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Significant Other Insecure About Masturbation
I am a female, 21 years of age and I have always enjoyed masturbating a few times a week. A year ago I became involved with a male, and we are now in a steady and committed relationship. We have always been open about our sexuality and have a great sex life. I satisfy him and he satisfies me. We discussed masturbation and I told him how often I do it and what I fantasize about while I am doing it. A few months ago, however, we had a conversation during which he told me that he did not feel comfortable with me masturbating during days that we are planning to see each other. For example, if we are planning to see each other in the evening, he is not comfortable with me masturbating during the day beforehand, or after I see him. I told him that it is completely understandable and I stopped. Soon after that, he told me that he did not feel comfortable with me masturbating at all. He told me that it is because he thinks that I masturbate too frequently, and that he is afraid that I fantasize about other people while doing it. I admit that I do not always think about him while I do it, but I don't think that this is abnormal. There is not anybody in particular that I think about; the individuals are mostly fabricated in my mind and usually do not even have a face. For me masturbation is a time when my mind goes completely free; I think about whatever fantasy comes to my mind. Sometimes it is about him, sometimes it isn't. Am I at fault for not "controlling my thoughts"? I have not masturbated in over three months. It has gotten to the point where almost every time I take a shower or a bath, he messages me asking whether I have touched myself or not. I obviously will not die if I do not masturbate, but it bothers me very much that I have to control my sexuality because he has an insecurity. I understand that masturbation is a normal part of sexuality, and I do not expect him to not masturbate, nor do I get upset at the thought that he could be fantasizing about something other than a sexual encounter with me; it is unrealistic in my opinion to expect that of somebody... A fantasy is a fantasy. As long as it is not somebody that he knows personally, then I see no problem with it. He tells me that he "cannot" even picture somebody else but me when he masturbates; I am very flattered, but am not entirely convinced. Even if it is true, it does not mean that I have to be the same way. I have told him that masturbation is not very emotional for me. I enjoy the physical feeling and psychological thrill of fantasizing. He told me that this is not normal for a female; that it is very typical of a male. I feel that he wants to twist the situation to make me feel that I am not "normal" in order to justify his own insecurity. I feel that the more this goes on, the more I will be feeding his insecurity. I want to help him overcome this, but I can't help but feel suffocated. I have never done anything to make him feel insecure sexually about himself; he knows very well how well he pleases me, and I have never preferred masturbation to sex with him. I don't know how to approach him so that he understands that my act of masturbation and fantasizing is not a result of lack of sexual attraction to him, or of dissatisfaction.
Can you please offer me some advice on how I can approach him so that he understands me better?