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Should I wait for this great woman who's trying to make something of herself?

Published on April 30, 2009 by tangofan

Here are the basics: divorced single mom of three (ages 13, 9 & 2), great personality and woman of faith, laid off a while ago and went through some very tough times with men. She was set on being a single Mom for good before meeting me and giving me a chance. I've had tough times too, but I feel like she's of such quality that I don't want to mess up something that could work well in the future.

She's in school full time and doesn't have time for a relationship right now. With at least a year to go to complete her studies in Radiology, we only see each other at church right now because she's so swamped with the kids, school and church activities not to mention housework or errands for the kids. She's reallt caring and has had a hreat impact on me spiritually and on my heart. The kids are well mannered and they like me a lot.

I've had to back up and cut back on calls. At times, I think I've done things wrong but she doesn't show any rejection and I don't hear it in her voice. When we talk, it's a short and quick update to see how things are going. Honestly, I don't want to hurt her and want to do what's right.

Do you have any suggestions? Do you think I should wait for this beautiful woman to finish school and then see where things can possibly go?

Thank you!

ANSWERS

If you like her this much, then YES. Wait for her. Be her friend. Help her. Offer to baby sit, offer to take her kids to the movies or out to eat to help her out. Bring her groceries or some take out so doesn't have to make dinner.

When I first met my DH. I didn't have time for a BF. I was a little dismissive of him actually. But he stuck around. He was a true friend and an immense help. When I got less busy I noticed that and I just fell in love. 6 years (3 years of dating + 3 years of marriage) later, I love him more than ever.

I've done everything to let her know how much I love her and her kids. She's proud and independent and one of the busiest people I've ever experienced. I offer and hear that they're OK or fine.

From sunrise to sunset, it's one thing or the other as far as preparing the kids or going to school or running to the sitter or cooking or washing and ironing or more studying. I've offered to be there at all times and she knows it. I've stepped back to let her do what she needs to do but miss our intimate talks and laughter. It's tough and lonely without the usual contact. When I brought up the topic of getting more serious, she did say that she needed to get through this stuff first.

I didn't do it with kids in tow, but going to school and working when you are already a responsible adult is SUPER TOUGH. I worked a graveyard shift and went to classes right after. Between work, school, and homework, I averaged about 4 hours of sleep per night, ate usually one meal a day, and suffered through this schedule for 2 years. That she can do this with 3 kids is absolutely super-human! Right now what she needs most is your unwaivering support. If she ever gets comfortable enough to let you in to baby-sit, fix food, maybe even clean the house, those are simple things that you can do for her that will be absolutely priceless. You need to be understanding of her needs. What she is doing isn't just for herself, its for her future and her children's future. Take yourself out of the equation by not focusing on how much you miss your time together. I know it isn't easy. It is the solid truth though that what she needs is unconditional support. I made my school life even harder by dating a spoiled rich girl who was also attending the same college. She didn't have to pay for anything, she didn't have to work, and she could never understand why I was too tired to go out or do anything.

The next time you talk to her, don't address the relationship aspect. Right now you will help her best by just being her friend. The relationship can be addressed once she has graduated. Be her friend. Ler her know that you are there to help out any way you can. Sometimes, just knowing we have someone to lean on (even if we never do) is a tremendous help. Wait for her, but don't continually put it in her face that you are waiting for her. Making her constantly acknowledge that she doesn't have time for romance will only add the stress that she is feeling from her work load. Just be her friend.

Qverb: You've provided me with some of the more valuable information that I gotten from anyone, including my Pastor. I will continue to be patient and NOT selfish. Despite easing up on my calls, I've told her that I'll ALWAYS be there for her at all times. I've felt like I've been pushed away because of everything that's gone on, but I've got to not take things personal because I know how I get when things get REALLY stressful. She wants to accomplish things on her own and, as proud and independent as she is, she won't reach out much for help and will do without. I really do applaud her for being such a strong woman, so I just continue to be a good man and look forward to seeing her after church on Sundays. I'm sure a surprise spa session or some flowers will go a long way during these super tough times. Thank you for some great advice!

Go on...be her friend, but you can't sit and wait. First of all, if she REALLY, REALLY liked you, she would make time for you. Secondly, if she is just as busy with her career as she is with schooling, you may have wasted all this time. If it works out down the road, great!!! But waiting for someone with whom you have no commitment is always a very dangerous place to put yourself.

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