

I feel the same way you do about male/female friendships, but unfortunately, I don't think that he feels the same way which sucks on my end. But I wonder now if it's too late to end things because of this situation or if I should continue on in the path that I'm on. This happened in June and it's now September, but I'm still affected by it by him making me feel guilty about him not speaking to her as much. We have talked about it though. I want to work through it, but we can't really talk about it.

He says he doesn't hardly talk to her at all anymore, but I don't know if he does or not because we live in different states. But I have told him many times that it's not the fact that he is talking to her it's what he says to her that is bothersome. I do see what you're saying though with creating an agreement. I will try that and see how it goes. Thank you!