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Should I worry about his relationship history?

Published on March 17, 2011 by littlelady

I've never been one to care much about exes. However, in my current relationship I've found out things that were not very pleasant to hear. In his senior year of college he had a one-month fling with a girl who had been pursuing him rather adamantly. She was his first everything (kiss, oral, sex). They were incompatible and he left her without even telling her it was over after about a month. The relationship was strictly sex and nothing else. He was using her, and vice versa. However they weren't compatible and he was only able to get it up twice. After her, there was a longer fling with an online girl. He was using her just because he liked that she was flirting with him. She was also using him for money and attention. They met in person, kissed, and she stopped talking to him a couple of months later when she found someone more local. There was no depth to it at all, and he spent over a thousand bucks in a matter of months just trying to please her.

The thing is, I can't help but wonder if he's just in it for the benefits with me. His entire dating history (all of 2-3 girls) consists of him being pursued by a girl and just letting her pursue him so he can take advantage of it. He kept all of them secret from friends and family (and tried to keep me secret for a long time but eventually told people about me). Should this be a red flag, or am I just being overly paranoid?

ANSWERS

A person's past behavior is usually a fairly good predictor of their future behavior. The only way to know for sure, though, is to keep your eyes wide open and watch how he behaves and how he treats you over time. You say that he has already repeated a past pattern by trying to keep your relationship a secret - although that eventually changed. Why the secret? Why the change? What is your gut telling you about this person? Stick with your heart and your instincts and do what is in your overall best interest, regardless of what he might say. If he is the right person for you, he will earn your 'benefits'! Good luck!

I agree with Nicole's comments. And I would add, build the friendship, the compatibility, the mutual interests first and see if he is mature enough to be a giver, not just a taker. When he wants to speed things up sexually, just try to slow him down a bit. You don't want to be another notch on his belt. He will actually respect you for it.

Some guys stay in the immature stage well into their 20s and early 30s. Is it temporary or is he a player? In a strange way, men actually lose respect for women who give in. It's unfair, I admit it, but I'll give you some proof: In a study of 2nd marriages, men most often marry women who they liked years ago but never slept with. (The women they slept with held no interest for them.)

So, the good news is you can slow him down and see if he'll mature into a responsible, caring, tender person with more invested in the friendship -- and in you. In the meantime, focus on getting a good education (educated women are less likely to divorce), finding some good girlfriends, looking for a passion/cause/hobby/interest/travel, and generally open your world to new things.

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