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Should I take the Risk?

Published on January 24, 2012 by smshw

I am 27 years old and have been mostly unhappily married for 6 years to a man who is 8 years older than me. I am getting tired of being married to him, and as much as i care about him, i can stop thinking about how much I want to leave him. I honestly feel like I met my soulmate 11 years ago and I made a mistake by letting him go and getting married to the man i am with now. He recently came back into my life, and now I am wondering if I should go for it. I know its not healthy to leave one relationship for another, but I have this fear that if i dont do something soon, i will surely lose everything this time. Should I risk it all, leave my husband and go for the man i believe is my soulmate? Please help!?!

-S-

ANSWERS

First of all, you have to separate the two things. Sounds like you and your husband grew apart. If you're not willing to stop communicating with the other man, and don't plan on counseling with your husband, then get a divorce. You probably won't take my advice, but it's always a good idea to stay alone for at least 6 months to a year before dating again after a divorce. You need to be happy by yourself, and take the time to think about what you want in a man before being in a rebound relationship.

This may be your experience if you get together right away with the other man: It will feel like a fairy tale relationship and you think "he's the one." You will spend every waking moment together. You have the false notion that you really know this man because you knew him when he was fifteen. Here's the thing. Some relationships burn so hot at the beginning that that end up imploding. Just because you knew him at fifteen, doesn't mean you know him 11 years later. Of course, people go through major life changes from the teens to the twenties. He may not want a long term relationship. He may want some flirty fun. Maybe he's a person who will meet all of your main needs, but maybe he won't. You are already projecting some fairytale onto him, calling him your possible soulmate. Believe me, this will scare him away.

Get some books from the library or read articles on the internet about separation and divorce. If you don't take my advice and not date this man right away, at least take it slow. Don't see him at the beginning more than twice a week. Start some new hobbies or interests. Join a gym. Hang out with girlfriends. Don't make a man the center of your universe.Have a wait and see attitude. When you have the day to day stress of paying bills with someone and deal with the daily grind of living, a new man telling you you are beautiful is exciting, but remember, the passion of a new relationship never maintains that high, and you will eventually have the same, or sometimes other major problems with the new man. Good luck.

The relationship at risk is the one with yourself. Your integrity is at stake. You made a commitment to your husband. You must at least explore what is causing your unhappiness and discover how to deal with that. Leaving is not an effective way of dealing with your unhappiness. Generally speaking relationships that are unhappy are caused by suppressed anger about events that happened previously that were not addressed or properly explored. Devote some time to what is wrong with your current relationship. Get some coaching or some counseling and honor the vows you made. If you have explored all of the possibilities to heal your current relationship, and still are unsatisfied, you then need to grow personally and expand your perception about who men are for you. After that you can begin to search for a new relationship. Don't think you can go back and try to find what you think you have lost.

Hi S. You ask an important and very common question about whether or not to stay and what you might be risking if you go. Before you delve into the issue any further, you have to ask yourself if you would still want to leave the marriage if this other person wasn't around. Meaning, would you still want to leave if it meant that you would be alone? If your answer is yes, you have a lot more clarity as to how to proceed. That being said, you should always act in whatever way will most limit your regret down the road. Ask yourself if you feel that you have done everything possible to work on and better the relationship before you make the final decision to divorce. Without feeling convinced that you've tried all avenues to remedy your issues, you may wonder if you made a mistake down the road.

Regarding the person that has resurfaced, you are absolutely right...you should never leave one relationship for another. Even if you are at peace with the divorce, there is still time needed to process and heal and running directly into a new relationship spells disaster for it's future and for your healing process. If you are truly meant to be with this other person, the time you take to be alone and get re-acclimated with your life, won't jeopardize your future with him.

Best of luck to you.

Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT www.LifeIssuesPsychotherapy.com

Thank you Allison, the answer you have given me is wonderful. I think that I was misunderstood when I mentioned about the guy who has resurfaced. I have been thinking about leaving my relationship for about 4 years. So this is not something that was prompted because this guy has resurfaced. It is merely a coincidence that he popped up just as i am really getting ready to take action.

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