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Significant Other Insecure About Masturbation

Published on November 23, 2012 by joanna.v.genova

I am a female, 21 years of age and I have always enjoyed masturbating a few times a week. A year ago I became involved with a male, and we are now in a steady and committed relationship. We have always been open about our sexuality and have a great sex life. I satisfy him and he satisfies me. We discussed masturbation and I told him how often I do it and what I fantasize about while I am doing it. A few months ago, however, we had a conversation during which he told me that he did not feel comfortable with me masturbating during days that we are planning to see each other. For example, if we are planning to see each other in the evening, he is not comfortable with me masturbating during the day beforehand, or after I see him. I told him that it is completely understandable and I stopped. Soon after that, he told me that he did not feel comfortable with me masturbating at all. He told me that it is because he thinks that I masturbate too frequently, and that he is afraid that I fantasize about other people while doing it. I admit that I do not always think about him while I do it, but I don't think that this is abnormal. There is not anybody in particular that I think about; the individuals are mostly fabricated in my mind and usually do not even have a face. For me masturbation is a time when my mind goes completely free; I think about whatever fantasy comes to my mind. Sometimes it is about him, sometimes it isn't. Am I at fault for not "controlling my thoughts"? I have not masturbated in over three months. It has gotten to the point where almost every time I take a shower or a bath, he messages me asking whether I have touched myself or not. I obviously will not die if I do not masturbate, but it bothers me very much that I have to control my sexuality because he has an insecurity. I understand that masturbation is a normal part of sexuality, and I do not expect him to not masturbate, nor do I get upset at the thought that he could be fantasizing about something other than a sexual encounter with me; it is unrealistic in my opinion to expect that of somebody... A fantasy is a fantasy. As long as it is not somebody that he knows personally, then I see no problem with it. He tells me that he "cannot" even picture somebody else but me when he masturbates; I am very flattered, but am not entirely convinced. Even if it is true, it does not mean that I have to be the same way. I have told him that masturbation is not very emotional for me. I enjoy the physical feeling and psychological thrill of fantasizing. He told me that this is not normal for a female; that it is very typical of a male. I feel that he wants to twist the situation to make me feel that I am not "normal" in order to justify his own insecurity. I feel that the more this goes on, the more I will be feeding his insecurity. I want to help him overcome this, but I can't help but feel suffocated. I have never done anything to make him feel insecure sexually about himself; he knows very well how well he pleases me, and I have never preferred masturbation to sex with him. I don't know how to approach him so that he understands that my act of masturbation and fantasizing is not a result of lack of sexual attraction to him, or of dissatisfaction.

Can you please offer me some advice on how I can approach him so that he understands me better?

Thanks.

-J.

ANSWERS

For one thing, I think you gave him too much information. There are things you should tell a partner, but every single detail is not necessary. In the future, if you're in a new relationship with a man and he asks you if you masturbate, just say, "Once in a while." If he asks you what you fantasize about, just say, "That's a personal thing that I like to keep to myself."

Now onto him. He is acting inappropriately by constantly bringing up this subject with you. You have allowed it to go on, so why should he stop? You need to say to him, "You messaging me all the time and asking about the masturbating feels suffocating and annoying. We both made mistakes about discussing this issue with each other, and we need to move on from the issue, if we want a healthy relationship. I'm faithful to you, and a good girlfriend. I don't want you brining up this subject again."

If he can't stop, I would end it. You can't live your life like this. He is showing you that he wants to control you. Nobody can be happy with a controlling person. And in the future, like I said before, a man doesn't need to know every detail of what's going on in your brain. Keep some mystery. I don't ask my husband if he fantasizes about other women because I wouldn't want to know if he did, even if they were made up in his head. I'd be stupid to ask, and he'd be stupid to answer if he actually did. There are just things you should keep to yourself, and it doesn't mean you're lying or being distant with one another. It's called being choosy about what you communicate about. Good luck.

i agree with safir1023 ur bf deosnt have to know everything cz sometimes it hurts but this happend well he wants you to stop masturbating cz he's hurt and afraid u might b fantasising other guys ask him to stop masturbating him too cz ur hurt too thats so simple.

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