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Should i tell my husband i'm leaving or should i just leave?

Published on March 29, 2010 by roas70

I' ve been married for 2 years and 2 months after we got married my husband got his 5th OWI. He begged me to stay with him and promised things would change. After he was in jail for a couple of days within 2 weeks of him being out and before he went to court he was drinking all the time. Thinking he was going to prison for his actions he was treating everyone pretty bad. Another words he was feeling sorry for himself and the situation he put himself in. He blamed my (at the time) 14 year old daughter for his OWI because the night that he got pulled over we got into a huge arguement. My mom was just diagnoised with Cancer and me and my younger went to visit her and my older daughter choose to avoid the situation and wanted to hang out with her friends. After being by mom moms for an 30 minutes (& it's an hour and 15 minutes away) my husband called yelling and screaming saying that my older daughter just came home and she was high on something. Cutting my visit short with my mom I left and went home immediately after hearing my daughter crying uncontrollably on the phone insisting she wasn't. I told her to go by her friends house till i came home and we would deal with it then. Before going to her friends i decided to go to Walgreens and pick up a Drug test and give her a test not that I believed that she was high but to show him that she wasn't (at least that's what I was hoping for). Went directly to her friends house gave her the test in which she took with no problem and it came back Negative. I came home ready to confront him with the test results to find he wasn't at home and he was at the bar. Walked into the bar with the test result in hand and confronted him in front of everyone in the bar the results of the test and that maybe he was just drunk and didn't know the difference between someone who was sober or high and walked out. I then decided that it would be best for me and my 2 daughter to leave and spend the night else where that night since he was drinking and acting the way he was. Calling me about 3 hours later after his daughter confronted him at the bar and shared her thoughts with the whole situation he was not too pleased with me that his daughter even knew and addressed this to me and decided to trash the house and break numerous things throughout the house after which he decided to leave and got pulled over by the cops and was arrested. Unfortunately he did not get prison time for his actions and received 9 months of Huber and thousand of dollars of fines. About 2 weeks before he went in for Huber he has stopped drinking and hasn't drank since that i know of. I thought that after he went through all of this and wasn't drinking maybe things would be better. I was far from wrong. Still blaming my daughter for his OWI, the police stating they were out to get him and everyone else other than himself even the counseling he was going to didn't seem to work. In the time period that he was on Huber at home all he did was complain and make life miserable blaming me for his younger son not wanting to live with us any more and accusing me of not liking him not that his son feared him going to prison and left prior to him getting sentenced to go live with his mother. While he was on Huber i would go to work come home make supper, take care of the kids take him to work and then pick him up from work. After he got off of Huber he got laid off (about a year and 1/2 now) and hasn't tried to find a job or even attempted to look. He did however, 2 months ago start going back to school and when his job tried to call him back for work he rejected it stating it wasn't his job and he would go back when the job he was working was open. He is satisfied with with his unemployment and his only responsibilities is to pay the mortgage with me paying everything else. He goes to school 7-71/2 hours a day and that is it. Doesn't want to do the dishes (but does them about 2-3 times a week if lucky) and that is it maybe clean the house once a month. It's a women's job to cook, clean do the dishes, run the errands do the grocery shopping and everything else. This upsets me and causes plenty of agruements. During this time that he has been what i like to refer to as him being grounded and doing nothing the furniture that i brought into the house he slowly started getting rid of saying it was junk and getting things to replace them with from Craig's list and actually the side of the road items. Not realizing it at the time i believe him to be doing this so it would make it harder for me to leave him. When i realized what he was doing i confronted him and told him not to get rid of one piece of my things again or i was going to start throwing out his things. He has continued to accuse me cheating on him and starting arguements it's gotten to the point that my older daughter (now 16 years old) is never home and my younger daughter (9 years old) is always in there room. None of us are happy and i'm working 66 hours a week and gone 13 hours a day just so i don't have to deal with him. I told him 2 months ago i was looking for a place to live and couldn't deal with his controlling ways and him treating me the way he does. My kids are begging for me to live and don't think they cared if we actually lived in a van down by the river to be honest with you as long as we would be away from him. I have found a place and in am due to move out April 9th is the soonest i can be in the new place. Some people i have talked to asked if i have told him yet and out of fear of him taking all of my things and ruining them (things that i had prior to our relationship or that i have purchased) or just throwing them away while i'm not there or selling or giving them away i have not told him. I am not interested in taking any of his personal things or ruining them i just want to end this relationship and move on with my life. There is so many things that are going on with my life and with him that it would take too long to write them down. My plan is that while he is at school i'm going to move everything out not tell him where i'm going and be done with it, is this wrong or do you think that i should tell him and in trust that he won't wreak anything?


Follow your gut instinct. Get your kids and your things while he is at school and leave. You can also go to your local law library and purchase a Divorce or Disillusion Kit complete it yourself and pay your filing fees and get a divorce. You deserve better and your children do as well.

Addicts only change when there are consequences to their actions. And for goodness sake, your kids are the most important thing and if they're begging you to leave, get out and don't look back! Good luck

The safety of you and your children is the most important thing. And you definitely need to get your kids out of that situation. If you think it's safer to leave without telling him, then do that.

Ok- I am going to admit that I only read the first half of that, but it was plenty. He is an alcoholic and you need to leave him ASAP! He will only sober up when he is ready, which after a 5th DWI it doesn't look like that's going to happen any time soon. I would not tell him you are leaving and I would not let him know where you are going. I would wait and call him once you are settled elsewhere to let him know that you are finished. If you are scared that he will do something, I would talk to your local police dept and explain the situation. See if they have any suggestions or if they can have an officer be there while you move your things out, for your safety. I would not let your daughters be home while you pack.

Best of luck to you!

YOU MUST LEAVE NOW. You dont owe him anything, but you DO owe your children a safe home free from all this awful drama. Get your shit and get out. Putting up with him and all the hardship and heart ache is a terrible example for your daughters. Believe me, this is not how you want them to think life, love and marriage is supposed to be. Find a time when he will be out of the way, take the things you want and move on. Get rid of this loser before he does any more damage to you or your kids. Keep us posted.