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Should we take a break? Or just break up?

Published on July 20, 2014 by dandelion409

It's been over two years dating my boyfriend and we just finished a grueling two week trip out of state with his whole family where I was introduced for the first time. We very much agree on the values of marriage and that that is the direction we both want to take in life. We've had an understanding that after this important trip we would begin seriously talking about engagement. The trip went great, but now that we're back he is unable to even broach the subject without shutting down: "I don't have any answers for you; I can't talk about it right now." Out the blue, he totally flipped out that I posted pictures the huge family reunion stating: "That was not appropriate, they're NOT YOUR family! That's not for you to share!" I mean, ouch! When we're not discussing the words "future, family, or marriage" we seem to be soul mates; and while he verbally admits he wants to get married "someday" and raise a family he seems to be absolutely terrified of commitment and maybe not really wanting me to be part of "his family" after all. I'm done with excuses. My emotional gas tank is empty. I feel the need to step away from the situation. The idea of an ultimatum is very unappealing to me. Is taking a break to "date myself?" a good idea or just postponement of eventual break-up? Am I wasting my time?

ANSWERS

This Huffington Post article has been helpful: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tinatin-japaridze/taking-a-break-8-reasons-_b_5046899.html

I'm leaning towards suggesting a time out, anyone else have suggestions?

Hey girlfriend! It's The Sexy Wife Coach here, chiming in to hopefully help you with this conundrum.

Since we coaches believe that YOU are the expert in YOUR life, I have a few questions I would like for you to ponder and answer for yourself (with your mind, heart and soul):

  • How did you feel when meeting and getting to know his family? Did you feel accepted, loved, appreciated? Because when you marry someone, you DO marry the family as well.

  • How did he behave around his family with you there? Did he make a conscious effort to include you and have them get to know you?

  • What would be his reasoning for saying "they're not YOUR family"? Insecurity? Jealousy? Unresolved Past Issues?

  • How would you LIKE to be treated by someone that you love? What relationship would you LIKE to have with your partner's family?

  • What are your unmet expectations in this situation? It sounds to me like you wanted to meet his family and close to them so you can "seal the deal" and plan a future together.

  • What would be a deal breaker for you?

  • How would you like to move forward in the relationship knowing what you know now? What can you do to take the steps needed to resolve this conflict?

I hope that answering these questions for yourself provide you with clarity! We ALL deserve unconditional, passionate love. Don't settle for mediocre when you can have exactly what you want, need and deserve.

XO

Lora Lucinda Andersen, CPC, ELI-MP The Sexy Wife Coach YourTango Expert

Thank you for your reply. While I find these questions helpful, I didn't feel like my question about breakup vs. time out was really addressed. However, I did decide to take things into my own hands and discuss the comittment issues with my boyfriend. He was unable to shed light on his fear of it and could not describe when he thought he would be ready. We did end up deciding to take a break, which I fear is the beginning of the ultimate end.

How old are you and he? It's a huge step committing solamente to 1 person. You should consider the possibility that he's not ready. Or you're not ready. He could be consulting, comparing and contrasting. Interviewing other important women in his life to get pointers. And this may be his way of telling you something about his character. A foreshadowing of sorts? Taking some me time might open up a few options. And provide an opportunity to sort it all out.

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