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Simply numb

Published on January 30, 2014 by jojo4

I don't know where to start... My fiancé cheated on me about 2 months ago. He answered a personal ad and had been talking to this girl. He claims he never slept with her but I don't believe him. Before that it was him sending music through email to an ex. He claimed he must of accidentally sent that. Again I didn't believe him.. But I stayed like an idiot, that was about a year ago. Today, my gut instinct told me to check the cell phone bill in which I rarely check (we are both on my phone plan) I saw numbers that I didn't recognize so I questioned him and of course I get the same song and dance.. I've changed, I would never hurt you again.. I don't know who any of those numbers belong to. Yes I called them but oddly they all keep going straight to an automated voicemail. He must of have them heads up. I know I'm stupid and I know a lot of it is because I'm sick.. I have an illness that can kill me if I don't stay on top of if. Why doesn't he leave if I'm not enough? Why do I stay when my heart is literally numb? How do I just let go of someone who has no respect for me?


He doesn't leave because you are steady Eddie. He can have all the benefits of a long term relationship with you. But all the excitement of the chase through these other encounters. Save yourself the torment, leave him!

Simply Numb,

First of all, stop calling yourself stupid and idiotic. This is self-defeating and not helping. Next, it is time to ask yourself different, but tough, questions: Are you staying because you are afraid to be alone? How much does your sickness have to do with why you are staying? Do you think you deserve being treated this way? Seriously consider these questions without putting yourself down or giving easy answers like "Because I'm stupid." or "Because I love him."

You said you are Simply Numb, so if this is truly the case and the answers aren't coming easily it is time to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. Numbing oneself emotionally and calling yourself names indicates to me that low self-esteem and depression are possibilities. It sounds as if some work on self would be a better investment that this future marriage. Letting go of a fiance who is unfaithful is easier to do when you love yourself.

Kim Openo Therapist & Coach

This is such an important question! Too many people leave a fiance when they discover an infidelity because they think the person has "shown their true colors." Don't get me wrong- that can be the case. But you'd be surprised to know that for some men (especially ones that will commit super deep in the long run) right before the long term commitment really happens they go all over the place. My own husband did this with me- and it almost cost me what has now been the most beautiful, fulfilling 18 year marriage (and still going strong!). I would have missed the fact that he was getting ready to make a big commitment to me and was feeling the waters out with others to make sure I was the "one," had I not taken the time to really LISTEN to him without judgment when he went through his infidelities. The tool I used to listen to him in this way was - This doesn't mean that lying, clandestine behavior, and cheating are acceptable- it means this person may be about to make the biggest commitment of their life with you, and the way they are handling their fear of "buyers remorse" is to check out other merchandise first. That's not conscious behavior- I am not endorsing it- but with the right tools, guidance and counseling sometimes getting to the bottom of that as the real issue can mean a moment of infidelity is the moment your relationship goes to the next level of intimacy and commitment! For some free coaching together to get help discerning whether this is a make it or break it moment in your relationship go here:

P.S. I am a Your Tango Expert if you want to learn more!

It sounds like you don't and probably never will trust him even though you don't have any real proof that he fooled around and you are accusing him of it and from what I know the one who is doing the accusing is always the one who is fooling around and I know this for a fact about the accuser so