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Should I stay by his side?

Published on June 2, 2012 by truthbtold

A couple years ago I found out that my husband started becoming addicted to porn. He has been open with me. We have had a major roller coaster ride since then. He knows he has hurt me so it feels to me that he does not want to invest in our relationship due to the hurt he has caused. I have chosen to stay with him and try to be supportive. We were having one of our arguments today and I found out that when we were engaged 12 years ago that he was not 100% attracted to me. At the time he was a spiritual person and prayed and felt that God said to marry me and He would make me beautiful. That came as a huge blow cause I thought that there was attraction there. Some events took place 7 or 8 years ago that has shaken my husband's faith in God and everything that he knew in life. Now I feel like I have nothing to give that would some what entice him to stay with me. Do I let him go? I have no one to talk to about this, cause my husband is a private person, which I want to respect, and no one knows about the things that he has struggled with, but me. Do you have some advice? Is there hope for him and me to still be together? Thanks for your time and concern.

ANSWERS

Porn addicts...and really, all addicts...have been allowed to become 100% self-focused, caring only about themselves and their feelings. In the life of an addict, only his wishes and desires count. Yours don't. Your happiness doesn't matter very much. You're just being used.

That means the only way you and he can have a future is if you walk away. As you have already seen, it's doesn't help to try harder. You cannot change him. All you can do is leave him alone in his ugly pathetic little world.

Then he -- and he alone -- has a choice: To fix his problem once and for all or just try to appease you so you'll stay and give him enough stability so he can continue his addiction in peace and comfort.

Your ability to say no to him and no to yourself right now might just save him. You need to pray to have the courage to leave. Then pray that the pain is so great for him that it overcomes his fear of change.

Good luck and God bless.

We encourage you to re-focus your questions back to you. You write a lot about what your husband does, what he finds attractive (or not), what he's said, etc. What about you? What do you want and what is truly in your best interests? These are questions only you can answer.

Take the time to identify what you want in a relationship and also what is most important to you -- in other words, what are your non-negotiables? What are you willing to be flexible about and what is a deal breaker for you?

You might also think about what YOU find attractive in a partner.

Next, without making demands or setting an ultimatum, you could communicate your priorities to your husband. Ask him if he's truly willing to work with you to honor these priorities? Will he work with you to improve your relationship in ways you BOTH will find satisfying? If not, then this may be your answer to whether or not it's wise for you to stay in the marriage.

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto Collins

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