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Should I walk away?

Published on November 27, 2013 by anniatom

I don't know what to do anymore and I need some advice. I have been seeing my current boyfriend for almost a year now. Everything was going great in the beginning (like most) but he has always had this "joking" way of calling me fat, ugly, old, etc. I'm 29, 5 feet tall and weigh 127lbs. I'm comfortable with my size but it bothers me that he constantly says mean things to me. He will compliment other women and say how "hot" or "cute" they are but never me. We will go out for dinner, coffee, gym, or whenever we are outdoors and all he does is check out other women. He will turn and look at them a zillion times making eye contact which I think is disrespectful. If I try to speak with him about anything that bothers me, he'll tell me I'm crazy, weird, I need to get my "hormones in check" and the issue at hand still won't be addressed. I took him out for a nice dinner and to a basketball game to see his favorite team on his birthday and I am not saying I expect thank yous for the rest of the year but it would have been nice for him to express some appreciation. After the game, we went out with friends and again, the entire night, he will try to get his friends attention to check out every woman that walked by. He barely spoke to me while we were there. I went to use the restrooms, came back and interrupted the conversation he was having with his friend. I said "I'm sorry if I'm interrupting." His response was "I'll have fun whether you are here or not." Nothing to do with what I said. I know I don't nag. We live together and we split everything 50/50 including dinners, groceries, everything and have never said anything about it. This includes me cooking 3 meals a day, cleaning, laundry, etc and finding time to study. We are both med students. I try to be patient but I also don't want to be stepped on. Am I overreacting? Please help me.

ANSWERS

You've got lots of irons in the fire with this one. What to do here? I would prioritize. Medical school is a high performance, high stress, and time consuming path. That in itself will make anyone in a relationship have problems. Time management I think is your biggest challenge here. Do you have at least 1-2 hours of intimate time a week? This doesn't mean only sex, but just being able to talk about your worries and how you feel. Even with med school, you have to make time for each other. From your description, it seems you and he are just starting out and are probably finishing up your first semester courses. Some students approach medical school as a time to have fun and learn a little. Others bust their butts to really learn the craft of being a doctor. Your boyfriend is under the same stresses as you and is probably dealing with them the best way he knows how. I do know this his "joking" is damaging to you and you need to address it. I would word it as: When you tell me I look __(insert adj.), I feel unloved and alone or I think its disrespectful. Use the same terminology when he does something that affects you. It doesn't always have to be something negative, it can be positive as well. Use "When you..." and describe how you feel and think. If he dismisses your feelings or thoughts, this is a problem.I know you have a lot of reading you do for school; however, a good book to get is "The Power of Two." It addresses common communication problems in relationships. I think it would be good to have. It's a tough road you have in front of you, but do your best and I'm sure it will work out. I would suggest concentrating on getting through medical school first. Good luck.

I would walk away I would run because a real man that loves his women in a fresh relationship she is all he thinks about and he always compliments her on everything and guys like me still do after 31 years now yes i do lookat other women sometimes and we talk about how she looks but my women is and know she is the queen in my castle

Sorry to be blunt, but this guy sounds like a total jerk. He shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself. And even if he does, he should be willing to listen and understand why your feelings are hurt instead of blaming it on your "hormones." If this were me, I'd either try couples counseling or get out of the relationship ASAP! I would sit down with him and be honest. Calmly tell him what has been upsetting you and that you are considering leaving the relationship. If the conversation doesn't go well, it's probably time to break it off with him.

Get out now, don't wait. You are spending time with a man who doesn't appreciate you and makes you feel badly about yourself. Why stay with someone who hurts you when there is someone else out there just waiting to make you happy. There is a man out there that will treat you like a princess! That's who you want in your life. A man that will sweep you off your feet and make you feel loved. You are giving too much to a man who does not appreciate you. Give to yourself instead, treat yourself to mani-pedi's. Go to an exercise class that you like, attend an art class, book club, just concentrate on you. Believe this, the man you are with now will only get worse. His verbal abuse will escalate. He belittles you. You will start believing the put downs. He won't stop. You will lose your inner spirit. You should be with a man that tells you that you are amazing and light up the room with your smile. Please listen to your gut, listen to people who have been there. I married my abuser, I was trapped for 25yrs. Love yourself enough to know you deserve better, get out now. Why wait? What are you waiting for? Do you think he will change? He won't. Move on. The right guy is out there, just waiting for you to be open to meeting him.

I should have read some of the responses before I published my responses. I will say this. There is never, ever and excuse to treat someone with disrespect, regardless of how stressed they are. Look at his family. How does he treat his mother? How does his father treat his mother? Apple:Tree. I ignored those warning signs. I tried for years to explain how hurtful it was when he said mean things to me. It didn't work. He could not be 'fixed'. Sorry to say, but life is short. Don't waste your life trying to fix someone who treats you badly. There is no excuse. None! It's important that you know what a healthy relationship is, and what isn't. The Control Wheel of Abuse. http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf As women we nurture, that's what we do. That's why so many women end up in abusive relationships.

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