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Should we move in?

Published on August 17, 2012 by the ninja wife

Hi Your Tango

We've been dating for a year. I'm hoping he will propose but he doesn't. We were discussing our future and he asked me is I want to move in.

Should we move in? It makes sense: "try before you buy"...

What do you think?

Thank you

Shannon

ANSWERS

Sorry, posted in error. It is the question my reader asked and I have answered in my article http://theninjawife.com/is-moving-in-a-shortcut-to-marriage/

Sorry, posted in error. It is the question my reader asked and I have answered in my article http://theninjawife.com/is-moving-in-a-shortcut-to-marriage/

If marriage is your goal within the next few years, then no, I wouldn't move in with him. Dating someone for only a year and expecting a proposal already is a little premature in my opionion. Date him at least another year to ensure he is a good lifetime partner. Maybe by then, he will communicate to you his life goals. Tell him you want to wait a while to move in together to get to know one another better. Make sure you have a life besides him, spending time with girlfriends and on hobbies or sports, etc. Make sure he desires time with you, and that you're not available 24/7. After another year or 2 of this, maybe he'll be ready for him to propose, and then you can live together before the ceremony, to make sure you're compatible living together.

If you move in together right now, and things don't work out, it''ll be harder to break up, since one of you will have to move out. If his goal is not to marry soon or never, then he's got the advantage, as you already live with him and he knows you probably won't break up with him even though he won't marry you. Think about why you want to marry and make sure it's for the right reasons. If he has different goals, you need to think about whether or not you want to cut ties or accept him the way he is. Good luck.

Absolutely not. I get the impression that you want to get married and he's dragging his feet. Living together is an easy way to delay discussing really important things like marriage and your future life together. I strongly recommend you wait until he proposes to live together. Cohabitating is not an audition process. Either you're committed to each other or your not. If he really wants to be with you, he'll find a way to get a ring on your finger.

http://kate-book.com/kates-dates-why-living-together-before-getting-married-isnt-all-its-cracked-up-to-be-part-1/

http://kate-book.com/kates-dates-kates-dates-why-living-together-before-getting-married-isnt-all-its-cracked-up-to-be-part-2/

Don't do it. Virtually everything you could learn from living together ("try before you buy") you can learn while not cohabitating, AND you make it much easier and practical to call it quits if it comes to that.

I'm not saying you SHOULDN'T learn everything possible about the man with whom you are contemplating spending the rest of your life - you should (and also make sure he know everything about you so he knows what he's getting into). There are whole lists of things you should know before becoming engaged (ambition, how he handles money, how he handles stress and crisis, plans for kids, religious issues, etc.) I'm even a big advocate of sex specifically for "try before you buy" exposure (you REALLY don't want to spend the rest of your life married to someone with whom you don't have good sexual compatibility - it's guaranteed misery).

There are some things that need to be clearly defined borders and milestones in your life, and marrying is one of them. While living together first will seem somewhat like being married, it will also make being married feel like your still just living together - you need the clean break from one phase to the next in order to clearly define, "We're married now", and to cement the commitment.

A final consideration is that you or he likely will have some family that is more old fashioned than you think and will be giving you some major stink-eye for years over shacking up before marriage. Adding some friction with family is a not inconsiderable negative.

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